Time Heals Nothing

It had been six years since they last felt each other's touch. There were a few phone calls here and there, but never any chance of intimacy—but there was a time. Their existence now was a shell of their once sultry passion.

Jim met his future bride, Renee, near the end of his time in college. She was young, intelligent, and if you had asked him, a knockout. She was a site. But an everyday beauty of sorts, and had a way about her that left Jim a hopeless, love drunk fool. Couple that with the intellect that afforded her degree in biology, and you had the perfect combination of brains and beauty—of which Jim would assuredly attest. Jim, alternatively, wasn’t the most studious. He struggled, but made earnest grades and graduated somewhere barely below average. It was just his nature. He was a free spirit and swanned his way through his studies. His recklessness was his allure. She swooned at his subtle arrogance and cursed herself for her own tight-wound nature. Whenever she encountered him, her hair fell instantly and her mood lightened. Jim was no worse for the wear—quite the opposite. His time away from her crawled. Though he was young and had a life of freedom ahead, he made no attempts to avoid her capture. Once bound, the two were inspirable, and to outsiders, insufferable. It wasn’t more than a few months after graduation their union was complete. It was natural and without reservation.

But that life was no more. It was nearing a decade since their first kiss, and they were now mired in a reality that smothered them both. Jim arrived, and with no haste whatsoever made his way up the drive to her. Renee looked at him and watched his grimace morph into an awkward, flat smile. It wasn’t the blissful, flamboyant, almost arrogant smile that to her was all but contagious. Early on, there wasn’t a corner she could turn that was absent from it. Wherever he went, that smile led the way. Though cloudy, her memory served up a glimpse of that once great man. That Jim was strong, confident, and able to command all of her attention. Had she not recognized her emotions as love, Renee would have mistaken it for a curse. It was always pleasure in his presence, and pangs returned in his absence. She glared at him—not unpleasantly, but steady. The snapshot reappeared and she could again hazily see that handsome young man that once held her fancy. But that ended as quick as it came. She sighed while her vision cleared and reality bought her back to attention.  Now, he was hardened and appeared weary. And the strength of his once devilish smile had withered. He wore a permanent scowl that even at the best of times could not be removed. She rushed into his frail arms, squeezing his seemingly emaciated frame tightly, but only felt the slightest clutch returned—she could tell he had been drinking—his hands trembled as his fingers touched the small of her back. She was correct—both about the drinking and reality. It was painfully evident that this hauntingly tepid figure had replaced the man she once loved.

Renee escorted him into a brooding silence. Quietly she escorted him to the guest room facing the backyard pool. He jumped as the door snapped behind him. Jim’s eyes closed for the moment as he remembered how often he used to hear it crash against the jamb. The reclaimed silence appeared as the door rested—it was maddening. Scanning the house, he could see the back yard was somewhat in disarray—the pool was now covered and fenced. “New fence”, he uttered to himself. But with the silence they shared, it sounded as though a bomb exploded in the room. He could see that she was instantly irked by his words. “Better late than never”, he whispered so as not to send her into a rage. He wanted nothing more than a pleasant visit, and held his position until the tension subsided. She collected herself and parted.

Later that night, at the dinner table, she ambitiously reached across to grasp his hand and he lightly pulled back, not hastily, but abruptly enough for him to reestablish the distance that he put between them. Over the years, she had made attempts, but each time he showed no sign of submission to her advances. There was no need to pretend that there was the slightest chance at romance. Those times were buried long ago. But still, she couldn't help but reminisce about their dinners together—they too often ended with romance. Her head raced. How could these two people be the same ones who lived in perpetual awe of each other? She supposed that by now they would have a couple of children, the completed addition to the house, and a collection of new experiences covering the walls and filling her memory. 

They both retired to their separate quarters. Staring blankly at the wall, Jim sat alone in his bed revisiting his thoughts for the day. But what was to come tomorrow haunted his night. His mind tore at itself. A river of emotion roared inside him, but as the thoughts receded, the tributaries formed, and only channeled bile—absent of all value. Renee’s night presented its own challenges. Pooled in sweat, she tussled about, thinking again about the times they spent together, and how there was no one else who could bring her both peace and passion as he did. Her tears darkened a trail on her pillowcase that watered her self loathing. Vindictively, she wished he felt the same. She pretended that if he could feel the pain of wanting as she did, the pleasure would be all hers. But she knew better. The only thing that could quell her sadness was his happiness. Whether she was in his life or not, she wished him nothing but joy. She knew the thoughts were fruitless and wrong, but at this time, whatever peace could be had was welcomed. 

They both rose with the sun and were grateful the night had passed. After offering each other a subtle morning pleasantry, they sat idly across from each other. The smell of bacon and eggs filled his senses and Jim felt it necessary to express his gratitude, pretending it was his favorite and hoping to not further upset her. She knew he was insincere. He could have just as well cursed at her, it meant nothing anymore. But with a nod, she affirmed his compliments. Not that it mattered, he had already focused on the face of his watch to avoid confrontation. The forks clanked and as they shared a gaze, she knew he longed to be with someone else. She could feel his eyes focused well beyond herself. What they had together ended six years ago, and she knew there was to be no returning to a place that no longer existed. After all of the courting, romantic gestures, rendezvous, and planning a life together, all was lost.

They loaded into the sedan and headed away from their once happy home. The tires on the gravel rumbled, but an unnerving aura filled the uncomfortable silence they shared. After about thirty minutes of driving in the unbearable plume of toxic silence, they pulled to the side of the road and exited the car. After a short stroll to the back of the glen, they arrived at a familiar spot that they had visited many times before, but only once together. Renee reached out and grabbed Jim's hand. But this time he was receptive. It was the old way. Their two palms met and the tightness and familiarity of his grip reminded her that they were once inseparable. That man, that guy, it was him. Dammit, she thought to herself! She felt as if he could hold her whole self in that familiar hand. She clutched his back tightly. Jim spun her close and clung to her tightly as ever. His hands crossed each other at her back and she buried her head into his chest. He trembled. Not from his drinking this time, but from his pain. While embraced, Jim and Renee both sobbed uncontrollably, and the only words shakily spoken during their embrace, “He would have been eight years old today”.