I Am Enough

I am just like you…

I spend time with loved ones, I go to work to my full time office job where I have responsibilities and work with doctors, professors, psychiatrists, sociologists, social workers, law enforcement trainees and emergency services trainees, I do the weekly food shop, I cook dinner, I pack up the daily snap, I do chores, I shower, I watch videos, I watch films, and TV, I read, I listen to music and I sleep. I lie awake wondering what my future holds. Most people have their ducks in a row by 45. Mine, it would seem have yet to hatch.

From reading this short personal statement, from the outside looking in, you might think things seem normal and run of the mill; others might consider this to be a bit boring…

However, there is another side to me that is not so vanilla and mundane, and this is where things get somewhat chaotic and dark.

I am just like you….

Lurking down dark allies grasping crumpled tenner’s and twenties or however much money I could afford to spend that day, ready to come face to face with my dealer who sells me my poison. I’m in the most dangerous suburb of town. Without a car, I’m not fortunate enough to have the privilege of a metal barrier to offer a little protection.

Once sorted, I’d go home, make a cup of tea, change into my PJs, grab my foil and my pipe, and settle in for another night of hard drugs and oblivion.

I would never have been enlightened with the gift of consciousness had I not been given the opportunity of attending Residential Rehab for 18 months in 2008. I stayed clean for 9 years. The best 9 years of my life. Spent with the love of my life, my career took off, I had abilities and talents I had no idea about, I flew through promotions and pay rises. Me and my partner went on holidays I could only ever dream of, I was independent with my little car, a wardrobe that made me feel a million dollars but above all that, all the financial elation and shallow nonsense, I felt like my family had respect and love for me again for the first time in years.

I didn’t realise back then however, that their love was so fragile, and I cannot hold this against them, this is self-preservation.

I didn’t know what guilt really felt like until I relapsed.

It took a while for things to fall apart again, but when I fell, I fell harder and deeper than ever. It started with finding myself being very creative and elaborate with the truth. I wasn’t asking for money yet, but I could feel myself being slowly sucked into the vacuum of addiction once again and I recognised the feeling. I was terrified. I called my mother, I still remember the call I made, it was in 2016 and I said I didn’t want anything, all I wanted was support, I was scared and she knew it – she was scared too, I asked for support which looking back is actually a weird thing to ask for with no context. This was the wrong choice of words as I think this was the moment, she clicked that something had seriously changed. The unravelling had begun.

You see when you are an addict, you do not realise that your whole demeanour, character, personality, actions, speech, response times, contact frequency, social interest and reliability diminishes, along with your self-worth, confidence, attention to personal appearance is no longer a priority.

I don’t mind admitting that I felt attractive, for the first time in years when I came out of rehab. I was a healthy size 8, as opposed to a junkie size 8. Going into rehab, I was a size 14, due to the medication I was prescribed and the additional illicit drugs I threw down my neck to slow down my whole body. On exit from rehab, the confidence I had inside my body shone through from the inside and I felt bloody good.

Slowly I got back in touch with old contacts, my downfall or “gateway” was taking Valium (Diazepam) after going out. My double-life was starting to gain on me. I remember one morning not being able to walk on the footpath without falling into the wall. I had taken a handful of Lorazepam, a very strong Benzodiazepine to those who are unfamiliar. I don’t know why I felt the need to take so many, but like I said, I was unravelling.

I held a responsible, managerial job at this time, and I had a team to manage, to be clearer, managing not only the people but also the functionality of the team and day to day processes.

When I applied, I was not yet in the grip of the talons of addiction and I was still feeling confident and strong however once I started my new job I was a different person, the task was to interject some professional expertise into the functional direction of the team and also manage the staff in their personal development, meaning appraisals, one to ones, professional guidance, but how on earth can I direct and lead a team when I, myself am lost? My CV didn’t see, to add up, I was gleaming, yet I was dulled down with drugs.

I had to leave. My boss caught me calling her a bitch out loud – I guess the reason was valid. Our family dog had died, and I was upset but she didn't seem to give me to the time or sympathy I selfishly thought I was entitled to. Your mouth kind of runs away with you when you are high. I guess I didn't realise how loud I was being.

Things went from bad to worse really until I ended up in full blown relapse, selling all my possessions, including my car, (for £80 probably worth £600, but I needed the money) but not before being sexually assaulted by a dealer in my own car for a good 2 hours, I had to let him do what he was gonna do and pray he wouldn't rape me. He did all but that - I guess I was one of the lucky ones. But hey, it comes with the territory, right? Before I knew it, I was tapping up money in the streets I once named through my job. Suddenly, I knew what Bob Dylan was singing about in one of my favourite songs, “Like a Rolling Stone" He was singing about me.

Down the food bank and getting as many snowballs in my veins as I possibly could. Putting myself in dangerous situations for as little as a tenner.

Things got rough and so something had to give. Cutting a long story short, I ended up moving back to my hometown, in with a family member as a short-term solution, although this lasted 18 months.

Paid our way though. Intention was to move home, get good jobs and get a flat. All this was accomplished. There’s the proof of strength right there, focused and determined when needed.

Although, with this comes an issue, with work comes a salary, a monthly lump sum and if you are not controlled and do not have boundaries, things go to shit very quickly.

Luckily, our priority is and has always been to pay our rent before anything and this is what we have stuck to as we needed a roof to keep stable jobs. This I thank my Dad for as he drilled this into me as a kid – no matter what, pay your rent first. Worry about the rest later. Keep your roof.

Now, this is where the improvement could slowly start to make an appearance and we can turn things around, however when you are an addict, things are often not that easy and straight forward.

Firstly, there is the trigger “the reward” – this is something that you feel you deserve after completing another day doing the thing that you should be doing and being normal (i.e., no drugs) You must understand that this is not just a physical addiction, but a psychological addiction. It is your best friend, your companion. The grief you feel when you have to walk away is something that is not by any means easy to deal with. Call me weak. But so how come so many of us struggle with it? It’s not weak, it is a change in your patterns, thinking, surroundings, “friends” lifestyle, like losing something you love – it’s all so scary and when you think about it all at once, it is enough to freak anyone out.

People advise to spend your money on other things, find a hobby, which I did when I got clean for 9 years and I became so addicted to buying clothes, I ran up a debt of £27,000. I just substituted my addiction because I needed something to make me feel good.

Currently, this is my routine, I get paid, I fill the cupboards with food. I pay all the bills and anything else that needs to be paid so we don’t have anything hanging over us. I am still paying off my debts from those days, I will be debt free at 47. My dream is to have a little house, a dog and a garden and one day move abroad. This to me seems like a mountain to climb. Yet is seems easy for most others to accomplish. I know now why I was given this path. There are others like me. There are people out there struggling, too ashamed to admit they have an issue, with families and responsible jobs and they’re the main bread winner and need to keep it together. Listen, I know you. I have been there. I have felt addiction and the GUILT of relapse – you have not felt guilt until you have felt this.

I realise that I am somewhat different from the norm, not many people who have experienced what I have experienced and lost everything TWICE – and had to build back their life TWICE are able to put down in words the tragedy they have faced. I have told you 10% of my experience.

I am strong, I have an incredible partner and family and I want to help others. It is possible.

I want to give back one day, help people like me like those who have been so selfless to help me over the years, only for me to relapse, take advantage, manipulate, lie and generally be a horrible person. Not me. This is not me.

I want to be just like you… again, I know I can do it, I have done it before. Only this time is different as I want to help others, I am sure there are thousands out there living double lives, trying to be normal and act as though all is well, going to work, dropping kids at school only to get home and get on it, whether its once the kids are in bed or the first thing they do when they get home, I have lived it 1000 times over, only to wake up and pretend all over again wondering how on earth I am going to get out of this situation this time. All those chances I blew, all my family relationships I lost, but I finally really REALLY want it.

If I can help just one person to reach out and talk to me. I have tools, I have answers and I have experience. I am giving back. The demon is off my back. Let me help you take it off yours.