Shalam

CW: Themes of substance abuse and trauma.

“Are you there, God? Can you hear me. It's me Claudia. Yea, I know I call you often, but I really need you this time. You never answer me. My mother is going crazy again. I really wish you would answer me. Please, please answer me."

To my surprise, this time I heard God’s voice clearly. "The first time in my life," I thought, "I am able to hear God speak to me. Or was I not listening, prior to today." Maybe I was not ready or not willing to hear God speak prior to today. Is it possible? I am two years clean and sober which means I am spiritually connected, and I am not drinking alcohol and definitely not doing drugs.

So, I heard God's voice saying: “Yes, I am always here, and I was always with you. I always heard you speak to me, but you did not listen to me. You did not listen that is why you could not hear me. I advised you a long time ago, what is best for you, long before you decided to come to this earth. You should not have been born to that woman. So now we came to this point. All because you do not listen.”

I sat there quietly, and I was afraid to move or breath, because I wanted to hear God speak to me. Finally, I said: “What do you mean God?”

“Well Cee, you were meant to be born into a calm, structured family. You insisted on being born into this family. To this woman. I told you that she was mentally ill due to her trauma and her karma. You said that you were sorry for her. You also saw that your father's mother suffered under Hitler and lost all her family. You asked me to let you help her. I said not necessary she will be fine as long as she turns to me. You told me that her son, your father, suffered under his mother and you wanted to help him as well. I told you that he was not ready to be helped and that he wanted a boy and you are a girl. You mentioned that your mother experienced significant abuse, and you wanted to provide assistance. I advised you that the woman had suffered and was not ready to be healed. You did not listen and therefore not hear me long before your birth. I had to let you go and try to rescue them. Now this. Your energy was so strong, and every human has free will which I cannot deny.”

“Oh God, I totally get it now. Wow, that is so crazy. Today I am calling on you to ask you for help. I can no longer do this. You gave me life, and I am destroying it by trying to help others who do not want to take a helping hand."

“Ok then Cee. You must take care of yourself first. You must do whatever it takes to focus on yourself. You must learn to let go. This is your journey in this lifetime on earth. You suffered because you wanted to please people who care less. They are constitutional incapable of doing better. These people are on their own journey, and they do not want to hear what you have to say. You must learn to let go.”

“I can do that God. I really can because I do not want to destroy myself anymore. Initially, I aspired to help others in need; subsequently, I focused on aiding animals, rescuing the suffering and helping the unwilling. Now, I recognize the importance of learning how to support and care for myself, FIRST. That’s it. I am not you and have no desire or intention to be more powerful than you. It does not work. I am not Jesus or Superwoman.”

“You could have avoided a lot of suffering. If you had listened in the first place. Or do you think you had to go through all the pain and suffering to hear me? Maybe that had to be the way. Now you listen and you can hear me speak to you. Remember that day when your sister was born and the first time you held her. You asked her if she can tell you about me because you were already forgetting me.”

“I remember God. But where were you when my grandfather Hugo had his heart attack. I felt guilty because I thought it was my fault. After all he always played ball with me. That day he seemed tired, but we played anyway. Then he collapsed. I was terrified. Then in the hospital he did not listen to what he was told by medical staff. Was there nothing you could have done for him? You let him get up out of his hospital bed when he was supposed to stay in bed. Why did you not stop him? God why?”

"Free will, remember. Cee, you ask these questions because you are still in pain. Your grandfather, Hugo, protected you. He made the decision to get up. I did nothing. I had no power over that. The same way I had no power over you being born to your family. You see. Humans can decide because I am not holding them back. I gently lead them with a soft voice. Humans must decide to hear me. When they're willing, they listen to me. You are willing now and you hear me today.”

“So, you tell me that grandpa got up because he did not want to hear you saying that he needed to stay in bed?”

“How much louder did I have to speak? The doctor told him that he will have a stroke if he does not rest. The nurse told him that he might be paralyzed or die if he had a stroke. He got up anyway. Your grandfather wanted to come home to me. He experienced World War II and witnessed numerous difficult events. His decision to remain on earth as long as he did was influenced by your grandmother. He was not able to leave her. He spoke to me often and I told him that he had free will and that he must decide on his own. I told him that he was always welcome with me. That day he decided that he was tired and that he wanted his heart to stop. He is at peace with me and will return to humans when ready. He is not ready yet.”

“Wow. I like our conversation and want to thank you for this. I do not longer feel alone. Now that I can hear you so clearly, I will be able to pray for my mother, father, stepmother, cousins and all the other people who never cared about me. This conversation changed my mindset. I totally understand. People make their own decisions based on the connection they have with you.”

“Well, humans wrote a book who is out there for thousands of years. Why aren’t you reading that book and why are you not learning from that book?”

“What’s that?”

“Cee, y'all have the bible. The bible is a book of stories written by people for people. These people have gone before you and numerous others. It's a book in which people share their life experiences. There are no secrets in the bible it is written in curt language. Nevertheless, I wish the authors would have written a forward. The same way they wrote the Forword in the Alcoholic Anonymous Big book. A forward and introduction to a society and the explanation thereof. A simple explanation, good communication and stoic thinking can help so many people. The world is not meant to be perfect. However, the world is also not meant to be destroyed by people. Move close to me then you and other will experience the power of love and balance. Have compassion and understanding while you disengage. It actually means to completely disengage with what does not work for you. Form a connection with people based on your heart and your brain. The secret is balance.”

“I understand that. But why did you not let me have my dog business. That I do not understand. I wanted to help Pit Bulls because they’re gentle dogs who often suffer. I wanted to make money, and you took my livelihood and the ones of the dogs.

“Oh no Cee we are not doing this now. No, we are not! You only had to slow down. Find a way. Stop catastrophizing. You decided to drink and numb out the difficulty which you encountered. You let fear strike you down. Instead of using the fear as fuel to success. You gave up. I am not about giving up. I am about self-empowerment and integrity. I am about helping others to be independent. You were dependent on all the bad things in life. Your biggest dependence was your codependent thoughts, feelings, and actions. Your pain was pushing you to have a vision. This vision was finally pulling you into the right direction.”

"Thank you. So now I want to know what I can do about my mother being so violent?"

"Darling, disengage. COMPLETELY! Pray for her that is all you can do. She did not want to have you and just like she said you should have been one of her thirteen abortions. But you were born because you are a force, you are a light, and you are pure love. Thats why I let you be born and I let you go. Remember, free will! Now go and love yourself. Show me what that looks like to you. Let's talk a little later ok. Love you, Cee. Bye for now."

"Ok, are you still there, God?"

"Always, just relax and call me and we will go on with our conversation. I am always with you. Never give up."

"I love you God, Thank you. And we speak soon."

"AMEN"