Letter of resignation

A Letter of Resignation

To His Royal Highness,

King Cole.

Let me begin my correspondence by congratulating you on the recent marriage of your son, Prince Charming, to the very amiable Princess Cinderella; I am so very glad that the assistance of every officer in our council in the inspection of the feet of every young woman in the council, proved to in the end be worthwhile. With no one to enforce the law, the crime rate for that day was perhaps the highest recorded in the last five years, but all that is no matter, as long as the young couple are happy.

I must apologise that I was not in attendance at the wedding, I heard it was a very grand affair, but I was caught up with a bit of a giant situation.

I do not mean that figuratively, your Majesty, I’m sure you were informed of the case of the beanstalk and the mystery dead giant. I thank you again for your help, in this instance sending all your horses actually did prove to be useful in removing the large body.

The giants remains have now been properly buried with the help of the seven dwarves, who kindly offered their services to dig the rather sizable grave, although in the process of trying to excavate a sight large enough to lay a giant to rest, we stumbled across various ancient (and potentially cursed) sights that are now being investigated by the archaeological society.

The reckless young Jack has been taken into custody on account of the cultivation, supply, and possession of a prohibited plants, as well as man(or giant)slaughter, and is being held for questioning. I suspect, however, that we will have to release him on bail in the lead up to his court appearance as the holding cells in the Enchanted Forest Police Station are at maximum capacity at present. This being the case, we have had to temporarily store him in the Tall Tower, the one with the dragon guard – I assure you the boy is being kept quite safe, Warden George has assured me that he has the whole situation very much under control as the last thing we want is a miscarriage of justice in the form of a wrongful execution.

Your Majesty, it is now, with regret, that I must come to the main subject of my letter today; I am writing to you, my good King, to give you notice of my formal resignation from my current post as the elected Mayor of the Enchanted Forrest.

Your Majesty, do not doubt me when I say that it has truly been an honour to serve you and the people of the Enchanted Forest these last fourteen months, but I’m afraid my mental wellbeing, as well as my physical health, have suffered detrimentally -  I must include my physical health amongst these considerations as I have only just returned to my natural body after being trapped in an amphibian state for three days, having been receptive to a number of curses this year, usually after a fine has been issued for the littering of magical equipment, and parking brooms, beasts and battle chariots in vehicle only zones.

This is to say, Your Majesty, that I will not be able to carry out my position as mayor to the completion of its full term.

You must understand, Your Majesty, that the amount of illegal and antisocial activity that takes place in this council, and indeed the entirety of this Kingdom, is quite simply unmanageable. With every attempt to instil some sort of order, justice, or provisions to keep the general population safe, the repercussions are entirely disproportionate, and all together ridiculous.

Just this Tuesday last, Sherrif Nottingham arrested a woodcutter for illegal logging in the National Park. Unbeknownst to us, this irresponsible plant poacher had let his two children run unsupervised in the forest that day, and as a consequence of us simply instilling the law we were left to deal with a debacle of two missing minors. The children had in fact been kidnapped by an old squatter in a confectionary foundation – one that had been built without a warrant mind you, and by that cursed experimental baker, whose license should have quite frankly been redacted months ago (you’ll remember the trouble he gave us with that little possessed gingerbread man). The paper work in this particular instance was mountainous and if I’m being completely frank with you, Your Majesty, at this point I don’t entirely know who should be fined, arrested or banished. There seems to be not a single guilt free citizen in all this land.

The needs of the Enchanted Forrest are too great, and the resources too little to effectively do my duty and so, your Majesty, I have no other option but to gracefully bow down from this position. I will be taking my wife, my daughter and my mother-in-law (the later two of who cannot so much as leave the house anymore for fear of being swallowed by another wolf) far, far away where I very much intend to live happily ever after.

I thank you for the immense opportunities and experiences that I will not soon forget from my time in your service. Your faith in me has been greatly appreciated. 

Wishing you the very best of luck in your search for my replacement. In my final words of advice to you, I would like to recommend that you do not trial the candidates for mayor by means of tournament, quests, or some other trivial challenge as seems to be the custom here, but rather based on qualifications and vigorous interviewing.

Long live the King.

Yours faithfully,

Robbit White,

Former Mayor of the Enchanted Forrest

P.S. I thought you ought to know, that we came across a group in the woods conspiring to put the kingdom under some sort of spell, we did our best to disband the gathering but I would recommend a hasty evacuation as a safety precaution.