Dilemma- A LIFE EXPERIENCE

I don’t understand why some people are considered indecisive, impulsive, confused. I think at every point in time we all have gone through situations where it’s difficult to decide between right and wrong, moral and ethical or we make decisions in haste that might have adverse consequences. How can one make the right decision at all times? We face so many kinds of dilemmas in our day-to-day life.

To be honest, I am mostly an indecisive person. I overthink a lot, even if it’s a small thing like buying a dress. I take a long time in decision making and the worst part is that I get easily influenced by others’ opinions. One such day, I was so excited that I was buying a 40-inch television with my salary for the very first time. I went to the showroom with my parents as I listen a lot to them, and I feel whatever decisions they make for me are right. I depend on them whenever I am confused, and this gives me confidence and additional support and comfort.

So, as I was saying, we decided on television which was my father’s choice. Although I liked something else, I felt my father knows better. So I agreed upon the same. We were all happy that the TV was going to be installed in the next two days. I met a few of my friends that day who made fun of me when I told them I was buying a television from this company. I felt very sad and came back home with a glum face. My parents were also excited about the TV and had also decided where to place it. My mother had made sweets as well. It surprised them to see my gloomy face. I told them that my friends said that this TV is not worth the money we are paying for. This upset my parents and they said you may buy whatever you like. I felt that I had spoiled all excitement and finally, after much thinking, I chose to go ahead with my father’s choice.

See, this is how I decide. I do not want to hurt anybody and in this process sometimes I keep my choices to myself and don’t express it. Although my family has imposed none of their decisions on me, still I like to make them happy by choosing the decision they have made for me.

Although now I have been staying away from my family for the past few years, and maybe, my dependency has reduced to some extent but still I hide nothing from them. I still decide a lot of things based on their opinion but I feel my decision-making skills have improved. I am much more confident and stopped blaming others or even God for the consequences. Whatever happens, good or bad, is my responsibility and I should accept it and move ahead.

Life was going on as usual. Actually, I like this routine life- a 9 to 5 job, doing my household chores, listening to music, and reading. I hate complications and still, there is certain anxiety associated with decision-making. I pray to God that such situations don’t arise in my life.

But that’s not possible, isn’t it? Actually, such situations make us mentally strong and life is not a bed of roses, right?

As always, whenever I least expect, this situation of dilemma creeps in.

These days, I am concentrating on my passion for learning guitar and my instructor was mighty impressed with the fact that I had picked up easily and quickly in the past 6 months. One day, he called me to his studio and said “Deepa, are you ready to fulfill your biggest dream?” With a wondered look, I asked “What, I didn’t understand!”

“Well, we are organizing a small program in a cafe on the 28th of this month and you are playing along with me,” he said.

I didn’t know how to react. I mean, was this a dream come true! Was this truly happening to me? I pinched myself and ensured that I was not dreaming.

“I just can’t believe it. Thank you, God, and thank you, Sir. I feel honored that you considered me for this program.”

“So Deepa, we have to practice daily and decide on the songs, etc as it will be a medley. We have lots of work to do and there is not much time left. I know you have to go to the office and all but all this has to be managed somehow.” he said.

“Yes, sir, I have been waiting all these years for such an opportunity. I will manage sir.” I left the studio so excited and happy and still couldn’t trust my destiny.

I reached home and video called my parents and sister for sharing this good news.

“I wanted to share something with you all,” I exclaimed excitedly.

My sister, who is a doctor and normally not very vocal with her expressions, interrupted, “Hey first listen to me. I was going to call you all.”

I said “Never seen you so happy before. So you share first”

“Okay, my little sis. You all know I have been fighting these exams for going abroad and practicing medicine there. Finally, I cleared the exams, and they have asked me to join this particular hospital in the USA. I have to leave on the 28th of this month so I have a lot of preparations to be done. They will arrange visas and all. I am very excited and nervous at the same time. Life is going to turn around like anything”

We all clapped and congratulated her. My mother started making a list on phone itself about all things she has to pack, etc.

I thought that this day was exceptional. God has been so kind to all of us.

Then my parents and sis asked, “Hey Deepa, you didn’t share your news.”

I told them about the guitar performance and they were all happy for me. They told me to practice daily and not to lose such opportunity as they all knew that this was one of my biggest dreams. When they asked for the date of the performance, I suddenly realized 28TH. Oh gosh, this is the same date when my sis will leave the country and I won’t be able to meet her for the next 2 years.

I stopped and said “Date not decided. But soon”

My sis said, “Do not keep any plans on 28th, okay, and please apply for leave in your office as you have to arrive the previous night itself.”

I nodded my head, and after putting down the phone, was in tears. I just held my head and talking to myself, I said” God, why did you put me in such a situation?”

I wasn’t able to concentrate on my work and wasn’t at my best in the guitar practice too. I felt as if nothing was going right for me.

4 days left, and I was in a totally confused frame of mind. My family is my priority, so I decided I will not attend the guitar performance and have to inform my instructor so that he can arrange for someone else. But, I didn’t want to lose the moment of playing guitar before an audience. Few get such chances. But my sister will be so disappointed if I am not with her on the day she is leaving. Anyway, I will meet my family also after a gap of 8 months so didn’t want to lose this chance too.

Why is all this happening to me? I am a cheerful person and dislike being continuously depressed. My mother felt there is something wrong with the way I was talking and asked me the reason. I kept mum, but she insisted unless I share, I will be continuously upset.

Then I told my mother about the dilemma I was facing. She asked, “Have you decided anything?”

“No mom, I haven’t even told sis as she will be very disappointed and angry with me. And not much time is left. If I do not decide today, I will be really caught up in a difficult situation where I wouldn’t be able to face myself. What should I do? Help me, please.”

My mother asked me to calm down and said, “Whatever decision you take, we will always support you, so this time it is your call. We will not suggest or advise anything. Sort out this dilemma on your own.”

That night I talked to my sis. Somehow, I built up some courage and told her about all this confusion I am going through. At first, she sounded upset and a little angry, too. She put down the phone saying that you decide whatever your mind and heart say.

Well, I have never understood this, actually. What is the difference between thinking with mind and thinking with heart? There is just one thinking and one decision, I feel.

Anyway, I told my mother that sis got upset and started crying on the phone.

It was 27th, and I had already applied for leave in the office. My guitar performance and my sister’s flight were around the same time the next day.

I had told nothing to my instructor regarding this, and I wasted so much time thinking but couldn’t decide yet and now it was too late.

My instructor said, “Deepa. Be ready. And practice hard. Tomorrow evening at least reach an hour before the performance so that we can just rehearse again.”

I wasn’t able to refuse him. He has been so supportive towards fulfilling my dream. How can I disappoint him?

My family called and asked “What have you decided? Are you coming or not? “

“Even if you won’t be able to come, I can understand, Deepa. You should fulfill your dream. And we can talk on Skype daily, isn't it? So don’t be disappointed, my little sis.”

Finally, I thought that there is no use sitting and wasting time. I caught the next flight to my hometown. Early morning I landed at our house and my family was surprised. All of them hugged me and I felt happy.

“What about your guitar performance?” they asked.

“Well, I have a flight in the afternoon so I am just here for a few hours to see off my sis and be with you all as I just didn’t want to miss this moment of togetherness.”

I had bought a gift for my sis and she was in tears and hugged me. She said, “I won’t be able to see your performance live but I will surely watch the recording after I land.”

I left for the airport again and reached at 5 in the evening. Then rushed to the studio. Although I was a little late for the rehearsal but could practice a little. My instructor asked “Is everything fine? You seem to be tired?”

“Ya, everything is fine. No, I am not tired. Nervous. I hope I don’t commit any mistakes”

“Don't worry Deepa. I have confidence in you and your ability. So let's go”

The performance went on very well. And on the way back home, I thought that “Some dilemmas keep your heart and head busy. It is up to you to balance both and then make your decision. After all, every problem has a solution.”