Never Again

For the sixth time that day, he was sitting there again. Staring out the window at the chickens within the wired fence. I could not imagine what it was he was finding so fascinating about the chickens he had spent his whole life taking care of. 

This was only his second week back and I had been hoping he would be overjoyed to see the family he had not gotten to see in four months. Hawaii was a dreamy place and I knew that. But you have to come back to reality at some point. I asked him earlier, “Are you happy to see me and Ma again Freddy?”. He, still staring out the window, responded in a melancholy tone. “Of course, I could never not miss you after so long.”. Something about his response seemed distracted. I moved on with my day. He would tell me eventually. He always did. 

Another week went by. Then another. He still would not explain his sudden loss of presence in our daily activities.

It was a Saturday evening when I was entering into our living room that I finally gained some idea of what was bothering him. He was on his phone talking to someone. “I wish we could. It’s just not an option to leave right now.”. He hung up. I tried to escape before he could spot me there in the corner. 

“Don’t tell Ma what you heard.”. This was clearly not an optional request. I just nodded and escaped from the tension. Who could he have been saying that to? And why was he only now, at 24 years old, hiding things from us? We had always been a close family, close and open with each other. 

The next few days were spent with the fear that I was going to lose my one and only brother. He was one of the two people I had in this wide, scary world. Who could he have talked to that would make him leave us? I am not sure I could stomach the truth. I saw one of my biggest fears become a possibility on that Saturday evening and I am not sure what I could possibly do to prevent this harsh reality. 

I stopped and gave myself a mental smack. What was I thinking? I had heard two sentences. It could have been nothing. I had other things to focus on. If I didn’t stop, Ma would realize something was off and confront us. Not that Freddy was working to make sure she couldn’t notice a difference. He would sit in the same place every day, solemnly staring out the window towards the chicken coop. Something in him had changed. In a very scary way. 

Throughout the next week, I would catch him on his phone more times than not, texting or calling with his anonymous acquaintance on the other side. I was not sure what to make of it, but I remained uneasy. 

One Monday morning about three weeks after I had heard the end of the first conversation, I noticed he had left his phone on the coffee table in the living room. He was nowhere to be found. I tried to access it. No luck. He was not using his usual passcode. It killed me. I had to know. I had to know who he could have been talking to that would make him want to make such a radical change. I heard footsteps behind me and quickly put it back. He walked back in and sat down, while I avoided his gaze. He said nothing. 

A week later, I was bringing in the groceries with my Ma. I was focusing on getting the vegetables out of the bags in the kitchen and chopping them up for my mother to make her special stir fry for dinner later this week. The chicken had to go into a sweet marinade. It was one of my favorite meals. As I was reaching for it in the pantry that was the furthest towards the living room, I saw Freddie headed to the bathroom with a towel. This was my chance to try again. 

I quickly entered the living room where his phone was and started attempting to enter passcodes. His birthday, special dates, the last four of his social. Nothing was working. I gave it one last ditch effort. I heard it click. It was my birthday. My chest became warm as I realized how much I must have meant to him. Suddenly, the phone was ripped out of my hand and I spun to the right to see my brother standing there angrily.

“What gives you the idea that it is okay to be going through my things?!”, he exclaimed angrily. 

“I wasn’t! I mean, I was. I mean…. You are just so distant and off lately! Can you blame me for being so worried?” I responded loudly. He stopped and looked at me, then sat back in his chair. He took a deep breath, like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. “Do you really want to know why I have been so upset lately?” he asked me. I nodded, eager to hear his reasons. 

“I fell in love while I was gone.”. He stated. I blinked. I couldn’t have heard him correctly. He was acting like this over a girl? How strange for him. He had never been the type to lean into romantic relationships. “The love of my life just happened to be in Hawaii when I went on my trip. Now they’re gone and there is just no way to continue to have this relationship for any longer.”. I suddenly felt horrible. He had been sitting in his pain for weeks now. Instead of asking him how he was truly doing or why he was being so distant, I had been waiting. Hoping it would disappear. Now I knew that it would not.

“I am so sorry Freddie.”, I said sympathetically. I knew he must have really fallen in love to have been this upset for so long. “What was her name?”, I questioned. He smiled. A sad, hollow smile. 

“His name was James.”.