A maze with no end

“What are you looking for?”

“A way out.” She says continuing to move forward, stopping now and then at every new door, trying its handle, but as each stays unmoving so she walks on, always on.

“You know you won't find one here. Not like this.”

She lets out a frustrated sight at the words of her companion, unsure if those are words based on hopeless pessimism or justified realism, but nevertheless unwilling to admit their truth as yet a possibility. Of course there must be a way out, a person can’t find itself in a place with no entrance nor exit. And yet, none of the doors want to open, no matter how hard she pushed or hit agains them. How many locked doors has she already passed? It is hard to tell, they all look the same. 

“I would very much appreciate if you would stop these little games of yours.” Lucy finally snaps at her unwanted colleague in the darkness, mad and tiered, her arm hurting from the constant hitting against doors and doors. 

“What games? You are the one running in circles.”

In circles. Who knows if she were running in circles, there is no real point of orientation. Her feet come upon cold stone pawing the floor now, her eyes noticing a passage leading downwards on narrow stairs, a torch flickering somewhere in the distance down there, giving just enough light to see the steps. There is a cold damp wind greeting her from below.

“It is a fools errand, you know.”

Again that tone, that lazy un-helping note in it, that frustratingly calm voice which only rattles at her nerves and nibs at her mind just in the way that she nearly has to think of something she rather wouldn’t, simply couldn’t. 

“Stop it. Just leave me alone already!”

“You know I cannot leave you. Why do you protest me?” A whisper placed right by her ear, its tone sending shivers down her spine, cold in her veins, breath short from stoping. 

“Let me be.” She says while taking the stairs downwards, just away, away from it all.

Every step she takes echoes back along the moist stone walls, its surface rough and cold upon touch and yet her hands search for hold and support in this dark passage. It is winding stairs she goes down, down and down, impossible to see beyond the next turn how far more there is to go, the distant torch seemingly keeping up the same distance as before, its light casting shadows around her, shadows the only thing following her. 

Finally, even ground under her feet, a blinding flash from somewhere in front of her, the air changing into something less oppressive. Her eyes need to adjust, her vision is still blurry from the constant dark she has been in, but these are little concerns to her right now, the prospect of freedom just at her grasp. Away, away, she can get away from here! What joy, what hopes in her! Lucy, you did it, you did it on your own! she thinks. And then her smile fades, her lip trembles, her hopes are crushed yet again. A wild, unwelcoming, unapproachable, and frighteningly overgrown forest stretches itself out in front of of her, the branches of the trees twisting in many ways, its crowns intervening into a near solid roof, sunlight streaming in rare beams, the ground covered in vines and rotten leafs, glowing eyes already looking at her from dark depths and thorny nests.

“There must be something I can give you, something I can do.” Subdued panic in her voice, a hint of desperation as her options are running out. No answer from her companion who had until now never left out a moment to add an unhelpful advice. The silence is worse than any remark she was made to listen to until now. “Stop that! I know you can hear me!” No answer.

Anger, anger and desperation is all she feels in that moment. At a loss with what to do next she lets herself fall down on the dirty ground, the smell of rotten leaves in her nose, legs drawn close to burry her face away, away from this jungle that wants to swallow her. If she were to stay sitting like that, eyes shut close, would everything else eventually disappear, simply dissolve into thin air?

“You cannot go back there. It is all gone. Nothing of what you used to know is left. Who do you expect to find?” The Voice is right, she hates how right, but unwilling to admit it she has to keep trying. What else is there for her to do? It has been hours, no, days maybe that she is searching for a way out, out of this ever changing maze, this twisted labyrinth that seems to have a life of its own, sometimes looking like a hedge and then again taking form of a long hallway, now a forest, never ending, always continuing. How did she even enter? Never mind, there has to be a way out. If only it weren’t so dark! Her eyes have a hard time making out her surroundings, the meagre light always changing position, its source unknown. Oh, Lu! What did you do? it echoes in her mind. She doesn’t know, she is afraid to now. She has to know.

“Why do you torture me so? Why do you follow me, why do you hunt me? I just want to go back…” Tears begin to stream down her face, tears of anger, tears of pain. For a moment she just stays on the ground, hugging her knees, hair falling in wild waves over her eyes. There is a pain in her chest she tries to ignore, taking a deep breath, wiping the tears away.

“Foolish child, there is no way to go back! And yet you run in circles, reach out for every invisible straw, look at every shadow with empty hope. Give up, you cannot escape it!”

“No, no, no! Never!”

New anger makes her rise, stomping her feet to the ground, her hands formed into fists ready to strike anyone who might come near. With new determination Lucy adjusts her bag and starts to walk on, pushing branches away, crushing leaves under her feet. 

For a while she marched on like that, the sounds of birds and beasts ringing from around all sides, menacing and mesmerising at the same time, the light of the setting sun pulling everything into a red-orange dreamlike hue. Faces flash before her minds eye, memories of days long past, laughter, joy and tears all mixing up together into a mosaic both clear and distant at the same time. Will her memories eventually fail her too? What else can she hold on to? And yet, they seem so dream-like, so un-real, it is hard to hold on to them. It is painful to hold on to them. 

Her march leads her to what seems to be the end of the forest, behind the last bushes the scenery very different from where she had been right now. A wide, unending plain stretches itself out in front, small hills covered in the lushest green she had ever seen, skies overcast, that pale light coming through that makes you wonder if it is dawn or dusk or midday. The grass is soft under her shoes, the wind moving over the wide landscape like over the endless sea, if one were to close ones eyes you could even imagine seagulls in the distance. It is so peaceful here. 

“Do you not sometimes wonder what might have been?” She asks softly, knowing her companion can hear her.

“Never.”

“How freeing that must be. Are you never lonely? Do you ever dream?”

“You are only avoiding the unavoidable.”

“Perhaps. No, you are wrong. You must be.” She is sure he must be, tells herself to be so.

The plain truly seems to have no end, all four sides indicating it to be so, even the great forest nowhere to be seen anymore. From which direction did she come? Where should she go, where could she go? She feels tired again, yet restless. Maybe beyond the next hill there will be something or someone to help her out. But there isn’t, and standing on the hill, looking around, she can see no end to this landscape, this ocean of green, void of any other living soul. 

“What do you want from me? What could I give for you to let me go?” A whisper from her, a plea.

“It is not I who is keeping you. See, there are neither walls nor fences anywhere. And you cannot bargain with the infinite.”

“No, I can not. If only I could.”

“What help would it be? What would you gain with it? Nothing. A foolish wish it would be gone to waste.”

“A fool. Is that what I am? Are fools not allowed to dream as well?”

“You know well enough there is a difference between dreams and foolishness.”

“Again that word! Fool, fool! Everyone is a fool to you!”

How sick she is of those empty, meaningless words, how sick of a travel companion who she cannot get rid of, who has no usefulness except bringing up vague and shallow words. 

She wants to walk on, always onward, if it need be to the edge of the world, but eventually her legs simply cannot go any longer, her lips dry, even the ever full water bottle in her bag void of relief. Exhausted she lies down, down on the soft young grass, a welcoming bed, a welcoming pillow, clouds traveling above her, wind singing around her.

“Please, just tell me what I should do? What can I give you? What do you want? Please…”

Again no answer.

She could just stay here, stay here forever. If there is no way back to her ordinary life, why not just ignore everything and simply stay, resign? It is so peaceful out here. A tear slowly forms itself in the corner of her eye and the old familiar weight returns. Lonely, it is so lonely here. She doesn’t wish to be lonely, never wanted to be lonely.

“I want to be your friend. I know what you have been through. Why do you push me away…” This time the Voice is soft, a hint of sadness in it, of understanding.

“Because it hurts less… it hurts less to not think of it. I don’t want to feel stuck.”

“And yet you get lost.” Right again.

Lucy thinks of her life before she got here, before there were mazes and hallways and forests and fields of no end, before time lost its meaning, before she was stuck with someone that wouldn’t leave her side. Yet, she couldn’t deny that the presence offered some sort of comfort, some sort of truth she wants to ignore.

“I wish- I would like you to be my friend, but I don’t think I could take it. Can you forgive me?” She asks quietly, some remorse in her voice for being always so harsh to someone who genuinely only wants to help.

“Of course I can. That is what friends do.”