Lying to Yourself

for good reason.

They, by they I mean everybody that has ever given me advice, told me to believe in myself. If I don’t, no one else will. They say it is the one factor I need obtain if I wish to be a success, or be content to accept inevitable failure. 

What a terrible scenario, and yet I know there is truth in what they say. I believe they even mean well. But then they don’t know me. It is just another one of those collective feel-good statements that gets repeated over and over until it become true.

I know there are lots of people who have succeeded, if only temporarily because of their belief that arrogance is not only an admirable trait, but one that propels one past the hordes of those waiting in line for success, to just fall from the heavens and land in their laps. It is just that the idealistic conceit of the picture, makes me want to give up my dream.

I suppose I need a dream, before I can picture not achieving it, or having it and losing it, but the idea has always seemed so permanent. I’m not convinced you can just trade in your dream like you would a car or skateboard for something you considered better, just to make yourself feel better. There has to be more to dreams than wishing for something that makes you feel like you are different, better, than the other guy, or group. Success has to be more than just being considered a success. There must be a part of it that is yours alone. Something you have, that no one else knows about. A sense of freedom or happiness only you know about, and all because of a dream.

And yet that sounds like 100% arrogance when I think it out loud. There must be dreams that don’t require that level of self-interest. Maybe more inclusive, like a group hug, or line dance. 

I had no idea success for a dream could be so difficult. It is like finding the perfect medium between arrogance and timidity. A place where you can feel complete, but not look like you swallowed the canary. 

I keep thinking about old Shakespeare for some reason. “Me thinks you protest too loudly,” or something like that. I can see some big guy in capes parading around the stage, screaming at the audience in a booming voice, and hearing those words, not as they were recited, as the guy behind me couldn’t shut up about how uncomfortable the concrete benches were, but close enough. 

I took them to mean that we often expect more than we should, and decry the fact we didn’t get what was expected. Like having a tantrum on steroids, but in your mind and with yourself. I really don’t know how those Shakespearean people did it. They seemed to be able to read minds and spirits, and see what was in the soul of humanity at the time, and I can’t even come to a definitive direction to even begin to look for a dream that will take me to that place considered success.

Perhaps it is because I don’t really understand what success is. I looked it up. If Webster doesn’t know, who does? Success: Achievement, accomplishment, triumph, victory, all rather proactive in my opinion. I was hoping for something a little less, deliberate. Deliberate, that’s it. Success, it is implied, has to be deliberate. Do you suppose it is possible to be a success, and be nondeliberate-is that a word, undeliberate, less forceful, arrogant, success, but with a similar intent as the Shakespearean kind.

I thought it over and decided it is possible to be a success, even if it’s only in your mind. You simply have to make a few adjustments in morality, ethics, a few other peripheral things that can matter if you need them to, but are non-essential as far as the final tally is concerned. 

“I think, therefore I am,” or something like that. But it is true. And I’m beginning to agree with the guy about the benches.

Success is really no more than a figment of our imaginations. If I can picture myself an airline pilot saving the day by landing in the river, or an astronaut, finding a beach ball on the moon, and declaring that “Therefore there must be water!” I don’t know why I can’t succeed at anything I want to do, if I just put my mind to it.

The one problem I have is believing in yourself, you have to know yourself. You can pretend to be a mechanic until someone brings you a car to repair, and you can’t even find the thing-a-ma-jig that opens the hood. No, there are limits, and limitations that must be considered. That nonsense about lemons and lemonade, stuff like that gives false hope. The assumption is that everyone likes lemonade. I myself find it too puckering for my taste. I guess that is a lessen in itself. Showing us that we need be aware of our abilities, and dream within them.

That however seems confining. What good are dreams if you can’t escape reality and be whoever or whatever you want to be. Assume all the characteristics necessary to be successful at being whoever, Mighty Mouse for example. He must have had some tortured discussions with himself about his abilities, being a mouse and all.

What I have found in some cases is you need to deceive yourself, but knowing that you need to deceive yourself, and who is doing the deceiving, you, tends to render the effort redundant. So, you need someone else to deceive you. It being of a personal nature you can’t just ask anyone as they may perceive you to be of un-reputable character and call the police. You need therefore to have someone you trust to deceive you. Trust is important because you can’t take the chance on being deceived by the wrong person; who knows where that might lead.

Mighty Mouse saves the day, for me anyway. You might chose a Donald or Mickey, it’s a personal decision. I have asked him to tell me a little lie, white lie, a little deceptive white lie that will allow me to believe in myself even though I know I shouldn’t, given the type of person I am, and the characters I hang out with.

The frocked guy on the stage has fallen to the floor and is besieging Brutus to, “et too,” whatever that means. My deception of myself has apparently worked. I no longer feel as though I am a complete failure. That, and I have decided if a man as great and powerful as Julius Caesar can be deceived by the likes of a supposed friend, I should at least entertain the idea that Mighty Mouse is not an ordinary mouse, but one with insight into the greatness of self-deception. I may have just cured myself. Only time, and my degree of success will tell, or so I’ve been led to believe, by...