Hard Reality

Is there anything in this world more unwanted than an unsolicited dick pic?

“What the fuck, Richard?” My girlfriend was fuming. She stormed up to me and thrust her phone into my face. It bore an unmistakably erect penis.

I winced at the photo and glanced around the outdoor cafe we frequented. “What the fuck, Elaine?” I murmured. 

“Look familiar?”

“I’m not looking at some dude’s cock. Why would you show me this?”

“It’s not some dude’s, Richard. It’s yours.” She was berating me at full volume. I glanced around again. We were getting looks.

“Keep your voice down.”

“You do not get to tell me what to do, not after this.” She shook the phone.

“This is impossible,” I said. “I’ve never taken a dick pic in my life!”

“Oh, no. I know this cock. This is my cock. No one else needs to see it. How dare you send it to Rachel?”

I gaped at her. “I would never! You know I wouldn’t!”

“Look at it!”

I reluctantly dragged my gaze back to the phone screen. Yup. Definitely a penis. But my penis?

I had to admit it looked familiar. I won’t get into details, but let’s say that every body is a little different. There are things you notice when you spend enough time fiddling with one.

Was this one mine? It looked right, but it couldn’t be.

I shook my head. “I don’t know where you got that, but—”

“Where do you think? Rachel—”

“—I’ve never taken a dick pic, let alone—”

“—my friend, whom you’ve now molested—”

“—sent one, so this can’t be—molested??”

“Yes!” Elaine finally let her phone drop to her side. “Obviously!”

“But—”

“Did you think she wanted to see your fucking erection?”

“I didn’t—”

“You’re disgusting, Richard. Don’t come back to the apartment.” She stalked off between the tables.

“Elaine!”

*

Barry looked up from his laptop and shook his head. “Sorry, bud. Looks like this was taken on your phone.”

“But that’s impossible! I would never do that! I have never done that!”

He shrugged. “I’m not saying you sent it, but the metadata doesn’t lie. Your phone took this.”

“But—” I slumped onto his couch and put my head in my hands. “I didn’t do it.”

I heard Barry tapping on the keyboard. “Looks like it came from an app called AllYourCare?”

“Uh…” I raised my head. “Yeah. That’s my doctor.”

“Have you ever sent a dick pic to your doctor?”

“Dude!”

He raised his hands. “For proper doctorly shit, I’m sure. Nothing wrong with that.”

“I mean…”

“Have you?”

I exhaled, trilling my lips like a horse. “Maybe?”

“It’s from… three years ago. April.”

“Uh…” I felt my cheeks flush. “Oh. Yeah. I guess I did. I had a… never mind.”

“Yeah, I don’t want to know.”

“What do I do?”

Barry paused. “We still don’t know how it got to your girlfriend’s friend.”

“How do we find out?”

“I’ll do some looking.”

*

“Mom… No, I don’t want to talk about— Look, it’s personal, okay?… It’s not the kind of thing you tell your mother about!

“Oh… No, it’s not true. I mean, yes it’s real, but—

“No, I never did… Yes, I know, I love her too… Oh. Um. Yeah, I guess we’ve been having issues. She told you that?

“Ew, Mom!… My ‘proclivities’ have nothing to do with—

“Mom! Listen. I talked to Barry… He’s a friend, you don’t know him. He thinks it came from a picture I sent my doctor.

“I don’t know! How do you think I feel?

“Mom. Listen to me. I have never sent a dick pic, I did not send— No, if you want to talk about it, I’m going to— They’re just words, Mom! You don’t always need a euphemism.

“I’m trying, but she won’t talk to me… Really? Thanks, Mom, that could really help.

“There’s nothing to own up to! I didn’t send it to her!

“Gee, thanks, Mom. It’s great to know you’ll always have my back… Well, show more faith in your son, your son’ll give you less attitude…

“Uh-huh… Yeah. Okay… I’m sorry, too. It’s going pretty rough right now, yeah.

“All right… I love you too. Thanks for calling.”

*

June 8, 20xx

Notice of Security Breach

Dear Richard,

We are writing to you to let you know of an incident at AllYourCare between May and August of last year. Our systems were compromised by an external threat, exposing some patient details, including doctor-patient communications and limited patient medical information. There is no evidence that any financial details, including credit card or insurance information, were vulnerable. There is no evidence that any login credentials, such as usernames or passwords, were affected.

You may have been impacted by this breach. Unfortunately, we do not know the aims or intentions of the criminals involved, but rest assured that we are cooperating with the FBI and relevant governmental authorities to provide them as much information as we can. We hope that the people who did this can be brought to justice.

We know that medical information is deeply personal, and we are profoundly sorry that this has happened. We have taken steps to ensure that we are not vulnerable to this kind of attack in the future.

For more information, please contact…

*

I picked a different cafe this time.

Elaine took a seat with a guarded expression. I had her velvet macchiato ready for her, but she didn’t touch it. We sat there for a minute, not quite looking at each other.

“Thanks for coming,” I said.

Her shoulders shifted as she fiddled with something in her lap. Probably her ring, the one with onyx and rhinestones.

“You heard about the breach?”

After a moment, she nodded.

“I didn’t send that picture, Elaine.”

She took a deep breath and sighed it out. “I know,” she said quietly, still not looking at me.

“I didn’t do anything wrong.” I waited, but she was quiet. “You know that, right?”

“Yeah,” she said regretfully.

“So what’s the problem?”

She shook her head. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“What? Do what?”

She gestured in my direction. “This. You. Us.”

A cold chill seized my heart and swept outwards. When it reached my belly, it froze my insides in a knot. “Are you… breaking up with me?”

She sighed.

“Because of something I didn’t even do?”

“There are other things, it’s not just that.”

“Not just that? That shouldn’t matter at all!”

“But it does.” Now she looked at me with sad, tired eyes. “It matters because of what it made me feel.”

“Look.” I cleared my throat. “I’m sorry you thought I did something wrong. I’m sorry you thought I’d betrayed you. That you thought I was a creep. But I can’t help that. And now you know it wasn’t true.”

“But I thought it was. And I was… relieved.”

I was too surprised to do more than mouth wordlessly.

“Oh, I was angry at first. I decided that day that I was breaking up with you. And then…You know how flipping a coin to decide something tells you what you already wanted?”

I nodded once, jerkily.

“When I decided we were breaking up, I was glad. Glad to be past this mess we’ve made. Glad you’d shown me who you really are.” She met my gaze. “I don’t want to be with you, Richard.”

“But I didn’t do anything.”

“I know.”

I was stunned. We’d had problems, but every couple does. And we’d been working through them. Together. “I thought we were doing better.”

“So did I, but…” She shrugged. “This isn’t right for me right now. I’m sorry, but it’s… it’s over.”