Dreams on meadows

It was sunny, the light wind was twisting the grasses on the meadows. Skinny little girl with ginger hair and the pale face covered by the spots was running through grass. Her skinny long fingers crossed the tops of the grass. She wore blue shorts, a washed white T-shirt with straps and she was completely barefoot. She did not smile, the expression of her face looked dull, without any feelings. Her blue eyes looked thoughtful and tired, she is only about eight years old, but the body seemed older in terms of the body’s structure and attitude. She ran across the meadow and rolled in the grass for a few hours, when she got tired of it she watched the ants climb the grass and walk one after the other, she would follow the butterflies from flower to flower wondering where it would eventually fly. She stayed there until it began to get dark, then she would lie down in the grass. It wouldn't be the first time she'd fallen asleep in that meadow, but today the cool wind and raindrops had driven her away.

The house she ran into was very close to that meadow, but very far from the city and other houses. She opened the wooden door and closed the old window that creaked in the wind. She threw herself on the bed in the living room and fell asleep in an instant. She had the same dream as every night. In dream she would be in complete darkness, feeling lonely, motionless and cold, and she would just be hearing the familiar muffled voices and the sound of her own heart. In the morning she was awakened by the rays of the sun on her face as well as every morning. For a while she was sitting in a bed and thinking about a strange dream, she didn't like it but she couldn't change it. She dragged herself to the bathroom, brushed her teeth, and sat down in the already-filled tub. For some time, she observed soap bubbles in the water and when she got bored of it she got out of the tub and drained the water, she did not wash her hair or comb it. Then she ran to the kitchen and sipped cocoa in cold milk. She took the toast out of the toaster and spread butter and jam, her favourite breakfast. After breakfast, she pulled on her dress and ran out of the house.

She saw a large trampoline outside and began to jump on it without thinking. She jumped up to two and a half meters in height. Her hair flew across her face, falling into her eyes and mouth. Her dress flew around her and over her head. She tried to do somersaults, sometimes she would even succeed, sometimes she would fall but she would just get up and keep jumping. Her face still didn't laugh, nor did she look overly happy jumping, but she jumped for hours until she got bored. After the trampoline, she headed for the small pool in the yard. She took off her dress and jumped into the pool. She loved to hold her breath underwater and count how long she could last without air. When she managed to break her own record, she applauded to herself, without any word or laughter, she would just applaud and continue to break her own record. She swam and tossed in the water in the pool for a while until she realized she was tired of it too. She ran into the house to wipe herself with a towel and put on blue shorts and a washed white T-shirt with straps. She drank a cup of cocoa and ran outside. She ran all the way to that meadow from yesterday and continued to make circles around it, touching every blade of grass and stopping only if she saw a bug or an ant. If the beetle was interesting to her, she could watch it all day, follow where it was going and what it would do if she put a stick near it. When she got tired of the day, she would lie down on the meadow, sometimes she would fall asleep on the meadow because she would not get home from exhaustion, like she fell asleep this time.

It had already begun the next morning, a ray of sunshine on the girl's face waking her. Realizing that she had fallen asleep in the meadow, she just continued with her game. She was not hungry so she continued to follow butterflies and bees in flight. She would run after the bee from flower to flower observing its stripes and comparing one bee to another. She would count how many times she touched a flower before stepping on it, she would count how many flowers she jumped over on the way to another, she would count how many bees there were in the meadow and how many flowers of each species. After she got tired of counting, she dragged herself to the wooden house, climbed into the bathroom and lay down in the already prepared water in the bathtub. The water was still warm so she lay there, wondering where the bees were going after jumping across the meadow. Does a bee go to her wooden house where a warm bath awaits her? Do all bees go to the same house, do bees bathe at all. Why she bathes every day, why she doesn't skip a bath one day. After bathing and thinking, she got out of the tub and ran to the kitchen. She took the toast, butter and jam again because she likes to eat it the most and made another cup of cocoa. After breakfast, she put on a bathing suit and ran to the pool. She broke her own breath-holding record again and came out applauding herself. She went to the wooden house and put on blue pants and a washed white T-shirt with straps. She took a picture book from the table and ran to the meadow. First, she ran across the meadow and did circles as always. She looked like she was checking to see if anything had changed in the meadow since the last time she came. After she ran across the meadow several times she lay on her stomach and began leafing through the picture book. The picture book had animals drawn. She spelled each animal and imagined what it would look like to meet it. She looked around and waited for a dog or chicken or cat to see the one she saw in the picture book, but there were only bugs, butterflies and ants and bees around her. She closed the picture book and continued her game of tracking butterflies from flower to flower. Observing the differences between butterflies and counting the flowers that each butterfly jumped on. After the game, she dragged herself to a wooden house and threw herself on the bed and fell asleep.

She had a dream about darkness again. She tried to understand what those familiar voices she heard were saying. She was no longer afraid of that dream, because it was always exactly the same and nothing ever attacked her that she should be afraid. She still didn't like it because she couldn't move or see anything in her sleep. Sometimes she would count her heartbeat that she heard, sometimes she tried to understand voices, and sometimes she just waited to wake up.

In the morning she was awakened again by the rays of the sun. She got up and, as usual, thought about dream. After that, she went to the bathroom to brush her teeth and sat down in a full tub. But when she sat down, she decided she wasn't going to take a bath today, she got out of the tub and even tied a rubber band to her tousled, unwashed, ginger hair. She ran to the kitchen to make cocoa, took out baked toast, spread butter and jam and ate it. After breakfast she put on her dress and jumped on the trampoline, jumped and did somersaults, but she didn't jump for long because she got bored very quickly, she took off her dress and jumped into the pool but she didn’t want to count how long she could hold her breath. She ran to the kitchen, stopped to look at the picture book with the animals, and then she went to the room to put on blue shorts and a washed white T-shirt with straps, took the rubber band off her hair and walked slowly to the meadow. This time she didn’t run a couple of laps as usual. She just sat and watched how the light wind caress the grass and bend it. She ran her skinny pale hand through the grass and threw herself on her back. She lay and stared at the sun in the sky, feeling the wind on her face and the warmth of the sun on her arms and legs. She closed her eyes and thought only of that moment, of lying in the sun in the grass in the middle of the meadow and of the wind caressing her face. For the first time, the corners of her lips curled a little, she didn't laugh, she didn't say anything, she just felt something that moved the corners of her lips and the edges of her eyes for a moment. After that she fell asleep even though it was not dark jet.

She had a dream about pitch darkness. The muffled sounds were now louder and clearer. Familiar voices formed words, some of which she understood. She still couldn't move, and her heartbeat was getting louder and faster.

This time the sun's rays did not fall on her face and woke her up. She opened her eyes herself, saw a bright light, and began to blink. She managed to see the outlines of objects and some people around her. Nothing seemed familiar to her, only feelings and sounds. She felt alike she were still in that awful dream she dreams every night, the same familiar voices she heard, the same feeling of stillness and coldness, and sound of the beating of her own heart. The only difference is that all the sounds and feelings are amplified and it is no longer in the dark because she had her eyes open. Within moments, a person with long blond hair, blue teary eyes, and a big smile approached her. The woman asked her how she was and if she remembered anything and can she talk to them. She understood to some words what that woman was saying, but she didn't answer, she didn't know how to talk. So much time passed that she did not utter a word nor did anyone come to her and ask her anything. It took a long time to see the other person at all. She lay motionless on a bed covered with a white sheet from which some pipes protruded, she noticed a large box beating in the rhythm of her heart next to her head and realized that it is the same beating from her dreams, only louder. She thought about that woman question, what she remembered. She remembers the wooden house where she had just eaten her favourite breakfast and drank a cup of cocoa, and she remembers running in blue shorts and washed white T-shirt with straps on a meadow. She remembers the light wind blowing her hair and bending the grass in the meadow. The last thing she remembers is lying on the same meadow and how her lips and eyes move in the corners and how she has a different feeling inside, but she did not return to the wooden house because she fell asleep in the meadow. She remembers her dream, which was like every night, complete darkness, only louder voices and faster beating of her own heart. At that moment, the dream continues with open eyes. She doesn't remember where she is, she doesn't remember who the people around her are and who the woman caressing her head is, she doesn't remember how she got to this bed from the meadow. She tried to move or say something, but she couldn't. She wanted to wake up, she wanted to go back to that meadow that she only remembered, but she was already awake, really awake.