Resisting Revenge & BDSM Porn

Sarah caught Jamal cheating, after he passes out in a drunken stupor while masturbating to BDSM (bondage, domination, sadomasochism for the uninitiated-basically sex with pain) porn and it took everything in her not to stab him to death as he lay with the cum drenched playboy magazine in between his legs. Resisting darker impulses requires scruples which she has but not Jamal because he tried everything in his power not to look at porn. He went 2 and a half days without it, but he failed on Saturday night at 3 am in the morning. The worst part about Jamal’s failure to resist his darker impulses is the fact that he must give a message to his church youth group in the morning. It’s only 6 hours away! How can he give a powerful uplifting Christian message while dealing with the guilt of failing to resist his dark impulses? Since he has been dealing with guilt all morning, he decided to make his message about how to overcome guilt. Before he does, he has a horrible dream about what his life would be like 5 years down the line married but not stopping the porn addiction. This is what the dream revealed.

Uncontrollably shivering after sleeping in the 20 degrees weather for 42 minutes after the last bus left, this divorced single black father who is 32 years old anxiously awaits his $10,000 tax return. Why is he even in this situation? He’s been sleeping outside on the street for the last two days barely eating, never showering, and trying to fight this unforgiving cold air with strong wind chills and frozen rain drops. This 32-year-old single black father is the first person in his family to get a college degree, has always worked two jobs, and has a wonderful personality. Dr. Jamison, who is a mental health doctor, uses her right hand to brush her hair behind her ear as she finishes writing his treatment plan. She always believed that Jamals biggest problem is his sexual addiction. She concluded this after Jamal told her that he wanted to stop watching porn, buying prostitutes, …. he cries as he wants his wife back he says he just needs one last hug. Ever since Jamal was in the 6^th grade, he stated that he would always cheat his wife right and he failed in this mandate. Jamal falls out of the chair in a mental breakdown crying and stating that he doesn’t want to live without his wife in his life.

After Jamal gets out of the hospital, he begins the journey to complete his treatment plan. The only time Jamal didn’t watch porn was in the morning, so the doctor suggested he wake up and journal during this time. He begins to write a journal writing down this:

My doctor told me that I can’t promise that your wife will ever come back but I can promise that you will be happy and functional again if you trust my words and follow my directions. I know I can’t do this, but I guess I will try just like I did in football, high school 10^th grade FCAT writing test (you had to pass this to graduate). I can’t stop watching porn this dark impulse is too hard to fight. He doesn’t know what to do so he asks for help. He goes to the computer in the family front room and types into to the google search bar and types in how to overcome a porn addiction. He took 5 steps from his findings and used them in his life. He awakes from a nap during which he had a dream about his English Comp 2 class where he had to write an essay about how to become a successful football player. There were startling similarities between what steps he put in his college paper 5 years ago and the advice he got from the internet about how to overcome a porn addiction.

As Jamal dream continues. Sarah hasn’t spoken with Jamal in 4 days because of the promise that he broke to her. She cried to sleep Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday night. She wouldn’t have gotten out of bed if it weren’t for her best friend Bella. After knocking on the door for over 5 minutes and getting know response she goes around the back of the tiny apartment and attempts to knock on the window where she know Sarah sleeps. They sat down on the brown couch and began catching up as Sarah had not been herself lately. Bella with soft comforting hug questions Sarah with concern, love and worry. “What’s wrong friend me and the others miss you so much!?” It takes about 20 long seconds of silence for Sarah to muster up a response…. she hates talking about her man to her girlfriends because they all believe Jamal is this perfect guy. She finally cries and lets it all out “Its Jamal…. I found him watching porn, masturbating, and I found a picture that I can’t get out of my mind!” After hugging and cuddling with her for about 2 minutes getting her tissue Sarah only wants to know one thing what was on the picture that drove her so crazy. She finally asks because she didn’t want to seem like she was prying into her life. “What was on the picture that got you so upset” Sarah exclaimed. Bella responds in shock, “I dropped the picture in disbelief when I found it…I tried to kill myself, but I said Jamal isn’t worth it no I’m struggling with killing him for revenge. Jamal jolts out of his sleep to knock on the door.

When he woke up it was Friday, and he went with his favorite college teacher to catch a flick. It was Friday the 13^th, full moon, and a holiday called Da Real Halloween. The night sky was filled with an eerie silence as they walked back to his cabin deep in the woods while thinking about the movie, he just saw which mirrored Sarah and Jamal’s situation. Oh, I get it Sarah was born a woman but had a sex change. Jamal was born a man but had a sex change. So, it was really a man resisting the dark impulse of revenge and woman resisting the dark impulse of BDSM porn …. wow! This is what Professor Williams says to himself in his own head. I would have never thought a woman would struggle with a porn addiction that just blows my …. Right before he could complete this thought in his head a Goliath bird eating tarantula and water moccasin struck his Achilles heel and he hit the ground unconscious. Within 30 seconds luckily, he dialed 911 and they located him within 45 minutes…another 2.5 minutes and he would be dead. As he woke up from his injuries in his hospital bed Sarah and Jamal, which were his doctor and Nurse gently rubbed his wounds as healing uplifted his crushed spirit. As the story ends Professor Williams says to himself while seeing the mustache on Sarah and long flowing hair on Jamal ….am I dreaming?