My problem

   You want to know what my problem is, you want me to tell you how I feel and why I feel it. You ask a lot from me, especially when I know it’s only going to push you away. However, this time- this time I don’t think I can take you walking away again, but I know if I tell you my problem, how I feel; you will get scared and run, because that’s what you do best, and it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault you don’t know how to love, no one has ever stuck around long enough to show you what it properly looks like. I just wish you’d let me.

   You keep me at a far enough distance, so at any point if you feel trapped you can run. It’s worked for you, but you leave me all broken, leaving me to clean up the mess you just made of me and sadly without you, I have no choice but to fix it, I just don’t know how. 

   You are arrogant, crass, vulgar, immature, but your soul, the one you don’t think you have, but the one I see everytime I look into your deep blue eyes, it has shown me who you are. Who you hide from yourself, because you don’t want to seem weak. You’re caring, funny, loveable; God, are you loveable. It was like my world shifted the day I met you, I knew I wouldn’t be the same. And I wasn’t. I fell, and boy did I fall hard. Just when I think you were finally about to catch me, you bolted for the first time. I didn’t think a heart could break in so many ways until you left, my best friend gone, not even a trace of you was left in my life. You were gone.

   The day you came back was a day full of so many mixed feelings. You, the guy who left my heart shattered, was back; ready to try to mend our friendship and you did for a short time. In those moments I swore I wouldn’t fall for it again, but the second you knocked on my door, I was already falling and this time, I didn’t even notice it. Isn’t it sad? You waltz back in and I am already crashing, but you seem to be the only one who knows, and you don’t tell me.

   My problem is that I am, without a doubt in my mind, in love with you. You’ve walked in and out of my life, because I let you; because everytime you show me your smile, or let me glimpse your laugh, I get stuck; stuck in the web you’ve made just for me. My problem is if I told you any of this, if I told you I want you to be in my life till my last breath, you would tell me you’re not the guy for me, that you’re not good for anyone and you would ruin me. And you’re right.

   I want you to stay so bad that I’m letting myself stoop so low to just be friends with benefits. Just friends with benefits. When it’s clear I want more, I crave more, I need more. You can’t give me more, because you’re scared to. I’m scared too, I’m scared that I won’t be able to walk away from you.

   This time, if you walk away, I beg do not come back. You keep showing up and I can’t help but find myself getting pulled towards you. You are my greatest love, you are the love I wish was written in books. I have fallen deeply and at some point I know I’m going to crash, so please if you’re going to leave, leave an air mattress behind so it doesn’t hurt as much.

   I love you, I do. My problem is, I love you for the both of us. It’s not healthy. So, I will beg don’t walk away. I will ask, beg, plead even, that you don’t walk away, or take me with you if you do. I’m tired, I’m tired of you fighting this, so let me love you, let me show you, your worth. Let me in. Just, let me in, and this time I vow to not hurt you, I can be enough for you, so just let me be enough. 

   My problem, my biggest problem is that you show me you love me by walking away, and you walking away means goodbye, but you can’t say it to me; because deep down you’re just as scared to say goodbye as I am. We both hate goodbyes. And I get to say, this, this right here is my epic love story.