Autumn Air

By the time I stepped outside, the leaves were on fire. Red and orange bloomed off the trees, devouring the few green leaves that still clung to the branches. The crisp October air filled my lungs as I watched them tremble in the breeze. The grove was at its most beautiful this time of the year, but this was the first time that I had been able to see it. The brightly colored leaves decorated the ground, burying the wilted brown grass that was dying underneath. It was a sight for sore eyes after so much time locked away inside.

I sat down on the porch and let the wind play with my hair. It had grown out significantly, dark brown roots blending into the barely there cotton candy pink. The sun was warm on my face, lightly reaching out to my closed eyelids. Summer had flown by without me taking part in it, but autumn had waited so patiently for my arrival. Free, open air had never felt so good or tasted so fresh. I let my bare feet fall off the wooden step, curling them into the grass and dirt below. Harsh tiles couldn’t compare to the soft earth.

The door slid open behind me. Footsteps creaked across the porch. I could tell it was him before he said anything, smelling like warm apple cider with cinnamon, the aura of comfort and home 

“I knew I’d find you out here,” he knew me too well, “I brought cider, fresh from the orchard. Your favorite.’

He kissed the top of my head then sat down next to me. As promised, the drink was hot, steam wafting in the cool air. I hadn’t realized how cold my hands had been until the mug scorched my skin. The cider burnt my mouth as I brought it to my lips, but it was too good for me to care. Homemade cider was infinitely better than the store brand stuff, especially now after so long.

“How are you holding up?”

The breath left my lungs, leaving my chest feeling deflated. Hollow. That’s one of those questions that you never quite know the answer to. You tell people what they want to hear with the prettier parts of the truth sprinkled somewhere around there. Most people ask to be polite, they only want to be told that you’re doing well and they no longer need to worry about you. They want to be told that you are thriving and don’t need their help. Most people want to see the shiny surface without having to deal with the cloudy depths. But Ethan wasn’t most people, at least not when it came to me.

“I’m glad to be outside again,” I murmured, answering carefully, “The weather is still nice enough to sit on the porch.” 

He waited for me to continue but I had nothing else to say. I took another sip of the scalding cider. It was easier not to think about it. If I didn’t think about it, didn’t talk about it, then it was like it never happened. He put his arm around me, his hand heavy on my shoulder. I flinched away, unintentionally, but just enough that he noticed. Ethan didn’t mean to startle me, I was just more skittish nowadays. It was going to take a lot of getting used to, for both of us.

  “It’s good to have you back.” His voice was soft, almost hesitant, “I almost didn’t think. . .” He trailed off, voice whispering away with the wind.

“Didn’t think I’d come back?” I finished for him, “I lost myself for a while, but I’m getting help. It’ll take time, a lot of it.”

We sat in silence for a moment, observing the fiery leaves swaying in the breeze. I stared down in the mug in my hands, watching the wind whisk away the steam that curled off my mug. The half full cup of stagnant liquid didn’t even ripple. Suddenly, Ethan pulled me to his chest, holding me tightly. Our mugs splashed against me and his jacket, but he didn’t seem to care.

“I really thought I was gonna lose you,” He murmured into my hair, “It was . . . terrifying. I thought you were gone. I know it’s hard, and I know you’re getting help now. But please, don’t scare me like that. I’m here for you, I’m always here.”

Tears began prickling the edges of my eyes. “I’m doing the best that I can. And I know sometimes that isn’t enough. But I’m trying, I am. I got out of bed today. I had a therapy session, I’m taking my meds. I’m trying.” 

I could hear my voice breaking as I spoke. The dam holding back my tears burst open and I couldn’t stop myself from sobbing into his chest. Ethan just held me tighter, softly petting my hair and just letting me cry. 

“The past few months have been so hard,” I wept, “I just can’t seem to do anything for myself. I can’t take care of myself or anything around me and everything I care about is falling apart with me! I can’t eat or sleep or get out of bed, it’s a miracle when I can get myself to shower or wash my hair. Everything is just so exhausting and I can’t do it. My room is a mess, my life is falling apart. Even my plants are withering with me because I can’t work up the energy to even water them! Do you know how hard it is to watch everyone around you thrive while you’re going in slow motion? It’s the worst feeling. Why can’t I do anything for myself?”

“I know, I know” He kept stroking my hair as I struggled to catch my breath, “You’re so used to being independent that you don’t know how to ask for help. I don’t know how you’re feeling, and I can’t pretend to understand. Seeing you like this and not knowing how to help has been destroying me. I’m always going to be here for you”

He was crying at this point too. I didn’t know what to say anymore. The sun had almost set by this point, the dark night extinguishing the fiery leaves. I turned my face out of his chest, the night air drying my cheeks. I hadn’t seen the sun set in months and the artistic sky never failed to dazzle me. It would always rise again. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. Over and over until the Earth stopped turning. I just had to keep getting up.

The episodes were terrible. Infrequent, but horrific nonetheless. There was no easy fix for depression. I wasn’t going to wake up one day and be perfectly happy. There are good days and bad days. But they set with the sun and reset with its rise, there would always be tomorrow to try again. Life is a rollercoaster, but no matter how much I want to get off, it won’t stop long enough to let me. Those episodes are filled with the feeling you can as you hang over the cliff, waiting for the big drop to leave your stomach behind you. My ride felt more like one of those stupid towers that just go up and down, no fun, just the sick feeling of being jerked around. Now I’m at the bottom, with no where to go but up, knowing that the floor could drop out from under me at any moment. But we’re heading up, and maybe this time we can get off the ride.

Soon the house behind us provided the only light in the grove. Ethan detangled himself from me and stood up, stretching himself out. He took my hands and helped me to my feet as well. Together we walked into the blinding light, leaving the darkness outside.