Nobody To Hold

“I’ll always be right next to you.”

She could see her breaths in puffs in front of her, one of the few things that were visible in the dark. Closing her eyes, she sniffled, making a face of discomfort. No, worse than that. One of loss and sorrow.

Trying to hold back the tears, she opened her eyes, looking for something. For someone. Anything. A light in the darkness, a snowflake in the barren land, a hand to hold, a fire to sit next to. Instead, all she found was the chilling cold surrounded by darkness inside and out. 

“Don’t let go.”

Feeling her legs trembling in the kneeling position she was in, she tried to stand up. She had to keep going, even if it hurt.

“I will never, ever let go.”

The moment she got to her feet she buckled, going tumbling into the rough ground with snow barely seeable. The cold substance pressed against her face as she lay there, the pain she felt on the outside nothing compared to how she was inside.

Too weak to stand up, all she could do was roll over so that her back was in the snow and she was looking at the sky.

She whimpered, feeling blood roll down her cheek. She supposed that when she fell, she landed on her nose, harming it. Not that she could really feel it anymore.

It made breathing hard. The liquid was warm, a feeling that was soon becoming odd, but it was also suffocating. She tried to shake her head and clear her nose, but her neck was too stiff. Giving up, she resorted to breathing through her mouth, the breaths coming out in whiffs.

“I’ll be there at all times.”

Trying to lift her arms, they fell limply to her side, numb from the temperature. Her legs had already failed her and now she could no longer move those as well. 

Giving up on trying to move or get out of this place, she set her eyes to the sky. Letting out a breath, she gazed at one of the few things of beauty left.

The moon shone brightly yet was dull at the same time. Her only source of light was strong, and for a moment she felt all the light around her. A moment of peace and she inhaled, enjoying it. However, it vanished almost as quickly as it came, a cloud covering up the moon. Any sort of warmth she had felt disappeared, leaving the aching feeling that slowly turned to a dull numbness.

It reminded her of a time. Sitting under the sky, the darkness like a warm blanket at the time. Someone sitting next to her, placing an arm around her shoulder. 

“Looking at the stars again, are we?” 

Staring at the stars, a lone tear escaped her eye. A sob wrenched itself from her throat, causing her body to heave. The warm blood stained her ripped shirt, flowing down her neck as well. 

“Not even the moon can compare to you.”

Was this how it ended? Stranded in this barren, cold land, weak and lost, no hope? No fire? Nobody to hold?

A hand in her own. Soft whispers in her ear. A warmth like no other.

The tear trailed down her face, leaving a small feeling of more cold. It slipped down her neck, merging with the blood before falling onto the snow below her. Soon more tears began to escape, following its path or creating their own. The wet marks chilled her skin even more, making the cold stinging.

A soft laugh. Warm eyes looking into hers. A smile brighter than the sun. A hand. A hand holding her own. 

This hopeless feeling in her body. The sinking pit she felt in her chest. It was so dark and drowning--Suffocating. Was it only in her mind? Where was this pain coming from? Was it really there? Or had her exhaustion and lack of everything finally gotten to her?

Her skin was tingling–probably not a good sign. But there wasn’t much feeling left anymore anyway. She could barely twitch her fingers, her legs had given out on her earlier, and her face was numb. It hurt yet it didn’t.

“The stars really are beautiful, aren’t they?”

Exhaling once more, she focused on the sky. It was useless trying to stop the blood or tears. The moon and stars were her only solace. Perhaps they could even give her comfort. 

The stars twinkled above her, fading in and out of sight. They were soft. Filled the sky with light and made it more beautiful. It was almost as if they were twirling, spinning, adding color to the sky…Or maybe she was becoming delusional. 

She breathed out, remembering. 

Murmuring to herself, “Yes…Yes they are.”

Somehow, they almost filled her with warmth, only to fade. Going in and out of sight. Almost as if they were taunting her. Giving her false hope. Was everything against her? Was it a sign that it was over? That this would be the last place she would lay? All alone? 

Was it so bad to just want even someone to lie next to her? To wrap their arms around her? Was that so much to ask? She would have been fine then, if only someone would be with her in these moments. Instead she was all alone. Nobody to hold. Nobody to hold her.

You said you would never let go.

This was really it, wasn't it?

The cold. The stars. The moon. The snow. Would they be the only things around her?

So where are you now?

She closed her eyes, the cold overwhelming. Guess this was indeed how it ended.

The cold faded into warmth momentarily, giving her peace. The darkness soon became comforting. It felt like someone was embracing her. Like their arms were wrapped around her.

It was nice and warm. Perhaps now she could rest.

“When you look at the stars, remember me. I’m always there, even if you can’t see me.”