No Good Solution

The light of the moon peeks through the half drawn curtains into the bedroom. It is already past midnight; their breaths are calming down and their bodies peel off each other naturally, after the most intimate exchange one can imagine. It has been months, and yet every time they are like this, it feels like the first time. Of course it is. There is excitement of forbidden romance, the feel of another, who is not really yours, naked and open and vulnerable, but, oh, so delicious. She smells life and sex and survival to him; he reeks of power and destruction to her.

As their bodies return to state of normal function, none speaks. There is nothing to say, really. Both of them are satisfied, yet still hungry. But it is not the sex they hunger for; it is the longing to freeze this moment, to stretch it out for an eternity, to never leave the safety of their own guilt; for it is guilt that now starts seeping in, and regret. Regret for the misery they are locking themselves in, for playing each other’s devil’s advocate, for being such assholes, to each other, to themselves, to the people around them.

She get up first, sweat glistening all around her naked body, and walks to the bathroom, closing the doors behind. She thinks she will tear up the second she is inside, but tears don’t come. She doesn’t look at her face in the mirror, because she doesn’t want to see the person looking back. Satiated? Sure. Happy? Not even close. Splashing some water over her face, she lets the shower run and steps in.

How did you end up here? You stupid cow. Of course it is going to end up like this. You are falling, Miss, and there is nobody there to catch you. You will crash and burn and not just you. You will burn everyone around you.

SHUT UP.

No YOU shut up! You know what to do. Get your shit together and leave him. This is the only way. He is married for Gods sake! With a child? And you are ENGAGED!!!! What did you think is going to happen? You thought he will fall for you, abandon his life and everyone around, and live happily ever after? And what were you prepared to do? Break the engagement? Tell your fiancé, the man that is by your side for the last 5 years and does nothing but adores you that you are running off with a married colleague of years?

I NEEDED IT. I STILL NEED IT. IT’S COMPLICATED.

No, it is not. Grow a pair and get out of this damned situation before it turns into a disaster for everybody around you. You have a good thing going on and you don’t need this complication!

YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND.

She shuts off the water and steps out of the shower. Wiping the foggy mirror clean, a stranger’s face is looking at her from the mirror. With the heat of the night almost gone, another

Yes, ‘you stupid cow’ is right. She walk back into the room, finding her scattered clothes on the floor, and starts getting dressed in the semi dark.

He is lying in bed, motionless, looking out for the moon beam creeping into the room. Basking in the post-coital glory, spent and pleasantly exhausted. The shower is running now. The moment of bliss is brief, however. Because the situation is still the same: married and unable to leave, yet longing to be nowhere else than here forever. How many times has he had this conversation with himself? How many nights did he spend like this, in an embrace of this beautiful and smart woman, sharing himself with her and her with himself, so natural and logical, yet hidden in secret?

Man up. Come clean or quit. Buddy, you cannot have it both ways. This will end up in a disaster! How many times do we have to have this conversation? You are destroying her, destroying your family and destroying yourself. So what you are not the happiest married guy out there? Boohoo! Marriage is supposed to be more miserable than happy! Even if it sucks to the bone, you have your kid to consider.

I KNOW, DAMNIT.

No, YOU don’t understand. This show has played out a million times before you. How many happy ending do you know of? That’s right. So few and they probably didn’t even make it in the end. Quit while you can. You have already overstepped the fun phase, and you are entangling yourself into a web you cannot possibly escape from. This is a disaster in making. For you and for her. Look at her, it is already rubbing off on her too. You know how you know? The sex becomes phenomenal. That’s right. The better it is in bed, the more fucked up you are on the inside. Do the right thing.

YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. IT’S NOT JUST THE PUSSY. IT’S THE WHOLE PACKAGE.

No, YOU don’t understand. This show has played out a million times before you. How many happy ending do you know of? That’s right. So few and they probably didn’t even make it in the end. Quit while you can. Do the right thing.

IT’S NOT THAT EASY. I THINK I LOVE HER.

You idiot.

Lost in this never-ending argument, he notices she has come back to the room and is getting dressed. MY GOD, YOU ARE GORGEOUS. I AM AN IDIOT. In this moment, he makes a decision. It’s her and no one else. That’s it, that’s the decision he was afraid to make, but it is one that was always going to happen. Everything else will work itself out, somehow. Truth is the best way forward.

I LOVE YOU.

She picks up her bag from the chair at the table and reaches for the door handle. She walks through the door, without turning around; feet resolute but eyes already watering up and chest tightening.

I LOVE YOU.



GOODBYE.