The Trouble With Love

EMILY

Emily walked through her apartment door, and dropped her purse on the entryway table by the door. She never carried a purse. She felt like they were always too bulky, and hated the feeling of something weighing her down. Which was ironic really, because emotionally, she felt loaded down with baggage. Baggage from her past, baggage from her present, and baggage from her love life. Even though it felt nonexistent and had seemed that way for years. 

Emily was the kind of person who narrated what was happening in her life, like it was a movie. Partly because she wished she was living a different life, and partly because the life she was living didn’t feel real. It felt dull and hollow— like she was living a watered-down version of the life that she was meant to lead. She knew why, and that was half the battle, but the other half, that was the tricky part. And she feared there was nothing she could do about the other half. 

Because the other half had a mind and a very strong will of his own. 

And they were both at such different points in their lives now. 

She was married, and he had attended her wedding. 

He had stayed in the small town they had met, she had moved on and chosen money over her heart. 

It was all wrong. 

It felt like she was living the wrong life. 

And she didn’t know how to fix it. 

Let alone, if she was brave enough to even begin the process of living the life she wanted. Emily had always been taught to stay small — and to stay comfortable. To go with the flow, if you will. Not to rock the boat. But something was aching in her as she exited her twenties. A burning fire that couldn’t be extinguished, no matter how many activities, hobbies, long walks, or hot bubble baths she threw at it. 

It didn’t help that her husband mercilessly criticized her when she tried to help and develop intimacy. But that was another story entirely. She had decided that she was married to the wrong person. She knew it deep in her bones. She didn’t feel any kind of a rush with Connor. He never wanted to go on dates — and was perfectly content ignoring her every night while she fantasized about the life she would rather be living. 

In other words, it was no way to live. 

It left an ample amount of space for them both to drift far, far apart. And that seemed like all they did lately. They fought, he called her names, gave some weak apology, or she gave an apology she didn’t mean, and then they had subpar sex. She felt like that was all he saw in her. A warm hole to take care of his needs. 

She knew she was settling. But she felt trapped. Even though she had wanted to leave for a long time, she couldn’t. Financially, he had all the power. And she hated that he had that much control over her. And that she had willingly given it to him. She knew he liked the control. She overspent on purpose just to irritate him. 

It was all she had left. 

She couldn’t lose one more thing in her life. Her glass heart couldn’t take it. 

Emily shivered when she played out how her “other life” would have gone if she had just switched a few simple choices. If she hadn’t have left Willow Springs, if she hadn’t have said yes to the proposal and had a massive 3.5 carat rock on her finger, and most importantly she would be living a completely different life right now. 

She knew everyone assumed she was a gold digger for marrying a man who made six figures while she contributed nothing financially to the relationship. And maybe they were right. But when the love was missing, what else was there?

She knew money didn’t buy happiness. Hell, the past eight years of her marriage had proved that. But she couldn’t just leave with nothing. She would have to prepare. And no matter which way she went about it, it would be painful. 

She didn’t know if she would fly or fall. But she knew she had to try. Emily couldn’t keep living like this. 

Emily’s heart thumped as if being beckoned. She stole a glance at the clock. One hour until her husband was home, and the same routine of yelling, blocking each other out via the tv, or a silent dinner commenced. Emily needed to change something and fast. Without thinking, she dialed the name of the guy that had been racing through her mind for six of the lonely eight years before she could stop herself. 

NOLAN

Nolan watched his phone ring. It was Emily. Again. She was starting to call every day, and he didn’t know what to think. On one hand, he liked the attention. Who wouldn’t? But on the other, didn’t she have a life to attend to?

Their conversations were mostly nonsense. It was as if she was afraid to say anything past surface level, except when she was venting about how terrible her marriage was with Connor. He wanted to be blunt with her and ask her why she didn’t just leave, but he already knew the answer: finances. 

It stung to watch his friend degrade her worth like that. She was young, pretty, and could probably pull any guy she wanted. Well, almost any guy. 

There had been a few times when the conversations between them had gone from innocent to flirtatious, and instead of stopping it or cutting it off, Nolan either responded with nothing or would gently flirt back. He could tell how lonely she was. It oozed off of her like a trail of smoke or an odor. 

Nolan had tried everything to help her realize that he wasn’t that special. He was just a guy. He had, at times, been a complete ass to her, but she stuck around still. 

Nolan had made jabs at her, saying things like “I don’t understand how we are even friends” and when things got more personal one night and she shyly asked if she was his type, he quickly and firmly responded that she wasn’t. He watched her face crumble, and almost regretted what he said. 

But surely it was better this way. 

He couldn’t give her half of what Connor did. 

Connor also wasn’t a jerk, so that was a major plus in his direction.

And yet…

She continued to call him. Like clockwork. When she was lonely, bored, or wanted to run away from her life, the phone rang. Just like it was ringing now. He sighed, put down his fork, and picked up.

“‘Lo?” He said.

“Hey,” Emily’s voice sounded defeated already, and they hadn’t even begun the conversation. In another life, things would have been different. In another life, he would have…

He couldn’t let himself think that way. 

Life didn’t give second chances. 

But, no one looked at him like Emily did. 

Hell, no one called him every single day like Emily did, “just to make sure you’re alive.” 

Nolan cursed himself for picking up the phone, knowing that he was just tying the threads between them tighter and tighter. 

He was making this unnecessarily difficult for her. 

And himself, if he was being honest. 

God, he didn’t talk to women. Especially not married women who cried during the nine out of ten phone conversations that they had. 

He just wanted her to be happy. Couldn’t she just…

“Nolan?” Her voice sounded small on the other side of the line. Afraid, almost. 

“Yeah,” Nolan’s cat, Binx, wrapped himself around his legs, slinking in-between them. 

“Do you need me to let you go?” Nolan imagined her twirling a phone cord, like something out of a 1960s movie, standing on piles of phone books to reach where the phone was located because she was so short. He almost laughed at the image, but quickly stopped himself. This was a serious conversation. 

“I mean, if you want to.” He tried to sound casual. Like his heart wasn’t jumping through his throat at hearing her breathing on the other side of the line. God, he was a complete idiot. 

Worse than an idiot. 

He was…detestable. Yes, that was the word. 

As long as he could keep his mind busy, thoughts of her standing on the imaginary phone books couldn’t creep in, images of her on her tiptoes, leaning up, up, and then falling over, him offering his hand, as any gentleman would…

“I’m just…” Emily’s voice was so quiet that he barely heard her. “I think I have to start over. I just…”

The words bled into Nolan’s mind. Emily had no money, no friends, no strong support system, but she did have one thing: sheer bravery like he had never seen before. It was admirable and quite foolish. 

Nolan didn’t know what to say. He knew what he wanted to say, and it started tumbling out of him like word diarrhea.

“Do you have a…” Nolan quickly clasped his hand over his mouth, grateful that she couldn’t see him. How could he ask her if she had a place to stay? He knew she didn’t. What a disaster. 

He wanted to give her comfort. A place to stay, a blanket, a warm bed, a nice cup of tea. 

Emily was dead silent. It was almost as if she knew. 

He prayed to any and every god that she didn’t. 

EMILY

Emily hung up the phone, feeling like she had gotten nowhere. What was her old roommate supposed to say “Gee sorry, but you’re out of luck”? 

Emily took a few shaky breaths. It felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room, and she had nothing to show for all the anxiety she felt. 

Great. 

All she wanted was to dissolve under a blanket and curl up with a hot cup of tea. 

Twenty minutes until her husband was home. 

Twenty minutes until her life repeated in the same cycle, over and over. 

“I can’t do it.” She whispered. 

She reached for her phone again, looking at the cracked screen. Maybe she could go to her mom’s for a weekend, sort things out, and then come back. Maybe she just needed a little bit of encouragement. 

But she knew deep down that encouragement wouldn’t solve this problem. 

Steadying herself, Emily picked up the phone and redialed Nolan’s number. 

Nolan answered on the fourth ring. 

“Hi,” Emily stammered, standing up. “I’m sorry if this is bad timing…” 

“Terrible.” Nolan said, a flat tone in his voice.

“Oh,” Emily felt dejected, feeling all the air whoosh out of her body.

“Just joking.” Nolan said, more pep in his voice.

“Oh!” Emily tried to recover. “I knew that.” 

“Can I…” Emily started, thinking of how to phrase her words. She paced around the living room, chastising herself for not thinking quicker. 

Stupid brain. 

“Can I come stay in your shed for a weekend?” Emily blurted out. 

“My…my shed?” Nolan seemed genuinely confused. 

“Well, um,” Emily tried to provide a logical answer as to why she had chosen a shed, but nothing came to mind. He had a house. A warm house. Surely he would let her stay there.

“I just didn’t want to intrude.” Emily said. “You know, if you said yes.” 

“Is everything ok, there, or…” Nolan let the question hang in the air uncomfortably, and Emily watched the clock tick. 

“I’m getting a d…a divorce.” Emily shoved the word out of her mouth. 

“Oh. I…I’m sorry.” Nolan seemed uncomfortable. Emily pictured Nolan with his head in his hand. Unsure. Unsteady. This was unknown territory. 

“It’s okay if you can’t right now, I know this is short notice, and it being Friday and all…you probably have plans.” Emily started to walk herself down. 

“You can come.” Nolan said, instantly wishing he had chosen different words. 

Emily felt electricity spread through her body with a force so intense that she wanted to jump in the air. She would sleep on the couch, the floor, the shed, she didn’t care. 

She felt free for the first time in over eight years. 

“Bye.” She squeaked out. 

NOLAN

What had he just agreed to? 

Trouble, that’s what.