My Narrative.

R: hey

R: I have a question.

L: ?

R: we have an open relationship right?

L: Yeah.

R: can i have a summer camp romance?

L: Sure.

L: I thought you weren't going to though.

R: eh. I changed my mind

L: How come?

R: well you tell me how much i mean to you but then you also have nat. So maybe there's something im missing. and i really do want to have my first kiss with you, but i want to soon and your not ready which i respect and i don't want to pressure you. so yeah.

R: that's okay right?

L: Yeah. It's fine.

R: kk cool.

Mika: I thought you only wanted to kiss him

Raya: I do. but maybe it would be nice to have something new? idk what's the harm? he has nat.

Mika: Just be careful

Raya: yeah… i'll try.

Raya: heyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Lumi: Hi!

Lumi: You're on?

Raya: yeah! we get our phones for a few minutes every sunday.

Lumi: !!!!!!

Lumi: How's camp been?

Raya: so great!!!

Raya: there's this girl named zilly from my cabin..

Lumi: Oh?

Raya: she's realyyyyyyy pretty and funny and sweet and her eyes are so pretty! Like emeralds

Raya: she's from new york.. her room is full of plants she has a brother and a basset hound named Bernard.

Raya: A BASSET HOUND!!!!!

Lumi: XD

Lumi: I’m glad you're having fun sweetheart =]

Raya: yeah!!!!

Raya: well i gtg byeesiesss

Lumi: Bye <3

R: I HAD MY FIRST KISS!!!!

L: Oh??

L: With who?

R: ZILLY!!!!

R: it was today, and we had some downtime so we were walking in the forest on all of these fallen logs and then it starts to rain right as we reach this clearing that is really pretty like the trees were so tall and there were a bunch of wild flowes. so then she grabbed my hand and pulled me into the clearing and we were kinda just holding each other and swaying and then out of nowhere she decides to take my arm and spin me and it went well until my foot slipped in the mud. But she like grabbed my waist and caught me. And it was sooooooo romantic. And my hair was all wet in my face so she brushed it out of my face

And then

SHE KISSED ME!!!

L: She didnt ask for consent?

R: noo but its okay cuz i would have said yes.

L: Happy for you babe <3

R: anyways i do now know for a fact that shes bi and likes meeeeeeeeeee XD

L: XD

R: gtg!

L: Bye?

R: helllloooooooooo

R: how are youuuuuu?

L: Fine.

L: You?

R: still good :) Zill and I share a cabin so we get to cuddle every morning! It's weird to be held for once instead of holding someone else. it makes you feel protected and safe. no wonder you like being in my arms..

L: XD

R: im assuming you're playing a lot of board games?

L: Yep.

L: You?

R: watching the stars.. going on hikes and campfire stories i cant believe ive never been to one of these before. So coollll. also never believed in summer romances sooo XD

L: XD

R: see you soon! next weeekkkk! BYEEE

L: Bye <3

R: Hey!

L: Hi!

R: ive missed you!

L: Ive missed you too =]

L: So, how was camp?

R: it was so good! you have nooooooo idea. It's the most fun I've had in a while. fun to get out and do something new.

L: Good!

R: and you would loveeeeeee Zilly. they have short brown hair with purple streaks she's really adventurous and knows how to make people smile. You'd probably like her.

L: Yeah.

R: how was lincoln city? have fun with your grandparents?

L: It was fine. Lots of card games.

R: nice!

R: Ah shoot. I gotta finish unpacking and i told zill id give her a call when i got home.

R: im back!

R: so how r u?

L: Fine.

R: what's wrong?

L: Nothing.

L: I'm fine.

L: It's just weird to know you have someone else too now.

R: oh im sorry, does that bother you?

L: Didn't say that.

R: If it makes you feel any better, it was fake.

L: What was fake?

R: Zilly isnt real.

L: Why would you lie?

R: i guess i wanted to feel like i had someone too. Like you have nat. i wanted a person too.

L: So you played with my feelings so you could “Feel something”

R: oh im sorry, was that hurtful? at least zilly isnt real. And i thought you said this was an open relationship even if she was real, it shouldn't bother you.

L: Im bothered that you fucked with my feelings

R: just letting you feel how i feel every day. who im kissing and dating shouldnt bother you since you have a bf can i not want what you want?

L: Thats not what im saying. Dont play with my feelings.

R: shouldnt bother you, who im kissing. I can kiss who i want.

L: But you didnt. You just lied saying you did.

R: you wanna hear something?

R: I thought about it. I thought about trying to having something else with someone else. Kissing someone else. But i cant.

R: you know why?

R: because i dont want anyone else.

R: i just want you. And only you. I want to kiss you. and be yours. I dont want anyone but you. I want to be yours

R: and it sucks to know i only have part of you. that i would do anyting for you, and that you have my whole heart and i only have part of yours. I guess it just sucks and hurts sometimes. And i dont want anyone else, all i want is you,

R: so im sorry for playing with your feelings. I guess i just wanted to make you feel the way i always do.

So i suppose im sorry, for lying about something that would have been fine if i did. sorry you had to feel how shitty it feels and if you have a problem with me dating someone else and feeling that way, then why are you dating Nat?

You dont like it when you feel that way but have no problem causing me to feel that way?

R: i dont know.

R: im sorry i lied.

R: i know you love both of us. Want to date both of us. and thats totally cool. but even if its okay that doesnt mean it doenst hurt me. You cant help loving both of us and i cant help but be hurt by it. but its fine.

dating you is worth it

but sometimes it hurts.

Dear future/ letter me,

i feel bad about saying all of those things. but why do i have to feel guilty for perfectly logical feelings? my bf has a bf. He loves someone that's not me and touches someone that's not me. How is that supposed to make me feel? Absolutely wonderful? It's a complicated situation, I get it. Your sad because you love both of us and would never want to choose one of us over the other. Were both your number ones and you love us equally. You don't want me to tell you to choose because you couldn't. I get that. And I'm not saying my perspective is more important. I just feel like I'm pressured not to feel hurt, not to feel sad like this isn't gonna affect me. I get that I'm new. I get i cant piss and moan and ask to be chosen first, it's not my place. I suppose though maybe i should take my own advice and shut up. I shouldn't complain about something if I can control it. If this really hurt me i would leave. But some things aren't as simple as that. All I'm asking is that i can be part of the narrative. That I'm allowed to be sad and hurt. It doesn't mean what im saying it true or right but i feel guilty for feeling this way. And if you ever do read this, I'm not mad. Not insanely sad or looking for a fight. I'm writing this from my bathroom after the two of us had a good day. Not frustrated, angry, or annoyed. Nah the things I'm writing about right now, are the feelings that are always there.

The ones I push away when I see you. The ones I tell to go away when I'm laying in bed at night, the ones i try to never think about. Because I don't want them to break me. The things I'm writing about, are the feelings I hide behind every smile. So if you ever wonder what's going on behind my eyes what I'm thinking about when I seem down. Here you go.

Another part of my narrative.