A tiny ray of hope!

TW: rape

The sound of busy New York forced me to stretch my eyelids open. As I lay alone on my cozy bed, still baffled, I instantly realized that life as I knew it would never be the same. My life probably would never fully return to be normal but yet this tiny ray of hope was just enough for me to take this leap of faith!

I might not know a lot about life yet, but one thing I knew for sure was this miracle is a gift! What could be more beautiful than bringing a new life into this world.

Yes, this was going to be my new beginning, my wonder, my only hope, my new realm of dreams in which everything would be possible. I would be brave, I will be confident, I will conquer the world! I will be required to be the supermom for my new bundle of joy. Especially, since the baby will have only one parent to protect and nurture. And that would be me, the new supermom.

Well, for me, my mom was a supermom too, until recently. Yes, until recently, the mother who I worshipped so dearly with all my heart turned out to be farce. A mirage which quickly vanished as difficulties approached us. Disaster hit close to home. And that was the time a superhero would emerge and save the world, no? But not my mom.

As I said, the fake image which my mother had upheld for so many years, an image which showcased the world that she was a strong independent woman for whom her only child meant the world to her shattered into a million pieces! Even after my father passed away a couple of years ago, when the world sympathized with her, offered her condolences, gifts, she didn’t care for anything. She stood strong and said to the world, “I am enough for my daughter! I do not wish or accept any pity. I am strong and so is my child. Together we will hold each other up. My daughter is all I need to be who I am!”

Fake words, fake claims and fake motherhood!!!

In just a year, my mother found herself feeble. The bold claims she made were just writings on the wall, her reality demanded she needed a man! Her desperate attempt, as she believed would make her complete.

And so came “he”!

My mother didn’t ask for my approval to bring in a stepdad into my life. I didn’t need a man, like she did. And especially not a dad. I had one! And though my dad was not around in person, he was and will be forever in my heart. Needless, to say I didn’t see a reason to welcome “him” into my life.

He came, he stayed! He did all the possible right things a stepdad should do. He took good care of my mom, our house, our so-called family. But what he did to me one Friday evening is beyond forgiveness. Something that has scarred me for life. Something I do not wish for even my enemy!

It was a regular Friday evening in Fall. I was preparing my college applications which I knew would hit me sooner than I would have been prepared for. I had made up my mind. I was going away, as far away from my mother and her so called new love! She didn’t need me, so I decided I dint need her either. My college applications were planned for all west coast universities. But my mom had other plans for me. She wanted to make sure I stay with her and him. He had been fueling her with this thought that a family needs to stay together and breaking this trio would be breaking our entire world. So that Friday evening, my mom decided she will visit couple of her old college friends, one who was now the Dean at Steinhardt and the other friend was a visiting faculty at the Syracuse. She readied herself to go out that evening and write my future forever with some of the brilliant minds, the way she wanted it to be. And she did!

While she was away, penning the unforeseen, I went through the unthinkable, the unforgivable scene. He damaged me forever, he raped me! That regular Friday evening in Fall changed my life. My mother did craft my future, but this was one which was unfathomable. As I lay dead on my cozy bed that night, my mother entered my room to tuck me in good night. She looked at me, tears still rolling down my pink cheeks, my heart still throbbing with pain, she knew there was something wrong. Yet, after tucking me in, she turned away from me. She didn’t ask me what was bothering me. Who does that? With such inhumane reaction from my own mother, I broke even further, so much that I knew these tiny pieces could never be glued together. As she turned away from me, leaving me disappointed I said, “he raped me”. I lunged forward hoping she will hold me in her arms, she will tell me all is going to be OK, that she was there for me. But no, she didn’t do anything of the sort. She tucked me back in as if she heard nothing, as if nothing ever happened.

I was devastated! Never ever I had felt so alone.

It was that night, and it is today that I feel abandoned, but today I do not feel alone anymore. It’s been two months since that ugly Friday but today I am not alone. My offspring is here, giving me hope, making sure I am not left alone, ever, forever!

With this innate support of my unborn child, I got up from the bed, took that first step!

My shower that day made me feel as if I was washing away all the sins, dressing up made me feel I was preparing myself for the future and one touch from within equipped me with the strength to do what I was about to do!  Report my abuse to the police!!!

I had kept quiet, I had kept mum, knowing that nothing and nobody could do anything to make it right again. Especially, after the reaction I received from my own mother, I had lost all hope. But only yesterday I came to know that I was not alone, my baby has been with me since that awful day, giving me strength each and every day. I didn’t realize the power it bestowed upon me. But I was ready now, I was ready to fight, fight the world to make it right! Make it right for my child. I refused to be like my mother, who didn’t care or love anyone but herself. I was not her. I had promised myself I will never be like her. I will be the best version of myself for my child and that is why I had to take the first step. Go to the law and ask for justice, not just for me but for the child within.

Speak up, stay strong, believe in yourself, I said to myself,

A wrongdoing should not break you, but it will make you strong!!!

This tiny ray of hope had given me the strength to take that leap of faith!