"Sleep" was a bad word in our family

"I can't sleep," - my baby whispered right in my face. I could see her breath forming a tiny cloud. She smelled like strawberries and a coconut body wash. I was stroking her arm for the past twenty minutes. Up and down. Up and down. She was tired and her little fingers were gripping a fluffy pink duvet. "But you have to, my lovely." I took her hand in mine and gently squeezed it. She looked up at me and smiled.

It was late in the night. I brought her outside, she wanted to see the stars before she fell asleep. I felt her getting more cozy in my arms and breathing deeper. The long-awaited rest was getting closer. I started signing her favourite lullaby and rocking her little body in my hands. She was getting skinnier day by day, so this sleep was needed. It was needed for both of us. I couldn't stay up for longer. Weeks and months were turning into one long day - we were having breakfast at 3 am, lunch as soon as the sun rose, and dinner right before midday. I would try to fall asleep right after but she would come to my room, start shaking my bed and wake me up. And I knew I had to. I knew I had to spend more time with her while she wasn't asleep yet. Her hair had been blonde before we had to completely change her hairstyle. "Is it gonna make me stay awake for longer?" - she asked me looking at her new reflection in the mirror. I nodded. I promised her she would be awake for the rest of her life. But she needed to rest now.

Her father didn't want to have anything with it. He swore not to come back until she fell asleep and we both could finally relax. I couldn't blame him, she was a lot, but she was my "a lot". It was the end of summer. The days were still hot, but the nights were getting progressively colder. I shivered and she looked up at me. "I'm sorry," - I said, - "I've got chills from the wind". "I get them sometimes too, Mummy." I smiled; she smiled back and dropped her head back on my hands.

The crickets started singing along to my lullaby. My arms were getting tired but I promised to show her the stars before sleep and I was going to keep my promise this time. I pointed at a shooting star: "Quick, make a wish." She furrowed her eyebrows and closed her eyes. "What did you wish for?" - I asked. "I wished to stay awake forever."

My body started shaking. I was getting more irritated the less I slept. I put her on the wooden floor of the terrace. She couldn't stand up from all of the sleepiness that took over her body. I sat on my knees right next to her. I could see her breath getting weaker. She was close. Her wish wasn't coming true, so I didn't have to make mine.

She needed sleep for the past two years. We were waiting for it, expecting it, even though we told people we prayed otherwise. When her father told me that it would've been easier if they allowed a quick way to make her fall asleep sooner, I told him to get out. I was throwing his things at him, trying not to scream too loud. I knew she was still awake, I knew she could hear us. As soon as he left I went to her room. She was half-sat on her bed looking at me with tears in her eyes. "Mummy, why is Daddy leaving us? Is it because I can't fall asleep?" I ran up to her and wrapped my arms around her body. It still felt strong and muscly at that time. "No, my lovely, Daddy is just tired. He just wants you to stay awake for longer and he doesn't know how to show it." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Please, tell him not to go to bed, I don't want him to go to sleep before I do," - she said, - "If he leaves, I won't be there to not let him fall asleep." "I'm sure Daddy will be fine."

I was still on my knees right next to her. If she fell asleep before 3 am, I would just go to bed and call everyone to tell them the news tomorrow. I wouldn't have to make her breakfast, I wouldn't have to make sure she doesn't see me falling asleep. I was wrong with using code words from the very beginning, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth. "Sleep" was a bad word in our family, it was worse than every other swear word she would hear from the TV. When she started getting weaker, she couldn't go downstairs to the living room to watch it. So every time I was there, I made sure I turned the volume a bit louder. It would help me stay awake in case she would call for me to let me know that she was close to falling asleep.

But she never did. At some point, I would fall asleep and miss her breakfast time. I would wake up with the sunrise and run upstairs filled with anxiety. And she would still be there, half-sat on her bed, staring at the wall in front of her, listening to the TV. She would ask me: "Where have you been, Mummy?" And I would tell her: "I was watching TV all night, why didn't you call for me? You are probably starving." She would say: "I never am. And you made me promise to only call you when I was about to fall asleep." I would nod and go downstairs to at least bring her some water.

I stood up from my knees and looked down at her. Her eyes were closed. She was falling asleep.

I picked up her tiny body and started walking upstairs. There were no tears in my eyes anymore. I could finally sleep.