You’re Allowed To Be Clingy

The last time we kissed, I thought I would see you again. If I had known what you had planned to do that night I wouldn’t have left. I would have hugged you longer and kissed you more. I would have dragged you down onto the couch, so we could cuddle and watch your favourite movie. Baby you should have told me, I could have helped you, if you had told me I would still be able to kiss you. 

I thought you were getting better, I thought that I was helping you. But clearly, I just made it harder for you, yeah? Oh my god, babe I miss you so much, why did you do this? I remember the night so clearly, you seemed so happy, and you were attached to my hip the whole night with a smile on your face, I’m sorry I told you you were being too much, you weren’t I would give anything to have you by my side again, I’m so sorry. I thought you were just being clingy. I guess you were, but I wish I noticed, I wish I held you close instead of pushing you away. I should have stayed over that night, you asked me to. I thought you were just being clingy, I’m so sorry. If I had stayed that night would you still be alive? You asked me to stay, to try and save yourself, didn’t you? Me saying no was your final straw, wasn’t it? I’m the reason you’re gone, aren’t I? I’m the reason I’ll never get to kiss your beautiful face again. I’m the reason our last ever kiss was half-hearted. I’m sorry I was annoyed at you and I’m sorry I didn’t stay with you. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you I loved you that night, I’m sorry I didn’t kiss you like I normally do.

I haven’t read the note you left me. I’m sorry. I’m scared of what you’re going to say to me, I’m scared that when I finish reading it, I’ll lose you forever, I’m sorry I thought you were just being clingy. I promise I’ll read it one day when I’m ready, and When I open that letter I hope I get to see your beautiful handwriting and your beautiful words one last time. I don’t care what it says, you have every right to fill that note, with angry horrible words, I deserve it. I can’t believe I just thought you were being clingy, I’m so sorry baby. Please just come back to me.

I re-live that moment every night, the moment I barely hugged you, and kissed you, the moment I didn’t say I loved you back, the moment I chose my own selfish emotions over the most beautiful, most kind, most sweetest boy in the world. The moment I chose my annoyance over your life. If I could go back and redo that night, I promise I would, I would hug you so tight babe, and I’d kiss you all over, and snuggle up next to you on the couch, I’d spend the whole night with you, not leaving your side. I wouldn’t care if you were being clingy, because I would know you just struggling, and you just wanted to be with me, you just wanted my help. All you wanted was my support and I left you alone because I thought you were being too clingy. I’m so sorry. 

I don’t know what to do without you, your funeral was a month ago, and everyone just seems okay. How could they possibly be okay, after losing someone like you? I wish they all knew you the way I did, I wish they knew how beautiful your smile was and how kind you were, how much you did for everyone and how pure your soul was. But no, because of me, no one else will ever smell the caramel scent of your hair, no one else will ever see your beautiful soul as I did, no one will know the touch of your lips against theirs, or the beautiful scars running up your side like a ladder, no one else will get to run their fingers through your silky soft brown hair, or gaze into you gorgeous coffee coloured eyes. These are all secrets I’m forced to keep, forced to slowly forget. I don’t want to forget you, baby. I want to remember your soft touch and calming presence more than anything in the world. If I lost all my memories today besides the ones I made with you, I would be happy. I’m so sorry I thought you were just being clingy. Oh my sweet, baby boy, what I would do to hold you in my arms again.

I know you would want me to move on, I know you would want me to go and live my life, find someone new and forget about you. But I can’t I can’t let you go, my precious boy. I miss you, I’ll always miss you, I’ll never stop missing you I promise, nor will I forget you. I’ve decided to sign up to answer suicide hotline calls, I heard you tried to call before we lost you, but you couldn’t get through. Maybe if there were more volunteers to take your call you’d still be here, so I thought maybe, I could help save people who think the same way you did. Maybe I can save another beautiful boy, from making a terrible mistake, then he’ll get to see his family the next day, and make up with his partner, and get the comfort he deserves, the comfort you deserved. The comfort I should have provided but instead, I thought you were just being clingy. Why did I think that, how could I have been so blind to not see you were suffering, I remember back to the first time you relapsed when we were dating, you clung to me for weeks, begging for comfort which I tried so hard to give you, and you got better, or at least I thought you did. But not this time, I didn’t even notice, not once did I think maybe there was something wrong, I thought you were just being clingy. I’m so sorry I didn’t notice, if I did you would probably be standing next to me right now. But instead, you died alone, probably thinking I hated you, or that I didn’t care. And at the time I didn’t, I didn’t stop to think about it, I let my selfish emotions take over, and now I’ll never get to kiss your sweet face ever again. Baby if you can hear me I promise I love you, and I care, I care so much more than you could possibly imagine. 

I just hope you didn’t die in pain, I hope it didn’t hurt you too much, and I hope the angel that came to find you was kind and gentle, I hope they told you you were safe. I hope you’re at peace now, I hope you got what you wanted my sweet boy, all you wanted was to be happy, free and at peace. I hope you’re happy wherever you are, and I hope the angels protect you and take care of you like I failed to do. I hope that one day I’ll get to see you again, I don’t deserve it I know, I don’t deserve to go to the beautiful place I know you are, but I hope that whoever is in charge up there shows me a little sympathy, so I can kiss your sweet lips one last time, run my hand through your soft, thin, hair one more time, hold you close one more time. I wish I could see you just one more time and tell you I’m so, so sorry sweetheart. I’m sorry I thought you were clingy, and I’m sorry I didn’t show you love when you needed it most, I’m sorry I left you and I’m sorry your attempt worked, and I’m sorry I didn’t turn around and hold you tight and kiss your head, and you beautiful lips. I’m so, so sorry Baby, but please, I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I hope you are happy Baby.

goodbye Ace, I’m sorry.