Orion

The sky was always so dark here. I could count almost every star, every night. Though I didn’t quite have the time or patience to do so. I would look up as I walked to my car and usually I could see one of the dippers. I’d admire it briefly then move on. But that day I was reluctant to look upon them. It was like when they tell you to wish upon a star and your dreams will come true. But why was it that my dreams were being crushed?

My feet felt like they were attached to concrete blocks as I exited his house. The front door didn’t close immediately behind me, he must have been watching my pathetic parade. I thought things had been going so well. I knew I was far from perfect but he had been so patient and kind. I felt myself start to relax, to want to go above and beyond for him. And then it was over in the blink of an eye. I wasn’t sure why he had wanted me to come all the way over just to sit me down and quietly explain how he wanted to give things with his ex another try. He had invested so many years into her, but he was the one who hadn’t been emotionally ready. Now he was. I thought it was for me. But I was wrong. He even held my hands while he did it, slowly rubbing his thumbs across my ice cold skin. I wish my heart had been that way. I wanted to make a barrier to keep out all the things that meant to harm me. The image of her swirled around in my head, how I had always thought she was so much prettier than me. Didn’t mean she was a better person but it didn’t stop me from comparing every time I looked in that mirror. 

It was always the nicest people that wanted to tell you they were kicking you to the curb in person. Out of respect I guess. But a text message would have been so much easier. At least that way I could cry and scream into my pillow in peace. Instead I had to sit there and hold it all in, trying to focus more on my breathing than the words tumbling from his lips. Lips I had kissed so many times and now never would again. 

I had been left in the dust plenty of times. I wasn’t some teenager that had never experienced pain before. But it still sucked nonetheless. Especially since for the first time in a long time I felt confident in a relationship, everything was effortless. I could be myself, or at least the better version of myself. What if I never got that again? What if all that was left was shallow conversations or attempts to get in my pants without considering me a real person? Maybe it really was just time to become a hermit in the woods with all my animals, growing vegetables and burning sage. I tried to forget about the times we had talked about having our own piece of heaven, tucked away from everyone else. It was time to forget the feel of his body against mine and every lie that fell from him. 

I willed myself to move a bit faster so that I could hide away in my car. I just needed to get out of there. It rumbled to a start and I didn’t even give it time to warm up before pulling off. I knew the way home by memory at this point. Though the journey was just a daze as my brain subconsciously took me where I needed to go while simultaneously doing a rerun of our conversation. Was it too much to ask to be able to just turn my brain off? Didn’t it ever get tired of overthinking?

My vision refocused on my headlights now shining on the house. I turned the engine off and just sat there, waiting for the lights to go out and for the darkness to engulf me. The moon was only a sliver in the sky, revealing as little as possible. I could feel my knuckles popping as I gripped the steering wheel tightly. Everything would be okay, everything would be fine. There’s plenty of fish in the sea, I control my own destiny. I control my emotions, I can control my thoughts. I grasped at the threads of what I had learned in therapy. It was so hard to remember in the heat of the moment. When you needed those skills the most. 

I finally willed myself to slide out before slamming the door. It wasn’t the car’s fault but I had to take my frustration out somehow. Halfway down the sidewalk I came to a halt. For once, I just stayed there and looked up. The sky was filled with glittering balls of gas millions of miles away. Or whatever stars were. People all across time looked at them and saw images, it meant something to them. Shooting stars were lucky, constellations told stories. So what about me? What was out there for me? It felt like they were reaching down, as if to pull me into oblivion with them. Then maybe someone would look at me with awe, and actually mean it. Maybe I could draw out a new destiny, trace a path that would lead me to greater things. Maybe the tears and doubt would stop and the hope would start. Maybe I could hold up my hand and make my own pattern, draw a line from pointer finger to thumb. 

“Is that what you represent? Better things? How much longer do I have to wait?” I asked, looking at a million opportunities to be listened to. 

There was only silence to answer me. I couldn’t help the painful sniffles and weight that settled in my chest. Time to just keep walking. Maybe they’d beam me up another night. Or maybe they’d leave me to my miserable fate, a story not worth telling.