I guess I had let myself believe it was “our little game” to help hide the fact I knew something was not right. Or maybe I really did believe it. The game had felt right at the time. Like I was a part of something special and secret. Just me and him, our little secret. And, he had chosen me. So, maybe I had believed him. He would never hurt me! He loved me! Even had it progressed from a game to more...

I remember looking forward to seeing him after school. Thinking about him all day because I loved him and he was my very best friend. I would cloud my thoughts to only be focused on him. No distractions. Only him. There was no room for anything else.

He was good to me. He was nice to me, and he would take care of me. He was meant for me. And, I was meant for him. We were going to be together forever.

I breathed in through my nose, making an angry sound. Looking at those words as I wrote them, made me sick to my stomach. How I had thought that was what love truly was. How even now it hurts to admit it was not the fairy tale I had wanted it to be. 15 years! It took me 15 years to finally see the truth! Not one person could ever convince me otherwise. And, oh how they had tried. The anger I carried within myself for not accusing them, Villianizing them to fit my own narrative

. I did not want to think for a second I was a victim. Who could I be? I wasn't a child. I knew right from wrong. He loved me and they just did not wanna see me happy. Or so I had convinced myself otherwise.

I sighed to myself. It was hard to even now be sucked back into the mindset. Though I knew better, there were times I wish I did not. The ignorance really was bliss to me. I used to be loved and cared for. Yes, I was young but as I lay in bed typing my thoughts, I knew I was more hurt and alone than ever.

No.

Those are the trauma thoughts speaking. They wanted me to fall back into the self-harming behaviors they thrived off. And that was what he was. ALL he ever was. There was no real love there. I was a young naive girl who could use and abuse all he wanted. He had started out so good and loving to me, till I grew older. I had no experience and I would not question him. Attaching myself to him harder as he became more violent. As if I could cure who he was with my love.

I laughed a sad little laugh and closed my laptop. My therapist had told me to write every day to help myself come to terms with it. That it happened and it was not going to be shoved down and disappear. As much as I wanted it to be, I had to work through it. But damn, How long was it going to hurt? The constant feeling of it lingered in my head as I went about my day. Doing mundane things or even out having fun with friends.,,it found a way to creep up, reminding me it had gone nowhere. Whispering that I would truly never be able to rid myself of its sharp little thorns that pierced me deeply. Begging me to let it grow deeper into me till I was no longer myself. Just a shell of a human. Nothing more than shattered remains they could manipulate.

Trauma loved to roam free within you. That was how it fed and got stronger.

My therapist had told me this:

“You had to grab the thorns tightly and rip them from your skin. One by one, the pain became so intense as you made your way through them all. There were so many access points they had taken, but you continued anyway. Hoping there would be an end in sight.

Yes, you would bleed and you would have the holes that showed they had been there. The wounds would still scar, reminding you of your battle.

Yet, they would heal now that the thorns had been removed. You could heal! You could be more than just a host body. Your body was battered but not broken. You were not broken but your trauma. “

I smiled to myself as I reminisced on her words. She was strong. So much stronger than I had felt myself. She would always tell me, she saw my aura as green. Telling me it had meant I was forgiving and loving. That everything that had happened to me had not ruined me. I was green, beautiful, and strong!

“Remind yourself, that you are strong! You saw the truth for its ugly self and you withstood it as it tried to consume you.”

She would always quote that line before I left each day. Never a day would she forget to tell me…

I opened my laptop back up and stared at my words again. No. I would not recoil from them. They were truth. No matter how bad it felt to see them. They were my truth for how I had felt. I WAS a child and he was a grown man. It was not my fault. It had never been my fault. A little girl who had never felt love from her parents who had yearned for it. That was who I was then.

Maybe I had put myself out there a little too easily...

It still was not my fault. I had no reason to be embarrassed. He would not damage me, cripple me from my life. I would thrive despite him. Even if it took my whole life, I would spend every day fighting. He would never control me again. That I promised myself.