Pain

The rain poured all around us thunder crackled and the lightning illuminated the sky. We stood under the roof on the porch her words echoing inside my mind I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I tried to reach out for her but she pulled away. “I hope we can still be friends.” friends, friends. Ricocheting around in my mind. She pulled up her raincoat and ran back into the darkening sky to find her car waiting for her. And then she was gone. Gone, gone. And I was alone. I stepped out into the rain, the rain soaked my clothes, their weight dragging me down. To my knees. “No..” I whispered. I spun around in a circle hoping that she would be there in front of me telling me I was just in my head. Laughing at me for spacing out, telling me that none of that actually happened. And I wouldn't be alone. Alone alone. The words surrounded me and kept pulling me, pulling me down under. I just wanted to open my eyes and find something different besides reality. But this wasn't a dream. This was real and it's not like you can just wake up.

I blinked my eyes at the world opening up around me. Wood surrounded me on every side. I was laying on the ground clutching an old weathered bunny. Holding that bunny took me back to when I was six, her arm around my smiling a slightly toothless smile. "I got this bunny for you," she told me smiling. "I have one too so we can be matching."

“Stupid bunny!” I shouted I reached out for anything, anything at all It didn't really matter I fumbled around until my hands clasped onto a stick, and then I shoved it through that bunny’s head. But that bunny kept on smiling like even a stick through its head it wouldn't stop him from being cheerful. “ARGH!” I screamed, throwing it out the window.

Everything about this treehouse reminds me of her. All the pictures on the wall as we grew up side by side. The first day of Kindergarten, fifth-grade graduation. First day of high school. Photos from beaches, parks, lakes anywhere and everywhere because whenever she was, I was.

Even the small things reminded me of her, the chair in the corner that everyone knew was hers, random headbands and scrunchies she had forgotten to take home. Art projects we had made, our name painted on the wall in big letters surrounded by our handprints from over the years. She was the one who helped make the treehouse after I convinced my parents to help us make it. It was her idea in the first place. Everything made me think of her.

I growled under my breath, tearing each and every photo from off the wall and shoving them under the floorboards. Down came the paintings, out the window went her hair bands and her scrunchies out the window went her chair, down down down to the forest below. Out the window went everything that reminded me of her. And what she did to me. I looked around the room, my eyes blurry. The room was empty without her like without her I was empty, lost. Nothing. The paint on the wall taunted me Bria and Ember forever. Like forever was just a word, not a promise. There was a can of paint in the corner. We thought it was time for a 'treehouse makeover' as Bria called it. Red we had decided there was something about red. I took the paintbrush and dipped it hastily in the paint, smearing it recklessly over each handprint over and over again. The trace of her in my life must be gone. I stood on the tiny table and painted over her name and then mine until all that was left was the forever dripping in red paint.

“Em?” Someone called from below. “Yeah?” I asked. I wiped my face, smearing the tears on my cheek. It's not like she could know I cried, it's not like I was allowed to show weakness and pretend I'm a human with actual feelings. Just put on a smile and say you're fine. And if you're convincing enough, everyone will believe you.

I heard rustling as they climbed up the ladder and then unlocked the trap door. “Hey girl!” Julie called, pulling herself up.

“What happened here?” She asked looking around the room, the dripping red paint starting to drip onto the floor.

“I repainted,” I said casually.

“And girl what happened to you?” 

I dusted myself off self consciously. My clothes were damp and covered in dirt. There were sticks and pieces of moss in my hair and I had splinters in my hands. Mascara dripped down my face and there were shadows under my eyes.

“My brothers wanted me to act like a zombie in another one of their mini-movies.” I lied because what was I if I wasn't perfect all the time?

“Figures. Hey, sorry I'm late but it's time to go, looks like we won't have time to talk, my bad.”

“Go where…?” It was too early and my mind was too scrambled to think about anything except.. Her.

“To hang with everyone else? Downtown?”

Everything came back to me, all my plans, broken plans. I was going to ask Bria out and then have Julie come over so I could rant about it to her and then later we'd hang out with our friends and Bria and I could come out to all of them and tell them we were dating. It would have been perfect.

Perfect, perfect. The word bounced around in my head. I guess I never thought what would have happened if Bria didn't want me, I guess I thought I had been rejected enough times already and that it might actually go right this time.

But I guess I was wrong. 

“Girl? Are you listening? What is up with you today?” Julie stared at me in concern. “Oh nothing, nothing, just tired, went to bed really late last night.”

“Up reading one of your cheesy romances?”

“I guess.”

“Here, spit on this napkin and rub the makeup off your face and I'll brush your hair, you won't have time to change because we don't want to be too late.”

I took the napkin and rubbed my teary makeup off my face. If I smiled enough times those circles under my eyes would go away, if you pretend enough it starts to become reality.

“Hey, guys,” Julie called, waving at our group of friends huddled around the water fountain in the middle of town. All of them were whispering which wasn't unusual for our group but they were staring directly at me and Bria.. Bria was there. Her long amber hair flawlessly covered her shoulders like a shawl. She wore a tank top exposing her shoulders and short cutoff jeans. Everything about her screamed gorgeous. She caught my eyes but quickly looked away and something flashed quickly and it looked like guilt.

Bria wouldn't have told them would she? She still wanted to be friends and friends.. Wouldn't do that. I was just paranoid. Liam whispered something in Bria’s ear and her eyes went wide in fear. She shook her head and tried to grab his arm but he shook her off. “Sup Julie, hey Em.” He smirked.

I was just paranoid right, it's not like Bria would have told them, she may not like me but she's not an asshole.

He looked at me and smiled. “I.i.i. Uh.uh.uh. Will. w.. will  you.. Uh.. go.. Out.. with me.. me?”  He stuttered.  A couple people in our group snickered. I looked at Bria but she just looked away.

“Did you seriously think she would go out with you? Do you think she was gay or something?” He smirked.

I bit my lip.

“We all know she had a thing for Noah back in eighth grade.”

There's such a thing as being bi you asshole. I wanted to scream but bound to an oath of secrecy it's not like I could just tell him. But Bria obviously didn't stay true to her oath.

“Oh, so this is how it's going to be?” I said coldly looking at Bria. “After everything, everything! You're just going to go and out me, huh?”

“It just slipped out.” She said guiltily.

“Well, at least I'm not afraid of my sexuality,” I said looking her dead in the eyes. She stared at me in disbelief, fury in her eyes. She stood up and came to face me.

“I am not afraid of my sexuality.” She hissed.

“Uh-huh, of course, you're not, then how many of these people have you told?” I asked. She stayed silent. “Have you told your parents? Your mom, your dad? Even just one of your siblings.”

“I told my counselor.”

“Oh wow good job, you told the one person who was actually paid to accept you, how bold, how risky.”

“I wasn't ready.”

“Oh, so you're not ready to tell them about who you are so you go and tell them everything about me.”

Bria stared angrily at me. “You're just pissed because I don't want to go out with you.”

“Ohhh burned,” Liam called.

I crossed my arms. “You should be lucky that someone wants to go out with you. How many people would still want to go out with you if they knew you only stopped wetting the bed last year? Or that fact that your bras are insanely padded because you have small ass boobs the size of golf balls and that's why you change in a stall during p.e. So go and reject me all you want because at least I'm not you.”

I flipped her off with my shiny black nails and walked away. Everyone stared at me dumbfounded because it's not like the teacher's pet, straight a student perfect barbie has actual emotions.

It's not like she feels pain.