A Tense Dinner

“So how was the ride here?” “Good.” “That’s good.” Shit! That’s all I had. I turned my attention towards the kitchen behind us, they were lining up the buffet trays. Nice, I didn’t know how much longer I could talk louder than my stomach’s gurgle. Still, Taha must’ve been swallowed by the crowd between the ruckus. Where’d he go?! And why’d he leave me here with this guy?! And where the hell was everybody else?! Those Tardy assholes. Who’s ever late to a free meal? “Damn, can’t wait to dig-in.” I could feel the whiplash even before my head even began to rotate back to the conversation. “Yeah Hassan, it looks great. Can’t wait man.” I parried back with intentional conclusiveness. I pivoted my attention to my phone. If I don’t look at him, he’ll stop talking. Right? I had never put in my passcode that fast in my life. I flicked through the homepage, desperately finding something to distract me. And then I saw it, the app that made my glasses reflect purple-orange. Instagram. And as if it was as predetermined by destiny, as soon as my thumb made contact with the app tile. POP! ‘1 year ago today! Click here to Share it on your Story!’ the caption read to a picture we took a year ago. Back when we were still buddies. “Hey, isn’t that picture from the Spider-Man movie we watched last year?” Shit! He saw it…

“Uhh…Yeah, it was on my Instagram 1 year ago today.” What kind of stupid app invents that? I could think of 15 reasons off the top of my head why anyone would want to forget about the past. It didn’t matter though, I was locked into the human equivalent of an unskippable Spotify ad. “Bro, we had so much fun that day. Remember when the manager at Kmart got us kicked out for playing extreme hide and seek that day?” Hassan snickered, “Yeah, I remember us forgetting that Shakib was still hiding.” I replied. “And then he called us when we reached the train station and said-” “GUYS WHERE’D YOU GO? I’M STILL AT KMART!” We both burst into hysterical laughter. Wait, what was I doing? Why were we actually vibing? ‘Remember what he did to you’ I told myself. 

I raised my head a little higher than eye level, surely someone must have arrived at this point. Nope. No one. Other tables were filled with huge gatherings of friends and/or family, chatting each other up and genuinely enjoying each other’s company. Then there was me. This is why you never get greedy about free food. “C’mon man, talk more.” Hassan nudged while playfully slapping my arm. Why stop there? May as well have slapped my face too. “It’s been ages since we caught up with each other man, how’s school?” ‘Yea sure you’d care about how school was doing, I’m sure you’re dying to know.’ I thought to myself. “Yea I mean its going great I mean I got A plus in maths and English was toug-” “How’s Ms Trina?” He interrupted with an eyebrow raise and the world’s corniest grin. Good Lord, this guy’s trying to be funny. I was so close to punching a hole in something. “She’s fine.” I promptly respond with a straight face. “Are you sure? ‘Cos I miss her a loooooooooooo-” “Yeah, I’m pretty sure she’s doing fine.” I promptly respond again, this time my mouth looked like a heart flatlining. “Because like, you know she looked really ni-” “Man, shut up!”

A deathly air of silence filled the room. I didn’t think much of it at first, trying to play it off by absorbing myself into my phone. ‘There’s no way other people heard that right?’ I rationalised ‘There’s no way.’. 2 minutes went by. I looked up. I was met with crowd of eyes fix perpetually at me, as if just collectively booing me. The longer I looked the more their bodies faded away, leaving just those judgemental eyes that didn’t break contact. They definitely heard me. I sighed. “Hey look, I shouldn’t have said that. You were just trying to lighten the mood.” I mumbled as if someone choked the apology out of me. “It's okay, I was acting out of line. I shouldn’t have said that.” ‘What? He took accountability for his own actions?’ his statement hit me like a brick. I almost began questioning my own reality. It didn’t matter, as I looked back up, I realised that the crowd had gone back to doing what they were doing. I also realised that it had been 10 minutes past when the food was supposed to come out and no one was still here!

“So, how’s your soccer thing going?” I asked begrudgingly as I let out a sigh. There was no use waiting on anyone else. I was so accustomed to seeing the desolate dusty velvet seats that encircled us, the seats and I felt like decades long friends. Honestly, I’d rather have struck up a conversation with it too. I looked back at Hassan, him contorting his reflective-shaven face into any sort of neutral look so as to not give away his excitement. “Well, first off its not soccer, its football,” He chuckled uneasily. I could tell he was still regaining his composure for admitting that he was wrong, as if he had broken an unspoken oath by doing such. I lifted my eyelids and mouth as to give some semblance of a smile back, “as for how it’s going, its going pretty well.” “Really? How so?” “Well, I don’t wanna make a big deal out of it, especially after what happened last year and how all my progress was all set back,” He awkwardly chuckled again. I didn’t give him the satisfaction of reciprocating. “but I think I’m gonna take it to the next level now. I got called up to be on the state team. Muhammad, I’m so much closer to playing nationals.” I could feel the small flame that was already in my heart, suddenly have someone pour tonnes of gasoline over it. I shouldn’t say it. “Well, with what happened last year you must’ve been so behind from all your other teammates. How’d you do it?”. I can’t say it. “Well, lots of training and hard work real-” I have to say it. “And I’m sure you must’ve had to steal half of your team’s phones, send harassing messages and post offensive stuff to get rid of the competition too. Yeah man, I’m sure THAT TOOK A LOT OF HARDWORK AND DEDICATION.”

The whole restaurant froze, for a second time now. Hassan’s body was petrified. His forelimbs suspended in the air, still stuck in the previous conversation. This time I didn’t look away. His eyes locked in with mine. I could see the shadow of shame engulf his face, his eyes now lowering as his arms followed. I didn’t apologize this time, for my heart may have dropped, but I felt no shame. I stood up, disregarding any tension that was only rising around us. “I LOST MY JOB BECAUSE OF YOU!” I started. With every breath I could hear my voice grow deeper and gravellier. “I can’t become school captain because of what you did! I’ve lost so many opportunities because of what you DID!” I took a breath. I looked up to see the invitees finally flock towards our table. They looked in shock, disbelief and confusion. It didn’t matter, I was too far gone now. “And you are the reason most of my friends don’t talk to me anymore.” I finished. I felt exhausted and hollow. There was nothing left to say. I paced towards the exit, ready to spin the wheel with a quick door dash order. “I’m sorry.” I felt a bear’s grip on my shoulder, one you’d only find in disciplined athletes, followed by a tug. “I’m sorry dude. The only reason I agreed to come here was to smooth things out with you. I have had this burden for far too long. All I want is forgiveness. Please liste-” “Let go.” He let go. “You’ve said and done enough. I’m person too. I can’t give forgiveness out like handouts. You want forgiveness? Earn it first.”