Absent Friends

Rosaline

Her body was found by her mother on her bed at 10:05am on the 2^nd of March 2012. Her usual olive toned skin had been drained of all its texture, leaving a white the colour of freshly lain slow and equally as cold to the touch. She lay with her face buried in a pillow. Reluctant, even now, to make eye contact. On the floor, next to the bed, lay an empty bottle of vodka and a blood-stained knife. There was no note. There were two unanswered text messages on her phone. One from Rebecca, which read; “I’m sorry if I made you feel weird…please call me when you get this x”  The other, from Megan read; “Hey, what time you getting here? Please don’t bail on me now!”

That was seven years ago today.

The Girls

On the seven-year anniversary of Rosaline’s death, Rebecca had decided to reunite the friendship group together again. They had remained friends, but it had never quite been the same since and two of them, Heidi and Sinead had moved away.  They were seventeen at the time of her passing and all of them were filling out University applications and drinking most evenings. None of the girls were satisfied with their life yet. No stable relationship or promising career yet. Sometimes, they got incredibly envious, seeing other girls from school starting families or kick-starting a promising career. They did not like to blame this on Rosaline, but, sometimes, they felt things might have been different had the event not happened.

Rebecca had invited them round to her flat. She had bottles of wine and a large bottle of gin in case they got bored of sipping on wine. She invited them there so they could talk about their lost friend. They had never gotten together and spoken as a group about her. Holding a glass of red wine in her hand, she stared avidly at the blood red liquid as she began to speak. Unable, at the moment to make eye contact.

“Rosaline used to prefer white”.

“She used to prefer neat Vodka.” Megan added. This comment caused Heidi and Sinead to throw her disapproving glances. This caused Megan to expand by saying, “Well, she did. She was a party girl. Wish I could have handled my booze like that.”

Rebecca laughed at this. “True enough, she could drink all of us under the table.”

“It was a façade though wasn’t it?” Sinead asked. “She obviously didn’t handle it well really, did she?” A glum and awkward silence preceded this comment, in which no one knew how to fill. Eventually, Rebecca drained her first glass of wine and while pouring herself another, she suggested, rather amicably, “Lets talk about the last time we saw her. I’ll start”

Rebecca

She was supposed to go to a party that night. I was not invited because it was Michelle who didn’t like me because she was thought I was after her boyfriend, Greg. I had no interest whatsoever in Greg or her sleazy party. Rosaline had text me earlier on the day to say she wasn’t keen on going and that I could come and have a few drinks with her if I wanted; so, I went round.

She was already quite tipsy. She seemed giddy but slightly anxious. She was fidgeting a lot and she was drinking even more than usual. She was already halfway through her first bottle and I saw another, unopened on her bedside cabinet.

“Why didn’t you want to go to the party Rosaline? You usually never miss a party.”

“Can’t be bothered. I’m stressed with college work and Uni applications and whatever.” She took a massive swig of neat vodka and began pouring herself another. When I protested, she mixed in some coke. “I’ll slow down a little Rebecca, you need to catch up.” She winked at me and then slumped on her bed, clutching her glass with a defiant grip.

As the evening went on, we spoke about memories of school. I had known her since we were at nursery together. We spoke about moving in together in the future. We were planning on applying to the same University and then renting together. I was getting drunker now too and was giggling at our ideas. We were talking about decorations we were going to have in our living room and who was going to spend longer in the bathroom. We were lying, side-by-side on the bed. She was smiling. It was the first time I had seen her smile for a long time, and it made my stomach feel weird. Was it butterflies? It was a beautiful smile that still pervades my dreams now. Drunk, foolishly bold, I leaned over and pressed my lips on to hers. I don’t know how long the kiss lasted but she did not immediately push me away. It must have gone on for a while because there was so many thoughts and emotions racing through my mind and my body that, a long time must have elapsed to accommodate for these. All those years of confusing thoughts and hating myself for feeling certain things were beginning to dissipate and become clearer. Eventually, she pushed me off.

“Rebecca, I..I’m sorry, I don’t.” She sat up and put her head in her hands. All the happiness that had just invaded my body had been quickly vanquished and replaced with an army of embarrassment. I fled the room and ran home. Jumped on my bed and cried like a petulant child. I text her later to apologise and asked her to call me but, she never did.

After Rebecca had finished talking, there was another long silence. No one said anything about her confession. Rebecca didn’t add anything further. Instead, she took another large gulp of wine and opened the bottle of gin.

“Heidi, you go next.”

Heidi

Last time I saw Rosaline was about two weeks before she died. She was helping me out with something. I was pregnant at the time. I hadn’t planned to tell anyone, but she suspected I was acting weird and confronted me. I broke down and admitted everything to her. It was bloody Jason. The good looking, dim-witted boy I had been sleeping with on and off all year. We usually used protection. There was one instance where he said he forgot to bring any rubbers and I didn’t have any. We were slightly tipsy at the time and, what were the chances I’d get pregnant on the only time out hundreds that we slept together? Anyway, it did happen, and I was terrified. My parents are strict Catholic’s and would be mortified if I got an abortion but, they would even more mortified if they found out I got pregnant to bloody Jason. They thought I was an angel.

Rosaline said there was nothing wrong with an abortion. She said it was better than throwing my life away. Said I did not even like kids. She wasn’t wrong, I don’t like them. Still don’t. The final nail in the coffin for my unborn child was the argument she put across about me being an unsuitable mother at the moment. I didn’t know where I wanted to be in life. I was ok academically but nothing promising. I drunk too much. Not as much as Rosaline but I also used drugs. My life was a mess and it wasn’t fair to project this on to a child. I protested that I could change and sort myself out for the baby but I knew I wouldn’t and also, that I didn’t want to. I wanted to enjoy my life and see if there was a calling for me out there somewhere. I couldn’t do that with a baby. So I got an abortion. Rosaline came with me to the clinic.  

A week had passed and I my emotions were spiralling all over the place. I was drinking daily and staying out of the house to avoid my parents. I broke everything off with Jason. He never knew about the baby. I developed a resentment for Rosaline. I went into college, heavily intoxicated. I had it out with her there in the canteen. Screaming at her that she was a murderer. I don’t even recall if she put up any defence or said anything in response. I just remember me screaming at her and then slapping her as hard as I could across the face. All the spectators in the canteen clapped and cheered. Eventually some college security men escorted me out and I was suspended for two weeks. Christ, I’ve got to be one of the only people at our college to get suspended. Who get suspended at college?

I never saw Rosaline after that again. Truthfully, I would have gotten rid of it regardless of what she said. She didn’t pressure me to do anything. I’m glad someone was there to validate what I wanted to do.

Heidi had finished her recollection. “Pass me the gin, Becca.”

Sinead began to tell her story.

Sinead

Rosaline confided in me that was struggling academically. She was a bright girl really. Creative. But she was lazy and a drunk. She never handed in assignments on time, never did revision for her exams. But she wanted to go to University. Not, I suspect, for academic purposes. More because she wanted to escape this town. She didn’t have a good relationship with her mother or stepfather. She was that conditioned to booze because she was allowed to have it from a young age.

She never meant to be, but she cruel to me. She fell behind on a lot of work and asked me if I could do stuff for her because I did well academically. I usually complied and did some of her work, as well as doing mine. She was not happy with me if I didn’t do perfectly. One time, I submitted my own essay and got an A*. I submitted an essay on the same topic for her and she only got a C. She was furious. Saying I was jealous and didn’t want her to do better than me. I tried to say I had to make the essays different so they wouldn’t suspect plagiarism and it was difficult to create two entirely different topics.

In her sober moments, she did apologise to me. Said she really values my friendship and accepts that she does not treat me right. She gave me money. No idea where she got it from because her parents never gave her any. She said she would try harder and that she did want to be better. But this was sporadic. One moment she was nice, the next she was demanding that I complete her assignments due in two days. I was unbelievably stressed and had to start taking anti-depressants.

After she died, I felt so guilty for years afterwards. Guilty because, although I was still sad, part of me was relieved. I could focus on my own work and on myself. My stress alleviated and I could manage without medication. The guilt would stay with me though.

She finished and didn’t need ask for the gin. Rebecca was already pouring her one.

Megan began.

Megan



Rosaline was talking about feeling down. She started saying unusual things. She got obsessed with ghosts, god, and all sorts of wild theories about the afterlife. She would call me in the middle of the night to say she had a crazy dream with the devil saying stuff to her. I often declined the call because I thought it was just her drunken antics. She called me crying and I told her she was being ridiculous and to put the bottle down for a night.

Michelle’s party was that evening and Rosaline had promised me that she was going to come with me. There was a boy I fancied like mad and I needed support. I know it is silly looking back. I went to this party and there he was. Not paying me any attention. I tried to drink a bit to get some Dutch courage, but it wasn’t working. I text Rosaline to make sure she wasn’t bailing. She didn’t respond. After an hour I called her and she answered. She was rambling about being miserable and that she couldn’t face a party. She said was confused and anxious and that the dreams were getting worse and more potent. I told her I can’t believe she let me down and got that drunk already. I needed her tonight. I tutted and hung up the phone. That was the last time I spoke to her.

Why?

“She confided in you”. Rebecca said to Megan. “She was asking you for help”.

Megan bowed her head. “I know. I’ll never forgive myself for not taking her seriously. I was just thinking about myself”.

“I was too, I guess.” Rebecca said.

“Why do you think she did it?” Sinead asked.

“alcohol was the main factor. I don’t think we can disregard the emotions she was going through. But she could have contained this better if she didn’t have such a foul relationship with alcohol.” As they discussed this, they drank more and more gin.

“Do you think we could have helped her?” Rebecca asked.

“Maybe” Sinead replied. “We can never know really. We couldn’t have been round her all the time. I think, as horrible as it sounds, it would have happened eventually.” No one responded to this comment. What was there to say?

The girls filled up their glasses and clinked them together in cheers.

“To Rosaline” Rebecca said. “I hope you’re happier now. Wherever you are.”