Dinosaur Love

Derrick, having recently lost his parents, now works diligently cleaning out their house while deciding if he should follow them into oblivion.  Derrick has always had a hard time connecting with people.  His parents, Roger and Jeanne, were the only people he could ever relate with.  Now they lie six feet underground, their lives forever changed by a drunk driver doing 94 in a 35.  They were all killed instantly, Roger and Jeanne on their way home from Wednesday night bingo.  Pushing Derrick to go outside his comfort zone they always encouraged him to make friends and find someone in his life, unfortunately it never really worked out for Derrick.  Blind dates, social gatherings and many failed sports games later here now Derrick still stands, alone.  Unable to piece together the complex puzzle of human interaction.  Picking up a picture frame filled with him with his parents, smiles blare up at him with Niagara falls in the background.  The vacation trip, a highschool graduation present he went on with his parents 23 years ago. 

Since college Derrick has worked his IT job from home and relatively has kept to himself, working with the comfortable ones and zeros of his daily job.  Something about the simple black and white numbers and letters on a screen make sense in a way nothing else does.  Derrick sighs, Setting the photo down, as his eyes water up and tears begin to slowly trail their way down his face.  The accident is 3 months past now, but still stings like it was yesterday.  The well kept house, now littered with cardboard boxes, “donation” written on their side.  

Two lives condensed into packages, destined for the local goodwill.  In the living room yet to be packed is the old family computer that Derrick thinks of as a dinosaur.  After about another hour of packing Derrick sits down for his daily dose of failed password entry attempts at the dinosaur.  A smudged password written down on a post it note next to the computer has denied him access into his parents computer for the last 3 months.  Entering 5 more tries, he is again met with the one hour lockout message.  Glaring at the computer he thinks I’m going to break you one way, or another… 

Derrick several years ago convinced his parents that keeping their passwords and personal information lying around in a “passwords” book was a bad idea.  So they moved all their password information into a text document on the computer.  That includes the locked gun safe combination, which holds the means by which Derrick wishes to enter oblivion.  Growling with frustration he gets up and continues to load boxes, taking many of them out to his car.  When his honda civic is loaded up, Derrick prepares himself for a trip to goodwill to drop off his parents possessions. 

Standing outside his parents house he takes a moment to look at his childhood home.  Filled with so many memories.  Staring into his past he feels the safe refuge from this complex world, slowly evaporating.  Silently biting lip, his thoughts wander to what ties keep him anchored here in the world.  No one will miss me if I join you… He thinks, picturing the locked away shotgun, hands slightly starting to shake.  Lowering his head, thoughts of the last service that needs to be performed take over again.  Cleaning and organizing the house is something Roger and Jeanne would have wanted as their house was their pride and joy.  The family computer pops into his head with the unspoken challenge of gaining entry into it laid bare at his feet.  I need to break into that first though… stupid dinosaur…

After a moment he looks up and with a set jaw and knows what he must do.  Walking over he gets into the car, starts it and heads to goodwill.  Step one, finish cleaning the house for mom and dad.  It’s a beautiful summer day outside Pittsburgh, with many people out enjoying their day.  The sun brightly shines down bringing warmth and joy to the city while simultaneously trying to burn away the black cloud that resides inside Derrick.  Tapping his fingers on the steering wheel, thoughts turn even darker for Derrick as he sees so many fortunate people out enjoying their lives.  He wishes he could only once find a way to connect with the world before he goes.  Gritting his teeth he pulls into the parking lot housing his destination, and finds a space next to the donations door.

Frustration leads to anger as he takes a moment to sit in the car reflecting on his situation.  Suddenly he begins pounding the steering wheel, screaming as his emotions become too much.  Pounding and pounding, the wheel holds firm and pushes back hard.  Pain slithering up his hands and arms with each blow, blunt kisses reminding Derrick he is still very much alive.  A primal cry of Anguish deafening all else in the world fills the car.  The months of emotion crashing down in his mind.  After a moment with his adrenaline used up, Derrick stops.  Slumping his shoulders and dropping his head, he simply sobs not knowing what else to do.  Several minutes pass, and the tears flow as his hands throb, while the emotions run their course.

Tap, tap, tap…

Derrick’s head flinches back slightly from the noise.  Sniffling his nose he turns his head and glares through the driver door window looking for the source of the noise.  Greeting his red puffy eyes, is a blue shirted woman with “Goodwill” proudly displayed on the shirt.  A name tag with Brenda written on it closely pinned next to the logo.   

Her eyebrows raised, she looks down into the car and speaks out softly “Erm - H…Hello, there.  Is - Is everything ok?” Her voice muffled through the closed window. 

Derrick, seeing her so close, feels his breath traitorously retreat from his lungs as he tries to breath in, but can't.  Hand grabbing tight onto his jeans, and holding on for dear life.  Staring up at her he sees a beautiful woman of about 34 peeking in the window at him.  Lowering his head he stammers out “Y….Yeah.  I-I’m…. Okay.”  Quick breaths come and go as he can feel a physical force pushing against his chest like gravity coming from the woman.  Being around women has never been something Derricks is comfortable with.  

Brenda responds back after a moment “Oh, okay...  Well, did you want help with your boxes?  I was inside and heard you honking your horn.  Thought you needed help”  

Sudden realization hits Derrick that his pounding of the steering wheel has not gone on unnoticed.  “Oh… I’m….Sorry.  I didn’t…  I didn’t realize I was honking…”

Her soft voice responds back “It’s ok.  I can see you have quite the load here.  Can you pop your trunk, and I'll give ya a hand?” 

Breathing in, Derrick tries to regain control and follows the advice of his new therapist, Dr Choy.  Breathing in for three and out for five, he feels his chest still tight, but able to move in and out with his breaths. He responds “Yeah, okay.”  

With a shaking hand he reaches down and pulls the lever for the trunk.  It pops open as Brenda retreats back saying “I’ll grab a cart… Be right back.” 

Derricks watches her out of the corner of his eye walking back into the store.  A feeling of frustrated yearning blooms in his mind.  Soo, beautiful a woman… He thinks breathing in for three and out for five.  Summoning his courage now that Brenda is out of sight, he reaches over and opens the car door and gets out.  Thoughts of Brenda coming back soon increases his heart rate.  In for three… out for five… he breaths while beginning unloading the car onto the ground nearby.  After a minute or so squeaky wheels roll across the pavement as Brenda approaches with her cart.  Derrick's chest tightens up again, feeling the weight return.  

Brenda parks the cart next to Derrick, and starts loading boxes onto it.  While lifting a box she says “Woah, you have a whole house worth of stuff here it looks like.”

Derrick's eyes are glued down toward the pavement as he breathes in for three… out for five… continuing unloading the car.  A world of nervousness cascading in his chest, with the thought of a girl so close.  Only the months of therapy with Dr. Choy has allowed him to even function in this situation.  He shakily replies “My parents died.”

Lifting out a box he turns and sets it on the ground but suddenly he feels something on his shoulder.  Breathing in quickly he turns to see a delicate hand resting on him.  She’s… touching me!!  His mind screams. Eyes wide his body freezes, unable to move.  

Brenda says “Aww, I’m so sorry dear… I’m sorry for your loss.” 

Staring at the hand, Derrick can't help but stand like a stone statue.  Heart pounding away inside his chest like a sledgehammer.  This is the only physical interaction he has had with a member of the opposite sex in years.  The whole reason he works from home is to avoid chance encounters like this one.  So many times he’s tried to connect with others but it always fails because his body shuts down on him.  Unable to speak, he simply stares at her hand.  

Brenda, unaware of the nervous panic she is causing, removes her hand looking down at the many boxes that still need moved.  In a soft tone she says “I lost my parents last year… I know how you feel.  It’s… hard.”

Derrick, stares at his now empty shoulder thinking a girl just… touched me…  Breathing in shakily he remembers what Dr. Choy always tells him.  ‘People are just like you Derrick, associating with them won't kill you.  Just breathe and try to control your emotions as best you can.’

Breathing in for three and out for five Derrick finds he can actually move.  His body slow to react, but it does in the end move as his brain wills.  Derrick with wide eyes is amazed, lost in his own head as this is the first time he hasn't passed out when touched by a girl in his whole life.  He can briefly hear Brenda talking in the background, but it might as well be static as none of it is heard.  A sudden emotion he can't explain sparks in his chest as he thinks of how he's still functional. A small smile starts to form on his lips as he looks up.  

Brenda is writing something with a pen on one of the boxes looking the other way.  Derrick can't help but watch thinking I didn't freeze up and pass out this time!  Brenda then sets the pen down and turns moving toward Derrick.  Breathing in for three and out for five, he stares at her as she gets closer, and closer.  Finally in front of him a familiar weight returns in his chest, but this time it doesn't feel quite as heavy.  Something else new to Derrick now.  Derrick notices she’s offering him a piece of paper while wearing a sad look on her face.  Water filled eyes looking like they might be ready to cry.  She says ”if you need someone to talk to.  You can call me.  Don’t take it out on your car steering wheel…”  Giving him a small smile she then turns and starts to roll her cart back inside the building.  

Derrick survives this encounter and makes his way back to his parents house shortly after.  For weeks after the encounter all he can think about is how he actually had a conversation with a girl.  He has her number and email even!  Butterflies float in his chest as he stares at her information.  He didn’t use it yet of course, but it's there!  She even offered to talk to him…  Working on filling more boxes in the house he eventually gets the house where it's all packed up.  He even finally figured out the computer password for his parent’s dinosaur.  

Things are finally looking up for me, he thinks to himself.  After getting into his parents computer, he found something he wasn’t expecting however.  Roger and Jeanne had a passion for typing love letters back and forth to each other.  They saved all of them on their computer in a folder.  This was something Derrick was not aware of. 

Working through the letters he's surprised to see that many of them are written in a way he can understand.  Many nights have come and gone with Roger and Jeanne trying to explain to Derrick how feelings work and people behave.  Unfortunately they fell on deaf ears however as Derrick simply couldn’t relate it back to real life.  Words written out on a computer screen however, is something he can understand.  Something about a computer screen that makes him comfortable and able to absorb information.  

His parents reach out from the grave with their love for eachother and it comes in the form of love letters to each other.  Sitting in the room with a shotgun loaded and ready and a computer, Derrick finds he may not be ready to face oblivion just yet.  Working with Dr. Choy and reading the many letters his mother and father typed out he finds himself in a space where maybe he can connect with someone before he dies.  

The months pass as Dr. Choy works with Derrick and with the letters he is able to come to a realization that he can connect with people.  Not in the same way as everyone else but he can do it in his own way.  Locking back up the shotgun Derrick goes out of his comfort zone and finds himself ready to try and connect with someone.  Make a friend and try to connect one last time before he uses the shotgun.  Loading up his computer at home he loads his email and decides to talk to Brenda after all.  Sending her an email he finds after several weeks that she is just like him.  Together they email back and forth and share a rare friendship with each other that was never expected.  Lasting to this day Derrick now has at least one friend in his corner that he can count on.