Burning Up and Burning Out

Part I

Nora had received many adages in her time. Total strangers, at times, would offer their advice to her. The only one she ever really took heed of was, “Fake it till you make it.” She couldn’t remember who exactly told her that - thought she might have happened upon it on a Tumblr post, or the like. The first time Nora applied this saying was when she had been invited to a competition about artificial intelligence and young women. Her team needed to create a project that involved AI and an issue plaguing her community. The team leader had a lousy idea that ended up consuming most of their planning time, and then was tossed out at the last minute. Nora’s idea was used instead. This meant she had to present it, being the most knowledgeable of her group.

It was terrifying. She had to speak in front of a massive crowd of parents, students from other schools, businessmen and women, as well as a former president of the country. When Nora’s mother came to see her before the presentation, she broke down in tears. She was scared. Her stomach was swirling, all the fear of an unlikely crowd reaction nesting and breeding in her belly. She didn’t want to do it - but she had to.

The dreaded moment arrived and Nora stood aside whilst her teammate rambled all their time away. They were being timed on their presentation, you see. She began panicking. Her teammate, Amanda, was trying to hype their project up. Nora still had to present the important information about what their project really was. Finally, Amanda stopped but there was only two minutes for Nora to deliver her speech! The faces of the crowd became blurred and the fear that was bred in her stomach now wanted out, any way it could. A woman stood to the side in front of Nora and she recognized the woman as Sasha, the presenter. Her face was stressed and she was staring right at Nora. The judges’ table was situated further away from the team, but Nora gave them attention now and then, as well.

She began speaking as fast as she could without seeming too rushed and tried not to omit any key information. She also made sure not to read from the PowerPoint presentation behind her, as the other teams had done. Her mentor said it was the worst mistake you could make when speaking as it gave the impression your audience could not read for themselves.

The presenter was closer now, her stance had changed and she was quietly mouthing a thirty second countdown. As quiet as she was, it was too loud. It was distracting.

Her words slowed and she was unable to break eye contact with Sasha, who seemed more stressed than ever. Time fled from Nora and her words followed suit, coming to a halt as the countdown did. Their time was over. The judges asked her questions and although she answered, the world felt blurred. It all rushed past her and she stood to the side, like a ghost witnessing the aftermath of its own demise. It remained like that until they were off the stage and back at their table. Their mentor gushed and congratulations circulated. She felt better now, only nervous about the announcement of the winners. While the other teams finished up, she pondered what had happened. Every bit of courage she had in her had solely gone to that event. The only option was to act. She had forced herself into doing her best and it had paid off; their team came second place and when they went up on stage for their prizes, Nora was congratulated for her speaking. She had done it.

She faked it, and she made it. 

Part II

Nora wasn’t a social butterfly by any means. She had one close friend at school named Deidre, and when Deidre was absent it was the end of the world for her. There was nothing for her to do and she would have to force herself to be chummy with the rest of the group - most of which were Deidre’s friends who had become her friends by association. She could sit in a classroom on her phone until breaks were over, but during classes that she and Deidre had in common...it was pretty lonesome. More often than not, if Deidre was going to be absent from school the next day, Nora would be, too. Her parents didn’t care. Sometimes she went to school for only two of the five days, and nobody seemed to care.

The worst part of it all was the awkwardness. Nora hated awkwardness. It filled her with so much dread and discomfort, and she would want nothing more than for the day to be over already. She would bargain with her brothers and beg them not to put her in awkward situations. It was usually very expensive…but well worth it.

She had a best friend. Quinn. They had been friends for over ten years and Quinn was extremely socially obtuse. This was perfect. Quinn downright loathed awkward situations, and that would force Nora to take the lead for her friend. It brought out a sort of mother hen in her. She had to take the fall, because Quinn wouldn’t do it. It wasn’t like that with Deidre at all. Deidre understood Nora and would do things for her so she wouldn’t have to deal with people in her cripplingly shy manner. Sometimes Deidre would encourage Nora to handle interactions herself and although it was difficult, Nora loved Deidre for it.

Having been with the same classmates, some for three years and others for two, Nora was fairly comfortable with them. Of course presentations were still annoyingly embarrassing for no reason, but that was standard, wasn’t it? Nora loved high school. She wasn’t popular, but she loved her friends and was doing okay academically.

Fast forward to the end and a whole new world of experiences await her. New friends, classmates, adventures, and naturally; enemies. Adjusting to the new responsibility of college was difficult. There was a lapse in the shocking amount of freedom that soon fixed itself when Nora realized she had no idea what her professor was talking about. The freedom was bad. It meant something was going wrong. Nora was way behind on her work, and whilst recovering, she made a friend out of it. Diane was cool. She was social. She had a lot of friends and introduced Nora to them. Now Nora had a lot of friends. It was awful.

They were all very nice people and fun to hang out with, but when Nora would go home she felt so tired and simply drained of her will to live. Then came schoolwork on top of it. Sometimes it was hard to keep up the charade, and she would use the excuse that she had schoolwork to do in order to get out of social gatherings…then guilt would come seeping into her mind for not actually doing said schoolwork. How lovely it was to sleep. To be cocooned in warm blankets, crickets chirping and total silence to match the darkness. It felt like a small reprieve, but it wasn’t. It was just a momentary lapse. She would creep out of her cocoon in the morning and put on her butterfly suit, burning twice as much energy as her friends just to be on the same level as them. To be the Great Pretender.

***

“Do you know why I’m telling you this story, Katherine?”

Katherine looked up at the woman sitting before her. Her face was pensive, lips pursed and eyebrows furrowed. The tension of her expression remained long after she’d schooled it, lines settling into place, still visibly etched into her skin. Katherine cleared her throat. She hadn’t spoken while Dr. Szameck recounted her story. Katherine deepened her voice a bit to prevent a crack or feeble tone, “Aren’t you supposed to not tell your patients stories? Client confidentiality?” A small smile crept onto the other woman’s face and she clarified that the names had been changed. Dr. Szameck leaned forward and clasped her hands together, a sympathetic but diplomatic tone in her words.

“The point is that you can’t keep giving pieces of yourself and pretending to be someone you’re not. You’ll end up with nothing to give and an identity crisis. You’re burning yourself out, what happens when there’s nothing more for you to-”, she was stopped by Katherine abruptly standing up. The young woman stood over her and unsure what to make of her reaction, Dr. Szameck simply stared. Her eyes followed a finger darted in the direction of a slowly ticking marble gray clock.

“Time’s up.”

Exhaling quietly, the doctor stood up and kindly smiled at the fresh faced girl in front of her. “Right it is,” said Szameck. “I’ve scheduled an appointment for you with the psychiatrist on the second floor regarding a prescription for Prozac. Please be there next Tuesday at eleven.” A quick salute from the girl and she was on her way out. After a few minutes of contemplating the session she had just had, Dr. Szameck’s phone rang. She looked at the caller ID displayed on her screen and smiled fondly.

‘Deidre’