Linus

“When I grow up, I want to be a fighter-fighter.” Linus threw the ball towards me, and it landed in the bushes. 

“A fire fighter! If that’s what you want to do buddy, I support you 100%.” 

“Hey, dad?” 

“What’s up bud?” 

“It’s hot out here. Can we go inside and get some ice-cream?” 

It was close to bath time anyway. “Let’s get you cleaned up and have some dinner first. After you get your belly full then you can eat all the ice-cream you want.” 

Inside I could hear my wife rushing around in the kitchen, no doubt trying to get dinner done at 6 o’clock on the dot as usual. Sarah has expressed to me on many occasions how she wants to have a structural environment for Linus. Something her parents never provided. 

“Slow down honey.” I said as I pulled her close to me and kissed her forehead. “It will be ok if we eat dinner at 6:05” 

She glared at me. 

“Only kidding babe. I love you” 

She smiled. “I love you too, Mark.” 

I couldn’t help but notice her smile. As gorgeous as the day we met 15 years ago. The way her dark brown hair swayed when she turned her head. Her stunning blue eyes always made me melt when she looked at me, even to this day. 

“I’ll take over. Linus needs a bath with all the dirt he has accumulated under his nails and how much he has been sweating today. It’s hard to believe he’s already five. Where did the time go?” 

10 years later: 

“Mark? How is your ex- wife doing?” My therapist stared at me in that therapist way as she tapped her notebook with her pen to get my attention. 

I didn’t really want to be here but my friend suggested it. He said it would “be good for me.” “Huh? Oh, right. Sarah. She’s uh... Around.” 

“At our last session, you expressed to me how you wish she were handling things in a healthy way, which is understandable. While I agree with you, I would like to remind you that you have done everything you possibly can to help her. As a therapist, I am here to offer you the best resources I have available, and to help you with your current situation. It’s very clear you still have feelings for her despite everything you two have been through. It’s admirable to say the least. 

“She’s still using.” I mumbled. Half of me wanted her to hear while the other half just wanted to forget and for things to just go back to how they used to be. She didn't.

There was an awkward silence.

“How are you handling things with your son”? 

Right. My son. “It’s hard to believe he was born 25 years ago next month. It seems like just yesterday we were going to the park and reading bed time stories.” I chuckled. “I don’t think I will ever come to terms with Sarah leaving me. We were a team. And sweet Linus will always have a special place in my heart, no matter the distance.” 

I woke up covered in sweat, heart pounding in my chest. Nights are always torturous. I was tossing and turning for three hours before I finally fell asleep. “Great.” I said out loud to myself. I tumbled out of bed towards the kitchen. Stopping at my son’s bedroom, I smiled. He left for college a year before Sarah and I got divorced. His birthday is next month and every year since he’s been in college, he comes home for his birthday to celebrate with his mom and I. By the time I got to the kitchen, memories of Linus and Sarah flooded my mind. All of the smiles, laughs and tears we all shared. The time he broke his arm climbing a tree in our back yard. Sarah nearly had a heart attack when she saw his arm. Linus was a tough little guy, though. All he was concerned about was if he was going to lose his arm or not. I still remember the relieved look on his face when the doctor told him he could keep it. The images were coming and going, seemingly in chronological order. Then they stopped. I cried off and on for hours while trying to distract myself in between. Nothing was working. Something always reminded me of the happy little family we used to be. Exhausted, I fell asleep as soon as my body hit the couch.  

“Do you have any plans for your son’s birthday in a few days?” 

“I’m going to keep things simple this year. Nothing big. Just a few presents, a few decorations. Linus made it obvious at his 17th birthday that he was getting “too old” for birthday parties. His mother and I couldn’t grasp the idea of him getting older so we continued for as long as he would accept it. I’m getting him a pocket watch this year. He was always fascinated by the one my father gave me before he passed. I should have given it to Linus sooner. With him being away, the least I can do is buy something for him.” 

My therapist stared at me. She wore a look of pity on her face and quickly changed it but it was too late. I already saw it. 

“Before you say anything, I know it seems crazy to be doing all this but, he is my son. It’s the only thing that keeps me going. The things I buy for him, the notes I write him. I’m home alone all the time and the silence is deafening. Everywhere I look, everywhere I go, I am reminded of how happy we once were and now it’s all gone!” I was fed up by this point. I’d been here for 15 minutes and already I was overwhelmed. Standing up, I sent a scowling look at my therapist. “You have NO right to judge me when you have absolutely no idea how I am actually feeling!” 

“Mark, I’m not judging you. I’m very happy you have found something to keep you sane. I was simply going to suggest that you visit him.” 

I slammed the door behind me. 

She was right. I needed to see him. I had things to tell him. As I fell asleep that night I decided to do things a little differently this year for his birthday. I couldn’t keep throwing parties for someone who wasn’t going to show up. 

On the day of my son’s 25th birthday, I showered and put on my best clothes. I was nervous as I got into my truck. What would I say? How would I handle the situation? Would I feel anything? Questions flooded my mind and I was so overwhelmed I needed to stop driving somewhere. I pulled over on the curb and sat there trying to get past the panicked feeling I was having. Everything was spinning and I felt like I couldn’t get air into my lungs. After what seemed like 30 minutes but realized it was only five after looking at the time, I got myself together. As much as I could, anyway. I pulled a napkin out of the glove box and wiped my face.  

I sat in the lot across the street for a few minutes before getting out and slowly walking over to my sons grave stone.  

“Hey Linus...” I didn’t know where to begin. “Your mother and I miss you a lot. Not a day goes by that we don’t think of you. I um. I bought you a pocket watch this year.” I anxiously moved the box around in my hands, tracing the outline of the watch that was sticking out the top. “I’m sorry for how things are with me and mom. I tried my best to protect her but after your accident she uh. Kind of lost her mind” I chuckled awkwardly through tears. “Your room is the same. I put your birthday presents on your bed each year. I love you so much son. I wish I could hear your voice again, see your smile, hear your laugh. We had some good times didn’t we buddy.” I sat there for another hour just telling him about how things are going. I updated him on our crazy neighbor lady who yells at the mailman every day. I told him about the promotion I was hoping for at work. I reminded him that his mother and I love him so much and he will never be forgotten. I wasn’t ready to leave but I knew that I could sit there forever if I allowed myself. I kissed my hand and touched his gravestone. “I love you son.” 

Halfway home I needed to stop again because of how overwhelmed I was. There were several places I could have stopped but I stopped at a small corner store. It was run-down and the parking lot was empty. I’d seen the place before but never thought about stopping there. Honestly, I didn’t even think it was still up and running. I still had a 15-minute drive, and my throat was sore from sobbing so I decided to see if anyone was working in there so I could grab a drink. To my amazement, there was a man working. I grabbed the biggest water bottle they had and began walking to the counter. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a rack with key chains on it. I remember buying Linus one with his name on it for his 12th birthday. He loved it so much. The man at the cash register rang up my item and handed it back to me. 

“Grab one.” The man said gesturing towards a fishbowl full of little trinkets. “On the house” 

I thought it was odd, but I didn’t feel like explaining that I didn’t need or want one, so I grabbed the first one my fingers touched and went back to my car. When I got home, I sat on the couch and emptied my pockets on the coffee table. The trinket fell on the floor, so I picked it up and looked at it. It was a puzzle piece. My heart sped up when I read the words on it. "I love you too."