Status and Friendship

Change. Google’s top definition for “change” is to “make (someone or something) different; alter or modify.” It seems to me like everything is always changing. From the seasons to society to individuals–change never stops.

I know I need to change. I just can’t seem to, even though I really want to. It seems as though my therapist and I always talk about the same thing every week, over and over again, and we can’t seem to make any progress: “How have you been? What’s new? Any progress?”

I honestly hate it when she asks these questions because my current way of thinking seems to resist the transition to something new and better. This “new and better” mindset is unknown to me, but my guess is that it looks different from giving too much importance to money and popularity, which is what I believe has led me to feel bad about myself in the first place.

All I want is to be happy; I just want to be happy. I know I’ve been repeating this to myself every day for a while now. I think my downheartedness has finally bottomed out and I feel like I’m going to try my best to shift myself to a new way of thinking and seeing, but what will this new mindset look like?

I know I need to be nicer, warmer, and more playful around everyone, not just a select few that catch my eye. I don’t want to smile and laugh only around those who are wealthy, popular, and good-looking. I feel pathetic for being so two-dimensional. I know I care too much for things that are perceived as “high-status” and it makes me wonder how I even came to develop this mindset: was it family, culture, evolution?

When I came to the city for college, I, like everyone else, met new people. Some became new friends. But I question whether they actually were my “new” friends? My new friends, like my high school friends and myself, liked popularity, wealth, and looks, which has led me to wonder, “What makes a friend a friend?” Is a friend just someone we spend a lot of time with? A person we laugh with? A person we go on “adventures” with, and more?

What if we only hangout with someone for the “character” they play, rather than for who they are as a person? Like hanging out with someone just because they’re an actor or an athlete or they’re pretty. Even if we spend lots of time with them, do the surface-level reasons for hanging out with them make the friendship doubtful? I don’t know.

What I do know is that, in my pursuit of status, I have ended up all alone. My new friends were just like my old friends: reflections of me. They cared only about themselves and how the world viewed them.

Looking back now, I’ve learned there will always be people who want to be friends with someone for their “image” rather than for the enjoyment of their company. Money will always attract fake people.

Growing up, I always had lots of friends. But I wonder how many of them actually liked me for me? Since my parents made good money, we had lots of luxury items. My guess is that this is what made me very popular at school. For example, in high school there was a guy in my grade who wasn't very well-known. But then around junior year, everyone found out his family had a lakehouse, and he immediately became popular. I remember watching this guy's Snapchat score quickly go from around 15,000 points to over 100,000 points. I feel like this was, and still is, me.

I had tons of “friends” at my house all the time. I grew up in a big, stone mansion–the American Dream. We had lots of fun things like a pool table, a swimming pool, a wet bar in the basement (for parties), an at-home movie theater, a spacious backyard (including a volleyball net) with a pond (and dock) that backed up to a forest. Thus, my friends and I had plenty of space to hangout.

I’m pretty sure others saw these things, and so they clung onto me. We would also spend nights in the city, party at my house (athletes, wealthy kids, and pretty girls only), and vacation with my family. And my parents would always pay for those who came on trips with us.

All this has currently led to my non-stop thinking about whether people only liked the big house, the luxury cars, and my nice face. Or did they like me?

Through all this thinking, I’ve discovered my friendships seem always to have been based on physical attraction and my family’s wealth, rather than sharing in the things that are truly important: laughter and love. What I want now is trustworthy friends I can share laughs, secrets, and life with. Not penthouses, luxury clothes, or vacations in Monaco.

 I’m just so confused and lost. I’ve read online that as one becomes older, it becomes harder and harder to make close friends. This scares me so much. Apparentently, around our twenties and thirties, jobs, romantic partners, children, running errands, etc. begin to take time away from going out and just hanging out with other people. I guess it’s easier to bond with people and build trust when we’re younger and have open schedules. So, time is of the essence.

And I’m not confusing this with making new acquaintances because that is easy. I think of acquaintances as “superficial friendships.” They are the types of relationships where I force myself to smile so the other person won’t find me rude or weird. I ask about their work and what they like to do in their free time. We carefully keep the conversation shallow and never ask in-depth questions. These relationships can be found anywhere and at any time as long as one looks up from their smartphone.

But what we all want–and what seems so hard to find–is a relationship with another person where we can just relax and be ourselves. We can tell them about everything from our shortcomings and insecurities, to our quirks and deviations, to our darkest moments filled with crying and thoughts of ending it, to when we were the happiest person in the world and couldn’t stop laughing, to our loves and all the pains and pleasures that come with it.

I need to start making these deep-connection friendships. The material items I’ve had attracted shallow friendships. What I want is meaningful human connection. I need meaningful human connection. I mean, I’m twenty-two, with no “real” friends nor a significant other whom I can truly love and be loved by. And this is what I want: love.

All I  want is to go through time with at least one person who I can love, and who can love me.

Where are you?