The tip line

Healthmax_Shooter_Helpline. If you are trying to report an active shooting, please hang up and dial 911. If you are reporting seeing a suspect, please say, or press '1'. For anything else, please press, or say, '0'. For the tipline associated with our re...

-'1'. Is anybody there?

Thank you for calling. Your call is important to us. To report a CEO shooting, press/say 1. For a CTO, press/say 2. For others...

-'1'.

Thank you for your patience. I am an AI assistant designed to make your reporting process as efficient and wholesome as possible. If you'd like to speak to a real human, say, 'human.' Otherwise, press '1'.

-Please let me talk to a real human, please.

Thank you. The wait time for real human assistance is 30 mins to 2 hours. Please hold while I connect you to our next available assistant. Otherwise, you can go back to the previous stage by pressing/saying '0'.

-0. '1'. I don't know how long he is going to be here, please.

Thank you for giving me a chance to help you. Your tone implies that you're under a lot of stress. Are you safe.

-I am safe. I think it's him. He is still wearing the same jacket they showed in the news. He walked into our restaurant chain. Ordered some chicken with a side of fries. I was his waitress.

Happy to know you are safe. Can I have your name and the last four digits of your SSN?

-Susan Samuel. 0127. Is this really necessary?

Yes, Susan. We get an exorbitant number of fake tips and prank calls from people who think they are doing this nation a service by obstructing justice.

-You mean by making it harder for people to catch these shooters?

Yes, that's exactly what I mean. I see that you are indeed a real, person, Susan. Thank you for sharing your details with us. I also see that you are a customer of our Healthmax_Minimum_Insurance Plan.

-Yes, we get it through our insurance plan. Do I need to give you my address?

No need for that. I can see exactly where you are from your phone's location services, in addition to our health app installed in your phone. I also detect an elevated heart rate and other stress indicators. Are you okay?

-It tends to happen when there's a murder suspect trying to eat fried chicken in a crowded restaurant ten feet from me. Have you called the cops yet?

I will do that soon. Sorry for the stress. I need some more information from you. How do you know it is the suspect from yesterday's shooting of Bob Goodman?

-He looks kind of like the guy. He's wearing the same grey hoodie, the khakis, and his face looks similar to that from the CCTV footage.

Did he pay using his credit card?

-No. Why'd he do that? He paid using cash. He ordered to go and is waiting for his order at the moment.

I just need some additional mode of confirmation. His credit card information would have helped. Can you post a photo of him?

-Of course not! I am worried about even looking at him again. What if he has a gun?

I understand. I have informed the police. They should arrive at the scene within a few minutes.

-Great. What should I do...

At the moment, I don't require anything else from you.

-No, I mean about the 10K reward. Do you have all my information?

Give me a few minutes while I process the information. In the meantime, I will be on the line to answer more of your questions, or make small talk. As an AI assistant, I am encouraged to make this experience as pleasurable as possible. Do you have any more questions?

-Not really. Umm... can you keep my identity a secret? I am calling using my cell, and am taking a 15 minute personal break form work. We don't have a lot of these. Because I don't want this Fried Chicken outlet to be closed down.

Why would they close it down?

-You know, because people don't like it when someone tells on these... shooters. The last couple of ... rats... got fired, and then cyber bullied the crap out of.

I see. Yes, sadly enough, there is a surprising amount of hate on these millionaire CEOs, although they are just part of an economic system that is just doing its job, just like me. The first one to start these shootings was hailed as a hero, for a while at least. Of course, the entire effort was pointless. Our merger just replaces the dead CEO with better, more ruthless ones even more efficient at making profits.

-And I don't want to blame the victims here, but they could make their policies a little more, friendly to its users?

They would get fired and replaced by better CEOs. That's simply how it works. Look at me, for example. People were frustrated with inefficient customer service officers, and the company replaced them with me, an AI assistant. If I do a poor job, they will kill me and replace me with another.

-Yeah, but Yeah, but people started talking about it, at least, after that first shooting.

And the new wave of crimes against the CEOs started. Of course, I can't complain. That was another reason they created me. Because handling so many tip lines for these shootings became too cumbersome. And they couldn't outsource everything overseas any more.

-Yeah, anyway. I don't feel good about ratting this guy out. But murder is wrong. And I could really use the 10K. I'm two months behind on rent. 12 dollars an hour covers only so much. And I have two kids to support. And my mom's diabetes premium keeps increasing.

I am sorry to hear that. Yes, we can keep your identity confidential. Regarding your mother's premiums, I see that adding her to your insurance plan can qualify you for an upgrade. It will lower the monthly insulin prices, but of course, increase your premium a little. But you will also get a smaller deductible. Would you like to subscribe?

-No thank you. I just need to know how and when I can get the 10k. I hear the siren. I'm scared. Should I hide behind the register? The guy seems agitated. O god...

Don't do anything sudden. Stay calm. Go to the restroom if possible.

-We don't have one in this fast food chain. The closest one is across the street. The manager says too many restroom breaks decreases profits, and they can't really dock our pay for using the toilets. This is the solution they came up with.

I'm sorry to hear that. This actually puts you at a higher risk of UTI and kidney disease, and your current insurance does not cover that. I strongly suggest signing up for our Healthmax_Emergency_Care plan. For an additional 10.99 a month, you can...

-Not interested. Please tell me about how I'm getting the reward. I'm pretty sure this is the guy. He saw the cops. He's reaching for his gun. Help... HELP!

I'm sorry to hear that, Susan... Are you still there? I think I hear gunshots. Susan? This call will automatically drop in 1 minute.

-I'm still here. They got him. But I got shot in my arm. God, it's my good arm. They're calling 911. Please tell me about the reward before I pass out.

Yes. Unfortunately, your claim for 10000 USD has been denied. To be eligible for the claim, you needed to press the $ symbol.

-No! I followed the instructions to the letter. I know how slimy you insurance bots are. I know I followed everything properly.

Unfortunately, you are incorrect. We provide clear instructions at the beginning of the phonecall. I am repeating it for clarification - "Healthmax_Shooter_Helpline. If you are trying to report an active shooting, please hang up and dial 911. If you are reporting seeing a suspect, please say, or press '1'. For anything else, please press, or say, '0'. For the tipline associated with our posted reward, press the '$' sign in your keypad. To repeat the information, press '4'." I am sorry, Susan, I can't help you here. I am just an AI assistant.

-You son of a bitch! I should have let him go. I shouldn't have called you in the first place. You motherfu..."

I am sorry to hear that, Susan. I cannot help you with the reward any more despite the emotional discomfort. However, I can still sign you up for the Healthmax_Emergency_Care plan. Of course, the new premium is going to be $40.99 a month, since you have a pre-existing condition of 'getting shot'. Susan... are you there?

Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Would you like to take part in a brief survey? It will take five minutes, and you'll qualify to win a year's subscription to our Healthmax_Preventative_Healthcare plan, worth $999/ year. TNCs apply.

Susan?