Seahawk

At the same time that the sea breeze hit me I saw the mountain goats on the cliff side. I stopped walking. Sand slid into my deck shoes and formed under the arch of my foot. They stood still with heads pointing toward me. I was the only moving animal that I could see on this side of the ravine.

Everything was right. Just over the dune the sun was setting. I began walking again but the goats stayed still with tiny hoofs that held onto invisible platforms on the straight sheer drop of the small hillside. My attention went to my footsteps on the steep slant of the dune, looking up from time to time at the tufts of tall grasses waving softly from the sun set breeze. The ocean was just over the uneven edge not far above me. The sky was a light lavender with no clouds visible. The sea smelled of salt and sounded with swishes.

When my head gained the top and I looked out where there was a very slightly curved horizon that stretched from as far as I could see to the left and right. It was a grey green sea with wavelets that had no breaks of white just rounded soft rollings that showed it was alive. I was smiling and felt welcomed. I thought of the acid in my shirt pocket and put my thumb through my backpack strap.

The edge of the sand dune was not sharp and just flattened out a bit then descended to the beach. I slid down almost filling my shoes with sand. At the bottom was soft sand turning pearl in the fading light. I emptied my shoes and carried them toward the edge of sea just where the water made it to disappear into the sand. A rolling edge of water in little joined bubbles and swishes. I looked in both directions for a place to set up. I needed clear space that I could see all around without being nervous about anything that might want to hunt me. Where I was was almost perfect. It was high tide so I just needed to walk back along my foot falls, set my pack down, get the red strips of cloth out and look for some sticks. There was driftwood all along the tides edge and I found what I needed and pushed the six stakes in a circular pattern and built a small fire in the middle. I tied the red material to each stake.

The sun set. the swish grew louder. I was alone.

Looking out at the fading horizon with a still cold beer flowing down my throat I felt good. The fire was crackling and the smoke disappeared up into the darkness of night and the air was just cool without any sign of a chill. Stillness with a swish. I turned from the fire to see the moon rise as a shy sliver with a feint halo.

Full of confidence it was time to ask myself the question that I had come out here for. I looked up at the stars, spotted Orion and smiled at him.

I spoke loudly but not shouting, “Should I stay in this relationship or am I missing an opportunity to assist this world?”

The scream scared my eyeballs wide. My head automatically turned toward the sand dune lit orange by the fire. At the top the sand shifted in one spot but I could not see what made it shift. The scream was not human and had a howl to it that made it catlike. I had seen a Wildcat a week before near the road but this sound seemed like nothing a Wildcat would produce. It was more in that realm of a mountain lion. I had seen a mountain lion once before in Big Sur and it had seen me but just moved on. 

There was no further scream and the sand dune stayed still. I wished whatever it was away and went back to meditating on my question and looking at the fire. I reached in my shirt pocket and took out the little plastic bag, unfolded it and carefully reached in with my index finger and thumb to retrieve the tiny square of University of California produced lysergic acid. It was cellophane looking and a little pinkish in the firelight. I placed it on my tongue and felt it dissolving. I got up and walked along the tide line toward the rising moon.

The tide line turned purple, then started weaving in and out like a snake. Then it became a snake, very big snake with stripes of glowing reds and yellows moving with it going ahead of me or maybe just looking like it was going ahead. That wasn’t important. The snake wasn’t important, nor the shooting stars that framed the sky and flew upwards away from an invisible horizon. I was sitting at the fire thinking that I hadn’t returned to the fire yet but I was there. It wasn’t important.

I looked at each of the sticks waving the red pieces in the slight trickling breeze that I did not feel but the little red flags were waving to me, so I smiled and waved back. I remembered to look at my watch. Why did I think I remembered I could not figure out but it was already a little past midnight which had to be wrong. The arms peeled upward from the watch with dangerous arrowheads coming toward my eyes so I stopped looking at my watch and wondered at the women dancing in flames of my still burning fire. Had I put more firewood on it? I knew I had to stay within the boundaries of my flags for protection from something that didn’t seem important. 

The question came to mind and it seemed very very unimportant as though I knew the answer before even showing up here. I knew there would be sailing to green places with dark sands and that I would anchor near one of the protecting dragons who were out there in the dark waters around me now. I looked back at the women in the flames who seemed to be undulating and singing soundless songs and thought of Odysseus and the Sirens.

Adventure was the word I thought of and thought about and saw in the flames. I was laying down with the sand greeting me like an old friend. Sand caressed my face and arms and got into my trousers. I stood up and walked out of the protection and with my first step out the scream howled again and I looked up the dune to see a black panther with blazing green eyes. I picked up a long stick like a spear and walked toward the panther. At the base of the dune the panther turned and disappeared down the other side. I ran up the dune with my spear ready and at the top I saw nothing but darkness. I turned and was sitting at my protected spot with the dancing women all gone and the fire dying out. All around me were climbing things swirling upward and I was within the swirl seeing lights that forms were holding and then a rush of water cascaded down on me and a voice called to me but I could not distinguish the words or language. A Seahawk flew alongside me as I twirled upward.

The water moved my body and the sand entered my mouth and I stood up to walk back to my spot. I put some of the last wood on the fire and I was comfortable again and wanting the acid to stop. I willed it to stop until I woke up and the sun was rising right near where the moon had risen before. I felt dirty but comfortable. I heard a cawing and saw a Seahawk flying out toward the horizon.