Friends and Dates

“Let’s run away.” 

“Huh?” I said, looking up from the book in my hands. The bookstore surrounding us was new, built in the sunken basement level of a strip mall that had lain empty since I was a teenager. It was bright and well-lit however, with outdoor seating and a restaurant. We had come here to celebrate the waning days of Fall and reconnect since the Summer; when school ended and work had torn us away from our weekly meet-ups and nightly hang-outs. Being here reminded me of those cool afternoons on my porch, watching the sun go down. 

Jenny smiled at me innocently, brushing back a strand of hair. I couldn’t read anything behind the large frames of her glasses, despite the warmth on her face. 

“Yeah, let’s go to Iceland. It would be fun!” 

I put The Collected Works of Keats back on the shelf and stared at her in confusion. She had talked about her trip to Iceland before, but what did that have to do with anything now? Jenny turned her head away and went back to perusing a popular best-seller we had just been roasting and said: 

“It’s a lovely country. Besides, the language is fascinating; weren’t you just studying that?” 

“Oh, well, sure. The fact that they still basically use the same alphabet as the Old Norse…” 

She laughed, and I grinned sheepishly. We got on to talking about other things. 

After browsing the stacks (Jenny loved her romance novels), we sat down for lunch at the restaurant. The food was good, and well-worth the price. We talked about the declining state of brick-and-mortar booksellers, how work was going, and what our friends had been up to since life picked up again. We said goodbye in the parking lot with smiles on our faces and the sun shining down on the chrome and concrete. 

All in all, it was a lovely day. 

I couldn’t stop thinking about her, though. Well, more specifically, what it was about her. She was definitely pretty, but not the kind of girl I usually went for. Her appeal was unconventional, and somewhat intangible; there was an air about her I couldn’t quite explain. 

Not just you, either… 

My mood turned bitter as the thought entered my mind. I wasn’t jealous, not really, but something about the consistent effect she had on the guys in our group bothered me. It made it hard to tell if anything I was feeling was real, or where her interests lied. I thought I had gotten over this in August, but seeing her again in person, spending the day here- 

I shook my head, pulling into my driveway. No sense in getting worked up over it, I must have been misreading things. 

We kept in contact over text for the next few days. Turned out life was not going great for her: she broke up with her boyfriend a few months ago and the relationship had been on-and-off again for several years. I tried my best to be supportive, and we would send each other music suggestions to help the days go by. One day I was doing some work and checked my messages: 

“I’m obsessed with this.” 

She was referring to some melancholy track or another I had sent. The next message caused me to stop though. 

“And I’m obsessed with you.” 

My breath stopped and my blood ran cold. I read the words, the letters, at least three or four times before I could even think of typing a response. My thoughts spiraled through my mind, confused and whirling about before I could pin any single one down. I laughed it off with a self-deprecating comment that she told me to take back; Jenny did that a lot.  

I immediately called my friend Toby to ask if he wanted to get lunch. 

“So…why don’t you go for it?” 

“What?!” I said, nearly spilling my coffee. 

Toby looked at me, a careful expression on his face. I wiped the table with a napkin to avoid answering immediately. 

“Well, you just admitted you like her.” 

I looked up for a second, then muttered: 

“I said I wasn’t opposed to the idea.” 

He rolled his eyes and continued on with his point: 

“So assuming she does like you, and to be honest? With Jenny I’m still not sure.” 

I nodded at that, thinking back to the bookstore. Jenny was the kind of girl to openly tell her friends, of all sexes, “I love you.” While her latest text would normally be pretty clear if it were anyone else, the lack of a follow-up made it uncertain. I blinked and refocused on the words coming from the other side of the table. 

“But anyway. Assuming she is interested. Why not ask her out?” 

It was a question I had turned over in my head non-stop in the hour or so between receiving her messages and meeting up - if not earlier. There were a few reasons, some of them better than others. Ultimately though I kept coming back to one: 

“Well…” I said, carefully taking a bite of my toast, using the time between crunches to form my words, “she just got out of it with what’s-his-face?” 

“Dylan,” Toby said. 

“Yeah, that jerk,” I said as I washed the toast down with coffee. 

Toby had introduced me to Jenny. She knew a group of his friends from high school, and they had recently reconnected. He hadn’t known Jenny for too much longer than I had, but he was a lot more familiar with her life than I was. 

“And?” 

“What do you mean, ‘and’?” I said, giving him a slightly frustrated look. I suspect he knew full well what I was thinking but wanted to force me to say it aloud.  

I sighed. 

“She just got out of a long term, emotionally abusive relationship. We’ve only known each other a few months in the grand scheme of things. No guarantee she isn’t just latching on to the first guy to be remotely nice to her.” 

He took a sip from his own cup, closed his eyes and nodded. Figures. 

“And that’s it?” 

I looked at him, surprised. That I had not been expecting. 

“What do you mean?” 

He shrugged, looking away to note the décor of the diner.  

“While you’re right, I wouldn’t go rushing into anything, that doesn’t mean you ask her out.” Toby looked at me, quirking an eyebrow: “I mean, you said you were trying to date again, right?” 

I thought some more, observing the cream-colored rings in my coffee cup. A memory from the summer came floating to the surface of my mind. 

Jenny, Toby, and I were sitting in a park after dark. We were watching the moon from the rocky shore, staring out across the bay. I remember feeling that all was right in the world. 

Slowly, quietly, I answered his question: 

“I guess….I guess the thought of actually being committed again scares me.” 

The booth was quiet for a minute. 

“Interesting.” 

That was all Toby said. We talked about other stuff going on, his plans to go back to school, nonsense and unrelated drama, etc. Said goodbye and I went back home. 

It was my birthday a couple of days later. Jenny was invited, of course, along with a lot of friends who had never met before. The plan was to spend the day on a large private estate that had been converted into a public park; the land spanned several woodsy trailers, a beach, and several buildings and gardens. We walked around, breaking and recombining into smaller groups throughout the day. Whenever we split up, I noticed Jenny always ended up with me.  

I could feel myself sweat throughout the day. Before I knew it, I was alone with her in the courtyard of one of the old, eerily hollow 20th century palaces: the ones you think only exist in books, then you find out the books are real. It had a fountain surrounded by paved circular pathways and gardens with gorgeous flowers. I looked up to find her holding her hand out: 

“C’mon!” 

I blinked, confused.  

“What do you mean?” 

She rolled her eyes, and thrust it out again forcefully. 

“It’s your birthday! You should have pictures!” 

I laughed, whether from relief or something else I’m still not sure. I handed her my phone and posed a bit around the fountain. When we were done I went to take my phone back, and suddenly the hairs on the back of my neck were standing up again.  

Our hands brushed for a moment, and I was suddenly aware that we were very, totally, entirely alone. 

I’m still not sure what I saw on her face in that moment. Jenny wanted something from me, something part of me desperately wanted to give. 

 I could have acted, part of me still wishes I had. In that moment though, before everyone came back from wherever they were, I had a lot of time to think. 

All of the excuses I gave Toby went through my head, but none of them stuck. What I did see was someone very alone, and I knew that what I had to give was not enough. More than that: if I tried, whatever she had to give would be lost. 

I broke first, looking away towards the beach. 

“Thanks, I’m sure they’re great.” 

Jenny looked away and brushed her hair aside, concealing her face. Even so, I could see the pain and confusion and embarrassment. I felt my fingernails digging into my palm so hard they could bleed. Thankfully, a sound from the forest interrupted us. 

“Hey! Guys its getting dark, wanna think about dinner?” 

We both looked over to see Toby coming towards us, smiling, non-the-wiser. The rest of our friends walked behind and around him; laughing, bickering, smiling. We nervously nodded to each other and went to greet them. 

The rest of the evening passed largely uneventfully, but I found it hard to get into the birthday spirit. When the night wrapped up, Jenny gave me her gift: It was a book of Norse mythology. I could tell where she had bought it. I even had a good idea of when. 

A week later, Toby told me he and Jenny were dating. We were sitting at lunch in the same diner, and I tried my best to keep the shock off my face. I tried even harder to keep from crying. 

I’m not jealous of them, not really. I do sometimes wish I had visited Iceland though, when I flip through the gold leaf pages of my birthday present. Then again, things worked out for everyone in the end. I don't think I could have been one of those leads in Jenny's romance novels.

While the events that are recounted here all (more-or-less) happened, the order has been rearranged for literary flow and dramatic effect. Also the emotions expressed, while broadly true, have been exaggerated or modified for the same. The names have also been changed to protect the innocent, etc.

Despite being a strange and wild time in everyone involved's lives, I can safely say we're all much happier (with different romantic partners) and all still good friends today. I think we were all confused, for different reasons, and my feelings were a product of loneliness and it being a totally new experience for me. All in all though, I think it is good things turned out the way that they did.