Barbra's awakening

BARBRA’S AWAKENING

I have always heard all people have three personas. One which will never see the light of day due to its dark and scary nature , one for the public eye and then the real you. The real you that pops up whenever you feel free, free from scrutiny, free to make mistakes, free from insecurity and freedom that comes with acceptance. I admire those who have stepped into their full self-realization. As I sit here on this front porch on a Friday afternoon, I struggle to come to terms with the real me because everything about me feels fake. Will I ever gain enough courage to embrace me as I am? How I envy the birds right now, they can always fly away. I can feel my chest tightening again.

I reflect back on my earlier years, it comes out blank. What kind of person does not have great childhood memories? They always say to discover yourself go back into your memory, dig into your earlier years. There you will discover the joys of life, rediscover your passion for life. All I see is a child doing what children do , going to play with her age mates, going back home to eat breakfast, lunch then nap time. It’s a boring repetitive pattern. Over and over again it drags. Do people who claim to have discovered their pathway to life since an early age really tell the truth or they just bluff to score likability points.

My mind goes back to the day before. My house was bustling with activity. I came back from work and had no idea of the surprise that was waiting for me. What possessed me to go along with that proposal? I smiled, I could feel my cheeks aching, and hopefully no one could tell I was faking. I could feel the light thump of my heart as I said yes. It was all lies. People were cheering but in that moment the only thing I wanted to do was go and lock myself in my bathroom and bawl my eyes out.

This sends my mind down a spiral again. Why do I have such difficulty in saying what I want? For crying out loud, it is not even that hard. I admire most people in power. Their ability to just command things, no one will even question their authority. I on the other, hand feel like my world will come crashing down if I dare speak my mind. Do I lack confidence? Perhaps its people pleasing? A frustrating ball of endless questions ‘sigh’.

In my whole thirty years of existence, I realise nothing about me feels real. I feel alien. Is that even a real feeling? Existing in body but the mind is elsewhere. There is a burning feeling in my chest, the annoying part is that the tears won’t fall. No matter how hard I try I cannot cry. I feel empty, so empty it hurts. I clutch my arms around myself, my heart is hurting, and I only have myself to comfort me. Even when I do have people around to comfort me I feel nothing. 

 Perhaps its burnout from excessive work but I know it’s not it, I just want to be left alone, to my own vices. It has been 5 months and I wake up every day feeling the same way. If I’m being punished, what crime did I commit, I am a good person, I would like to believe I am a good person. The worst part about all of this is that everyone thinks I’m okay. How many people feel the way I do? If I continue like this I will surely drown, drown in an ocean of misery.

I lie down next to my fiancé at night, he does not know how much I loathe him. Everything about him I find nauseating and he does not deserve it at all. I am a monster. I cannot bear to tell him the truth, I cannot imagine hurting such a gentle soul. So I put on a façade. I fantasize what life would be like without him. I ask myself what is missing and I cannot come up with a solid answer. I imagine our life together, I do not see myself growing old with him, and the thought of growing old with him makes my stomach churn.

 I look into his eyes and my heart is pierced in two. I see the love in his eyes, what he would think of me if he could read my thoughts. I picture the pain and disbelief in his eyes, I can see him telling me how ruthless I am. I make up my mind to fake it for as long as I can. Every time I come back from work I have to stall an hour at work just to prepare myself mentally to go and see him again. The same old ‘I missed you babe, I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with you and I love. Lord forgive me, I am repulsed.

Jerry and I met at a work dinner. He was a fairly handsome in his own way kind of guy. You know one of those people with peculiar looking facial features you cannot imagine them on someone else but they are just perfect on their face for some reason. That was Jerry, he was pleasant to talk to, and did I feel anything for him then? No. Why did I agree to date him he was too nice a guy to turn down? He insisted on friendship when I told him I was not in space to date yet. 3 months of persistence finally paid off, we began dating. 

It’s been a year and a half now, I lie everyday but I don’t feel a thing. You might be thinking all you had to do was say no, and you are right, for some reason I couldn’t and I dislike myself even more for it every day. Could he not see that I thought I was doing him a favour? No one deserves to be a spare in a relationship. He had always thought about everything, our wedding from the very first day he saw me, our children, our home, our lifetime together. 

He was quite the idealist, this part about him I found irritating. This puzzled me to no end, who got annoyed about someone planning their future together. Surely girls in my position would celebrate the fact that they were ‘the one’ in someone’s life. The whole thing I found absurd. I couldn’t fathom in my brain how someone could think about a stranger in such a way, meet them once and your whole life is set, like a missing puzzle that finally fit. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Perhaps I was too cynical.

I thought about my only friend Suzy. I was forever auditioning in our friendship. A slip could mean a turn for the worst. Such a sweet soul with a kind heart, she surely did not deserve a friend like me. Every time we went out I felt like I had to be the perfect friend. I didn’t want to ruffle the feathers of our friendship, what would she think if I told her I didn’t like classical music, I went to concerts to please and bond with her, what would she say if I told her I didn’t like her boyfriend as much as I claimed to, she deserved better, what would she say if she found out I hated shopping. Our whole friendship could crumble. Was it strong enough to withstand our differences? The thought of losing everything at once was unsettling to me, my relationships and my sanity. I could only pretend for so long. You can only pretend for so before crushing. Your entire life vanishing in a flash.

I think about my parents and I shudder. “Susan it’s about time you started thinking about settling now, I need some grandkids, your dad and I are getting old’ these had started just when I turned 25. I would always be required to ‘think about you poor mom’. 

All of my peers were married now, and I was one of the few unfortunate and unmarried ones, the one who thought herself to clever to bypass nature’s natural cycle of life. Get married, have children, work, retire, enjoy the rest of your life surrounded by your children and then die peacefully. The whole thing I found depressing. In the midst of all these lectures I  not bring myself to say no. How could I? If they were to ask me what I wanted then and there, i could never have answered them. How embarrassing for a 31 year old to be constantly seeking approval from everyone, it had to stop.

I think back to when Jerry and I decided to become official. When he said he wanted to meet my parents in the first week of dating, I had said yes so quickly, now that I reminisce, it was because I couldn’t wait to get my parents off my back. The one thing about a rude awakening is that it never gives you notice. As the wedding day drew closer the more I wanted to run away and disappear. 

The way I wished the earth would open up and swallow me whole. The more I was forced to confront my truth. The way I would hurt everyone in the process. My body was tired, my soul was tired. I wouldn’t mind working up dead, just to run away from this moment. I knew my way out, I was not prepared to take it. I would never be prepared to make that choice. I knew if I made that choice I would have the chance to start afresh again.

It had to be now or never again. For once in my life I could choose me, and bear the consequences of my actions, possibly Jerry hating me forever, my parents and friend s cutting me off. Take the ridicule from friends and family. What would I gain in return, I was tired of pitying myself. Why did I have to pretend like I had no choice in my own life? I could break free. 

I stood from the porch and ran inside my bedroom. I had to do it now or never again. My phone was sitting nicely on my bed. I called mother, first. I could hear the hysterics but I decided my mind was mad up. The dread was unlike any that I have ever felt before. I felt like I was defying God himself, my voice was shaky as I calmly responded to my shouting mother. Beneath that fear I could feel the relief, finally I was taking the first step. When I ended the call, I could hear myself breathing heavily. They were not going to talk to me until I came back to my senses. As I heaved u and down, my tears slowly began falling.

When Jerry opened the door, I was crying inconsolably, when he rushed over to hug me I drew back. The hurt look on his face made me bawl more. Ooh poor, sweet innocent Jerry. ‘Am I making the right decision?’ I asked myself. As I opened my mouth to tell him I was done, I saw his world collapse right before my very eyes.

‘Where is this coming from? Did I do something wrong? I can change whatever you don’t like? I love you like I have never loved anyone else in my life?’ I t started with the begging, then came the cursing. Little did he know that my heart was breaking too. Seeing him huddled in a corner crying is one of the worst things that I have ever witnessed in my life. His look of defeat haunted me for months. What kind of monster was i? I hated to see him hurt but I knew I had to do what was best for me.

 As he packed his bags he vowed I would rot in hell, how much of a sociopath was. I could take it, I knew he was hurt. Strangely as he went out the door I could feel the relief of finally getting rid of him and for that alone I felt like the most horrible person to ever exist. It had been a while since I had cried this much, it was strangely comforting. I made a vow to myself that night, I would always choose what was best for me from then onwards.

I took a week off work. The following day I met with Betty at a coffee shop, she was hurt. Our friendship wasn’t as superficial as I had made it seem in my head. There was nothing wrong with having different musical tests. She was hurt that I would think so lowly of her, that she would cut me off being different. Her words struck a chord in me. I suddenly felt seen. When we hugged, it felt warm for the first time, not only in the physical sense.

I have discovered tons of things about myself then. I am still learning but dear diary I am proud of myself. I have discovered I am not as nice as I love to think of myself. I can be quite frank and mean. I am loving these discoveries about myself. My parents recently started talking to me, I missed their presence but I am forever grateful for their absence at that point in my life. It gave me a sense of individuality. 

Suzy and I still attend classical music concerts the difference now is we alternate with movies night. I love a good movie and a girls’ night out once in a while. The friendship is so fulfilling. I have learnt to take responsibility for myself. I am responsible for me, I am the one who can give me the life I want and the happiness I want to live. 

Jerry moved companies a month back, no one understands the reason for our breakup but what matters is that I do. I apologised for the hurt. He said he had forgiven me i hope he meant it I have forgiven myself. It feels good to be myself now, I never want to catch myself pretending ever again.