An Exchange Of Hearts.

 “Hey, Jeff. Can we talk.”

“Oh, that’s not great.”

“What do you mean.”

“You hate my name, babe. Only use it when something’s wrong. Jeff has become a word more frightening than taxes around here. What did I do.”

“I don’t use your name like that, stop it.”

“You’re right, I totally forgot. So, what did you wanna talk about, Veronica.”

“Ah, I see. Yeah, its bad. Feels weird.”

“I know, Veronica.”

“Stop it.”

“Don’t hit me while I’m washing the dishes.”

“Can you just put the things down and come to the table.”

“Why, is the dog planning on doing those. Booper kinda hates water.”

“Jeff, it doesn’t have to be a thing.”

“Again with the Jeff. What did I do this morning. Woke up, brushed my teeth, kissed you, got ready and finally went to work.”

“Oh my god, I’m pregnant.”

“What.”

“Okay, I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. It was just a way to get you to listen.”

“Well you could just…”

“I’m waiting.”

“No. I feel like that was the only way to get me to really zone in on the whole thing.”

“I know. But, seriously. I am pregnant. Fully. Double and triple checked. I sorta made sure I didn’t make any mistakes. See, now you are not talking and I am sort of freaking out.”

“Babe, I am here. I just don’t.”

“I don’t either.”

“I’ll just set the pot down.”

“Yup. Take a seat.”

“What do I even. I mean, first things first, are you keeping it.”

“That’s your first question. Really, Honey.”

“Nothing I can say, do or ask makes any difference if I don’t know that one vital thing. It’s not like I apply in a company somewhere. Hey, my girlfriend’s pregnant, now give me the rundown of the whole deal.”

“I wanted to know what you felt. What you wanted.”

“I can help around here with a couple of things, doing the dishes included. I do not have a say with what you do when there is a baby in your belly, dumbass.”

“Oh, we are going with names now. Really, Mr. fumbling with basic words cause I’m flustered.”

“Hey, that’s cute and you know it.”

“Thanks.”

“What now.”

“Thanks. For thinking of me. It really is my choice in the end.”

“Yeah, I know. You are the one doubling in size and spitting out melons off your.”

“Don’t, please. I’ll throw up.”

“There’s no better food than your casserole for that, right. Can you feel the added mushrooms.”

“I hate you.”

“But with, like, extreme love.”

“Sure, let’s go with that. Jeff.”

“Don’t you dare.”

“Why are we laughing like idiots.”

“I have an idea. Cause we are.”

“We need to get serious, Honey.”

“I know. I’m sorry. It’s just. Well, hearing your laugh helps during stressful stuff. Imagine what this is right about now.”

“I get it.”

“Still haven’t answered. What are you doing. Keeping it or not.”

“You know how I feel about that.”

“The whole thing about hating your mom since she wasn’t there for you and your sister so you don’t want a kid. Don’t wanna do it just to prove that you can be better, something about it feeling spiteful. How about the self esteem issues that we totally have your lawyering sister to blame for. Her and that successful career of yours.”

“You little fu.”

“Hey, now. Someone could be listening. Also, you don’t want to wake up the dog.”

“Do you want me to list your whole personality in front of you.”

“Surprisingly arousing, that offer.”

“Can we just get on with it.”

“Look. Babe, you are not your mother. We both know that. You could call your sister right now. It’s like 5 in the morning over there, she would still probably pick it up just to make you feel better. You’ve already done the big sister thing. I bet you’d be an awesome mom.”

“We have so many issues, though.”

“We’re working through them. With the therapist’s help, granted, but we try.”

“You don’t even want kids, Jeff.”

“I prefer the term Honey. I really do.”

“I want the kid. You hear me. I’m keeping it.”

“Right.”

“What about you. You still haven’t talked about you.”

“Well, I’ve never really thought about being in this position. Damn, I should have had a vasectomy.”

“I’d kill you.”

“With extreme love.”

“Of course. You’re still not answering.”

“What do you want me to say.”

“Right about now, I’d go with anything. Anything other than your usual avoidance.”

“I usually avoid them cause we have a therapist for that. It’s kept us good this far.”

“You want to wait a whole month before talking about a baby.”

“It’s not a month. Like, two weeks at most.”

“She’s canceled all sessions. A book tour and a convention, remember.”

“Shit. Why did we choose a successful and expensive therapist again.”

“What happened, therapist not working for you now.”

“God, I love it when you use irony.”

“Don’t use sex appeal on me. Now, of all times.”

“Not like I control it. Sorry for loving my girlfriend.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I know. Despite my joking, this is intense, okay. I don’t know what I am supposed to say.”

“Like I said.”

“Yes, anything. I get it. You don’t have to point out every time I deflect.”

“That’s not what I’m doing.”

“And yet.”

“Honey, you think I blame you for not having an answer ready to go. I don’t.”

“Well, maybe you should. What kind of person delays this much.”

“A flustered one. How about one who knows what’s at stake.”

“Don’t turn insightful on me now. We were having a fight.”

“We can get on with that if you wish.”

“How come you want the kid. You never wanted kids.”

“What matters is what you want. Please, Honey. Don’t hide.”

“I. I always wanted one. Okay. I always wanted one, but I thought I shouldn’t be a father. Wow, this does not feel good. At. All.”

“Why wouldn’t you.”

“I don’t know. My obsessive routine. Sleeping the same hours, waking up the same hours. Having to eat specific things, prepared a specific way.”

“You ate the casserole with the extra mushrooms. That changed.”

“You made that one. Of course I’ll eat that, Babe. Even if it makes me kinda icky. Mushrooms are weird. I know you’ve been trying to make new types of food. I didn’t want to insult you. Or make you feel… You know.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Unwanted. Well. Say something.”

“I love you.”

“Of course you do. But, I thought we wouldn’t have a bigger family than the three of us. Maybe get a cat so that Booper would fight with, keep it interesting around here.”

“Is that why you stayed with me these five years. Because I didn’t want a big family.”

“Don’t ask me that. Come on, Babe.”

“We’re having it all out. Now.”

“It. It was an incentive. You sorta proclaimed that on our first date. No babies. Who does that. You even pulled a couple of strangers in to mock me.”

“Yeah, I remember that. I was so worried, I drunk some vodka shots. A friend was experimenting with ice cubes made of vodka. Jelly version was not good for my stomach.”

“Oh, I remember that. Nothing better than putting your first date’s laundry out.”

“Bet you liked it when I wore your sweater.”

“What are we even doing.”

“The right thing, Honey. We are talking about our relationship. How it started, where it’s going. And I can’t stay with someone who doesn’t at least know what he wants.”

“As if you do. We can’t just take a kid in cause, well, what else can we do. There are responsibilities included in that.”

“I plan on figuring these out. You said it best, if not rudely. I don’t want to be my mom. So, I can’t run away from this. Not when there’s another life on the line.”

“We were fighting all night less than a year ago. Now we are trying to be parents. How am I supposed to say yes to that.”

“You don’t trust me with raising your kid.”

“I never said that.”

“But that’s how you feel, Honey. Just say it.”

“Don’t.”

“Then admit it.”

“Why are you acting calm all of a sudden.”

“I know you feel that way. I just want you to say it.”

“I’d never say that.”

“It doesn’t matter. You feel it. And I know you do.”

“Don’t walk away like that.”

“Then admit it. Otherwise, since you want to avoid a fight, I’ll avoid it just fine.”

“Okay. I don’t.”

“You don’t what.”

“Will you sit back down. I can’t even look at you. Probably should have picked a more serious shirt than that.”

“I saw a movie about vampires kissing trees. What did you expect me to wear.”

“So. Many. Questions. Also, why are you not angry.”

“Because you are not an angry person. Or vindictive. And I’m scared. If you don’t think I’m ready, I’m probably not, Jeff.”

“Both of us are not ready. You don’t like staying still. I don’t like changing my plans. You’re still scared you’ll lose Booper in the park and I’ll somehow break up with you over it.”

“I did lose him once.”

“And I’m still here. I also fed him something he was allergic to, because I thought the term traces of food means it is not enough to cause a reaction. We are stupid.”

“We really are.”

“Don’t cry.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Well, now I feel like a moron for making you apologize.”

“You didn’t make me. I just did it.”

“You always do.”

“I know.”

“See, Booper woke up. Yeah, go boop her leg. Make her notice you, that’s right. See, Babe. Booper still loves you.”

“And I love him. Yes, I love you, Booper. Yes, I do. Your fur’s the best after getting a bath.”

“Still. I can’t believe we only have nine months. It’s pretty stressful. Can’t you keep it in there for like a few more years. Just until I feel ready or something.”

“Eight months.”

“You’ve been pregnant for a month and didn’t know. How does that happen.”

“I.”

“That face. You did know. How long.”

“Two weeks.”

“And you didn’t say anything when we went for a session. How. I mean, that’s the whole point of us going there.”

“I know.”

“It’s supposed to be a place where we can talk about all the things that scare us. Months back, we said we can’t keep going like that. Remember that? We can’t keep going isolated from one another.”

“I get it.”

“So, you didn’t trust me either.”

“No. I mean, Jeff. You don’t talk to your parents, you don’t talk to your sister. You don’t even see your nephew.”

“So.”

“You’re not exactly good at talking. Or staying and having a fight. Not with your family.”

“And you know why.”

“They don’t blame you. You’re good now.”

“We don’t know that. I could always undo that progress. We don’t know that.”

“But they don’t hold it against you. I don’t mind that you are staying away from them but I think you do. It hurts you and you won’t admit that. You won’t do anything about it. I mean, It’s okay. You really don’t have to see them or even talk about it. I don’t want to pressure you. Not when it comes to that.”

“You are annoyed by me.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. Constantly. You keep talking about it every time we sit on that god forsaken purple leather couch. I mean, what sort of professional picks a purple fleshy leather couch. That texture makes me wanna pull my nails out.”

“What are you talking about.”

“The couch.”

“Not that.”

“You don’t like my breathing when I sleep. Or when I forget to throw away the floss in the bathroom. Or when I use your shampoo. I can’t help it. It makes my hair smell nice.”

“Those are not complaints.”

“What are you talking about now. Why else would you talk about that.”

“Did you even hear the full conversation.”

“No. I sort of withdrew in the back of my head when you mentioned the shampoo. I felt guilty. Don’t look at me like that, Babe. You know I do that.”

“We were talking about things that annoy me. And, after that, I said those remind me how better it feels to have someone like you home. Because, you keep doing almost all the chores around here, not to mention work, just like me. And I like knowing that even you are a mess.”

“Oh, I’m more of a mess than you.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Well, we could have that fight all night, it wouldn’t get us anywhere.”

“Hold on. I talk about your past and you are worried about floss and shampoos. What’s wrong with you.”

“Yes. My past is a big deal but it’s something I know, something we both know. I don’t think about flossing or breathing. I can’t fix those things. And I don’t want to do stuff that annoy you, not stuff that I can’t fix. If I do them without thinking, then I can’t fix them. Dammit. The words can’t come out the way I want them. You get what I’m talking about, right.”

“You dumbass. Yeah, go bite him Booper. Remind him he needs to take care of himself.”

“What did I do now.”

“It took a baby and a fight to talk to me about that. Really. What, you think I won’t listen to you. It’s what we do. Talk about meaningless stuff that bother us so that the other one can remind us that it doesn’t really affect our relationship.”

“Damn.”

“Why are you laughing now.”

“Because I love you. And I love Booper. And, apparently, we are going to be parents.”

“Just like that.”

“Yeah. I’m not walking away from our life. I can’t come up with the right words, I don’t know what you are thinking sometimes. I’m scared that you think I’m hiding something from you every so often, even though I don’t, just because I need stuff to stress about. But I am certain of one thing. It’s not about whether we are good enough now or the right call.”

“Then what’s it about.”

“I want you. And no fear of parenting could ever keep me away from you.”

“Look who found the right words after all.”

“I guess I have to tell mom and dad. Maybe my sister too.”

“You think.”

“Why are you crying now, Babe.”

“No reason. I just love you.”

“Want to hang out in the sofa.”

“Yeah.”

“Want a hug.”

“Yeah.”

“Come here. Stop butting in, Booper, you’ll tear that horrible shirt off.”

“I know you like it.”

“I like how horrible it is. You are like a beacon of tackiness.”

“Sure, Jeff.”

“Oh, I see what you did there. Trying to make me think you are mad at me when, in fact, you love me.”

“Extremely.”

“I don’t even see why we pay for the therapist. We dealt with everything on our own. We are awesome.”

“Where do we even start.”

“Right. The whole parenting thing. So many decisions. Definitely not scary.”

“Nope. Not at all.”

“Wanna call your mom, ask her a thing or two.”

“You little fu.”

“Booper, close your ears.”