Goodbye yes Girl

Goodbye yes Girl 

Hi, my name is Pam, as a person whose Zodiac sign is Gemini which means in the English language form of “It takes two to tango” which means we come in twins. Most people think of it as a Gemini that has two sides which is the nice and naughty side or as the girl with a double life which Is where I come from. You see by day I’m just Pam the girl who’s an online college student, who writes songs in her free time, and most importantly who puts everyone first before herself. At night as I get myself ready for bed that’s when the nightmares start happening. For the last fifteen years of my life, I’ve dealt with mental and verbal abuse from each of these characters whose names I won’t mention for safety purposes, but they know who they are. At the end of the day, I’m here to share my story with readers of all ages and to also let them know that “you’re never alone and that it’s never too late to ask for help. As of today, I’m no longer the yes girl, I’m now the one whose voice needed to be heard. 

When I was originally living In California life in Cali in my opinion was supposed to be the best time of my life where not only do we live in one of the states where it’s sunny most of the time, we’re known for great weather, great food and most importantly I’m from LA which is the city of live entertainment of both arts and music. Even though I was proud of living in one of the coolest states where you can do anything or be anything that you wanted to be, I on the other hand was thinking of ways for the nightmares to come to an end once and for all but most importantly I was looking for a way to heal again. This all started when I was around fourteen years old when I found myself living in a household where the moment you walk through the front door, all you see is a room filled with family pictures of the mother and the daughter. As you continue to step inside the house not only do you feel the presence of the queen’s domineering figure from the moment that she walks into the living room that’s when her hawk sense kicks in. 

Let me introduce you to everyone first things first ladies first, we have the mother/wife of the household. This woman isn’t just considered the decision maker however, she also sees herself as a perfectionist who loves to control her daughter and her husband's life. Moving on to the next character which is the daughter aka. “The actress” she’s not given this name because of her dramatic moments in real life she’s also a tween actress. When it comes to these women of the household there’s no such thing as a “peaceful Sunday.” Throughout the day or the night both the mother and daughter would pick with either the husband when he's at home to where the moment that someone screams in fury that’s when the cabinets open, plates and glasses fall out and hit the counters with force. Next, we have the husband who’s nicknamed the “Personal ATM” not only is he one of the most successful doctors in the world however but when it comes to him taking care of his patients from far and wide, he’s always been considered number one. When it comes to money, he’s known to splurge on anything and everything whenever it comes down to family outings, he expects everyone including myself to dress properly, have makeup on, and most importantly for everyone to have a good time. Then there’s me the “black sheep” and you’re probably asking yourself “why do you call yourself this?” I didn’t choose the name to begin with unfortunately that’s how I’m considered in everyone’s eyes. 

 At the age of fourteen, I didn’t have a social life, and the reason being is that everyone at my school or even in my neighborhood no one wanted to either talk to me or even let alone ask me to hang out with them. Mainly because everyone knew that behind closed doors our neighbors gave us the nickname the house “Keeping up with the Kardashians” or sometimes they call us the “Kardashians household.” During the day I’d look out the window and I’d see girls and boys on their bikes, talking and laughing while I’m stuck inside the house attending to the queen bee’s personal needs which considered me to be known as “the maid.” Every day she and her daughter would order me to do chores around the house and while I slaved away cleaning everything that needed to be done both ladies would splurge their money at Disneyland, dine in at the most expensive restaurants in our area, and lastly, at any given time they pamper themselves with shopping sprees. I for one never received a please and thank you as they go out and have fun living their lives and as I have gotten older throughout the years, I’ve learned a lot of lessons just from living in that house alone which is sad that I had to learn at a young age to always remember to stay alive.

Lesson number one is when you think of the word “family” this isn’t the definition of one that’s for sure. When you think of the word you normally see both parents working and on weekends, they’d take their kids out to any type of family outing such as the Zoo or amusement parks of their choice. In this day of age, that type of lifestyle isn’t alive and vibrant as it once was. Lesson number two, “always obey the queen at all times” when it came to the wife of the household, she’d constantly put me down with verbal and mental abuse if something wasn’t done right. The moment that you hear here footsteps around the house that’s the moment that you as a person continue with, what you’re doing and make sure that your task is done right. Just a disclaimer living in that house for me was like living in a prison cell where you only were afraid and the feeling of being careful as your only two weapons of surviving. 

Once I completed everything and if no one was at the house that’s when I enjoyed the quiet times myself where I cuddled myself in my blanket and cry for hours on end. When it came to sleepless nights that’s when the nightmares started to produce as I was about to slowly close my eyes that’s when I hear constant screaming of strangers whom I’d never met a day in my life. When it came down to me living in this world I'd never wanted to come down to the point of my life where I'd want to commit myself to self-harm but unfortunately those moments did stand upon me. It breaks my heart for me to want to end my life at a young age but in all honesty with all of the pain and the hatred that I've dealt with I felt alone. I felt like if I stood up for myself for once I was gonna get another session of yelling. Now as a young adult as I look back down memory lane, I’d say that moving out of California and getting away from that toxic environment was one of the best decisions that I’ve ever made.

As we look at the way of life and with the saying “everything happens for a reason.” When it came down to me going through these experiences it was a constant battle throughout the years.” One of the things that I’ve learned from being in my 20s is that when it comes to the challenges that we face in life reflect us from being the person that we’d want to be. To everyone and anyone reading this story I just wanted to say this from the bottom of my heart, “No matter how old you get in life it’s never too late to go ahead and continue with your life.” We can never control our past since it’s been done and dealt with however when it comes to our future now that’s a different story. We have so many hopes and dreams that we’d hope to live up to and achieve and the only person who’s stopping us from achieving those goals is the person standing in front of us which is fear.

When it comes to learning from our past, the number one thing we’d take from our past is that our past, including mine, made me stronger in the end Remember this, I can finally say that within the last 15 years of my life I’m now a stronger human being. In the past, I was once known as the “Yes girl” the one who’d always had to obey the rules but now I’ve finally found a voice. A voice where I’m now starting to feel comfortable in my skin. Thank you to everyone who’s reading this. remember this “ You’re not just a warrior, you’re also the star of becoming something more.”