The Rubber Duck

The soft golden light of dawn streamed down from the blinds, painting thin stripes across the cramped apartment. Ben stirred beneath a pile of blankets, his head throbbing from late nights of studying. The muffled hum of traffic outside barely registering over his exhaustion.

The door to his room burst open and slammed loudly into the wall nearby.

"Benny!" Suzie's high pitched voice pierced through the haze of sleep. Before he could react, a small ball in bright pink pajamas leaped onto the bed jolting him awake.

Ben slowly pulled a pillow over his face, "Suzie, it's too early for this, give me a few more minutes to rest my eyes". Suzie then pulled the pillow out from under Ben's head as she hopped up onto Ben's bed filled with enthusiasm, "I want to go swimming!". Ben's eyes slowly opened bloodshot and weary as he started to sit up. "Suzie the sun isn't fully up yet, I stayed up late last night studying for an exam I have on Friday. Would you be fine if we go some other time?".

She started to fold her arms in a pout "But I wanna go now!"

Ben sighed, the weight of responsibility pressing down on him. "What if I make us some pancakes? And after I've had some time to study, we'll go down to the pool, how's that sound?".

Suzie, not hearing anything Ben just said except for pancakes nods her head vigorously "Do you piney promise?"

Ben smiles and slowly extends his hand "Pinky promise."

Suzie’s small fingers looped around Ben's and as she hopped off his bed and ran into the kitchen.

Ben sluggishly crawled out of bed, got dressed and headed towards the kitchen to meet Suzie. There Suzie sat on a stool excitedly stringing the batter as Ben worked the stove.

While eating, Ben had a long lecture on the differences between a unicorn, Pegasus and an Alicorn. Though he could barely keep himself upright he couldn't help but smile. After breakfast, Suzie followed Ben into his room. "You can play with your toy horses in the living room while I study. When I'm done, we'll head down to the pool, but make sure you pick up after yourself, don't leave your horses all over the floor again." Suzie nodded while she went to grab the toy horses from the little box next to the couch "Ok Benny!". Ben shut the door of his room to keep the sound out, allowing him to focus more on his studies.

Suzie paid close attention to the clock, and Ben's door making sure he was deep into studying before she slipped on her sandals, grabbed her little rubber duck and left from the front door. She hurriedly ran down the 3 flights of stairs and sprinted towards the community pool nearby. When she was nearing the pool she made sure that there was no one nearby that could rat her out, once she was positive that she could freely play she kicked off her sandals and grabbed her bright pink life vest she got for her fourth birthday. While trying to put on the vest she struggled with the straps, and decided it would be better to not waste time for the possibility of Ben realizing she left, preventing her from swimming at all.

She started to walk towards the edge of the pool and jumped in holding that little rubber duck. As she was bouncing up and down, splashing the water around she started to drift off to where her feet could no longer touch the bottom of the pool, in a panic she frantically kicked her legs and started to scream for help trying everything she could to stay afloat. Eventually her grip on the rubber duck loosened as she was pulled into darkness, watching that small rubber duck float above her.

An hour later Ben stepped out of his room as his thirst was finally getting the better of him. There was a questioning silence that filled the air "Suzie?" no answer. Then he saw that the little rubber duck had been moved from the kitchen counter. His heart began to race as he frantically checked every room and every little hiding spot from when they played hide and seek. There was a sick feeling twisting around in his stomach. "No, no, she wouldn't" he could barely mutter while he ran out the front door not bothering to shut it behind him.

There was a narrow hallway between apartments allowing Ben to see only a sliver of the pool. As he got closer the silence was heavy and suffocating. Then he saw it, the little rubber duck bobbing up and down in the water. His pace quickened, he was breathing so fast his vision started to narrow. As he got closer, from the corner of his eye he saw little fingers, then a hand all leading to Suzie's lifeless body, her head facing the water.

"Suzie!" Ben screeched with the little breath he had, as he ran and dived into the pool. He pulled Suzie's limp body from the water and started to cradle her as cold tears ran down his face. He tried everything he could, his voice barely escaping his throat. "Please, Suzie... Wake up".

When the paramedics got there they confirmed his greatest fear, there was nothing they could do.

Ben sat shaking by the pool holding the last thing of his sister, that little rubber duck.

The apartment felt empty with Suzie's absence with her laughter no longer disturbing his studies. The sight of Suzie's untouched toys that littered the floor brought sharp pains equal to a bronze spear piercing through his chest. The days turned into weeks, with guilt and grief burying him under piles of bottles.

Ben left those textbooks to gather dust, and his girlfriend's calls went unanswered. His friends' invitations were met with only silence. The smallest sight of that pool was enough to pull Ben into a mental breakdown. That rubber duck became a talisman of guilt, never leaving his side, acting as a ball and chain, forever weighing him down. Even in his sleep, he kept that rubber duck clenched in his fist as if losing that rubber duck would be losing Suzie all over again. 

Eventually his friend's constant barrage was enough to convince Ben to try therapy, though, the therapy sessions acting more like a chore than a cure. Ben's therapist's constant attempts at trying to help were only met with inaudible grunts, with progress feeling like a distant, unreachable goal. 

After a long day and an unproductive therapy session, Ben came home not seeing that rubber duck anywhere. Panic took over as he threw furniture across his apartment, yelling at anything that was In front of him. His girlfriend tried to calm him but it only caused Ben to believe she was the one that hid it, trying to remove Suzie's memory. That argument ended almost abruptly when she walked out the door, leaving Ben alone with his thoughts.

The next therapy session was only worse when the subject of the missing duck was brought up. It brought Ben into a fit of rage as he hurled the chair he was sitting on in the direction of his therapist. Ben's therapist threatened to call the authorities if Ben did not calm himself or leave at that moment, those words stuck with Ben but he was too enshrouded in self pity to truly register what was said.

While Ben was driving home his vision blurred with the same cold tears, he replayed that morning over and over again until his head felt as if it was going to burst. After he had arrived home, filled with exhaustion he collapsed onto his bed, now left with nothing but silence.

Through the corner of his eye, was a small glint of yellow tucked under his bed. After leaping from his bed and realizing that the rubber duck must have fallen from his grip during the restless night. Relief washed over him, quickly becoming a wave of emotion as he saw, next to that little rubber duck was a small box hidden away for years.

Almost without thought Ben had grabbed and started to open that old box to discover a small, gray photo album. As he flipped through the pages the memories flooded in, Suzie's first steps, their parents smiles on her 1st birthday, their first camping trip. Then one picture stopped him, Suzie, holding that same rubber duck, her face beaming with joy. They were at a lake up north, the sunlight reflecting brightly off the short waves. All four of them were standing in the lake just deep enough so that Suzie's small feet could barely dip into the water. 

Warm tears begin to run down Ben's face as a fragile smile guides the tears down his cheeks. Those photos showed him, though short, Suzie's life was filled with happiness. Holding onto that small rubber duck was not keeping Suzie alive, but was preventing him from living.

That fragile smile, holding on to Ben's lips as he closed the photo album, his hand laying on the book for a moment as the photo of their family at that lake burned into his mind. The weight of the rubber duck was not gone, but softer to bear. Ben turned his hand over, releasing his grip on the rubber duck, paying attention to how the bright yellow has nearly vanished from the months of being stuck within his grip. Ben realized that this rubber duck is now more than any toy, it is now a symbol of his guilt, his sorrow, the anger and rage that has been building up. It was all these things but Suzie, she is in the memories they created together, the times they laughed together, the times they made a mess making pancakes. None of these things were in that rubber duck.

Ben knelt on that floor for what felt like hours, his knees digging into the hard wooden floor, finally Ben stood up, grabbed his keys and began to drive north. 

The drive to the lake was long, with winding trails and roads through mountains and forests, taking him further and further from the city. The sun was beginning to settle when he arrived, casting that same glow from many years prior. The lake looked unchanged as if time had no effect here. Ben's steps towards the lake were slow but meaningful, with each step his grip on the duck loosened, leaves and small branches cracking beneath his feet. He knelt on the edge of the lake clenching onto that little rubber duck, tighter than he had ever before. He hesitated for a moment, all the pain he felt over the past year hitting him all at once. "This isn't goodbye Suzie" his voice is barely audible over the sounds of birds chirping, and the small waves hitting the shoreline, "You'll always be with me, But I... I think it's time I let you swim away, to be free". With trembling hands he slowly let that little rubber duck float away, gently rocking in the rhythm of the waves. Watching, as the rubber duck faded into the horizon. As Ben started to walk back to his car and drive home, the memories of Suzie became less of a burden that he had to pull around, but a treasure. He knew the past was unchangeable, but he could choose how to remember it. That night, as he placed the old photo album on his night start he smiled, a genuine unburdened smile.

Suzie is gone, but her laughter, her smile, her glow will be remembered, and for the first time Ben allowed that to be enough.