They Would Be Alright!

(You thought she was dead, but there she is, right in front of you on the street, smiling at you.)

Waking slowly he pushed at the edges of sleep wishing he could sink back down into the nothingness. He reached out as he did each morning to feel the warmness of his wife beside him.  His confused emotions almost sent him back under the blankets to search again for sleep, part of him just wished for it all to be over but he knew he must get up and get them moving.

Groaning softly, trying to hide the pain and stiffness he felt, he finally sat on the edge of the bed and then stood. Damn legs, damn back, damn hip, his morning mantra, somehow he felt it helped to name those afflicted parts. A hot shower would make it possible to get on with his day. Dressing as he always did with care, he stood in front of the mirror trying to stand as straight as he could. Push and relax, push and relax....hurt and ease, hurt and ease.try to straighten his spine and shoulders. ?He knew it helped, it was about all he could do.

In the kitchen, the morning sun was creating bright pools of light that seemed to be dancing as the trees and branches moved outside the window. He wished his wife was here to see it, it was small things like this they often shared in the past. He knew she would sleep all day if he did not wake her so he finished making the coffee and went in to begin another pointless day.

Opening the drapes the room brightened and his wife stirred making little kitten like sounds as she woke from whatever dream was in her head. He will never know her thoughts or dreams anymore as she cannot seem to say much at all but her smile remains true. 

“Good morning my bride, and how was your sleep?” “Come on now, upsi daisy, slippers, robe and I will show you how the trees dance in the sunlight”. Making their way slowly to the bathroom, he helps her there too as he knows he must. Each day very much the same, one after the other broken only by the visiting nurse twice a week.

As they sit with their breakfast coffee, he sees she seems happy today and he remembers fleeting moments from their life, how she tilted her head back when she laughed or how the color would come up on her cheeks if she was embarrassed. Some days now she cries for no reason, or perhaps she has a reason but it is all locked up inside like everything else. He knew that it was his place, his job to make her comfortable, to keep her safe and he thanked God that he still had a reason for being. Bringing a warm basin of water from the sink, he gently washed her face and hands, ran his fingers through her hair to straighten it and began the slow process of getting her dressed and settled for the day.  Yes today was a good day, they would be alright.

Adjusting the tv and vcr to run the same programs she liked, he watched for her reactions, she could still register displeasure if he did not guess right. When she was all settled he would bring her a second coffee and then do a bit of straightening, make the bed, and do the dusting, always dusting to do. He paused again to look at her, so many years, loving and good years. He must stay well and strong. They must stay together. As he was about to get to the breakfast dishes, he looked again toward her. She was watching him, not the tv and she said, “I like it when you make me laugh” such a simple sentence and for no good reason but it may be all she would say this day. Yes today was a good day and yes, they would be alright.

Late afternoon found him at the small desk in the corner paying bills and wondering about a rumored raise in the rent. It was an interesting juggling act each month getting everything paid. In the background, the tv with his wife napping on and off as he worked.   

They had been in this apartment for quite a number of years and it suited them. Thinking back to their first apartment made him smile, a one bedroom over a drugstore on the corner of two busy streets but they didn’t mind or didn’t hear the traffic. They were so very young, the bus stop right there on the corner, often running out at the last minute to catch the bus. He again smiled to think of himself running at all, sometimes half of his breakfast still in his hand and always a quick look back to that upper window where he knew she would be waving goodbye. A few quick blinks and a little nervous cough brought him back from those vivid memories. He turned to check if she needed anything and studied her for a few minutes wondering if in her silence, she also had flashes of moments of their lives.  

Glad the desk work was done, he was ready for his favorite part of the day. Stretching out on the bed for an hour of shuteye would give him the energy for preparing dinner and getting her to eat something nutritious. As he lay thinking about today’s dinner he remembered some of the parties and cookouts, how much fun his beautiful wife had been, their free spirit adventures. Life was really pretty good if you stop to think, they were together and had raised two daughters and had grandkids and now great grandkids, yes life is good. He thought to get up and put his shoes back on, but just another minute or two for his legs to rest. He wanted to get the meal done a bit early as the Yankees had a game and it was one of his remaining joys.   

Dinner used to be an enjoyable time, coming together at the end of the day, hungry to share food and moments of their day, stories seen or heard, gossip about friends and making plans for the next day. Now it was quiet, neither had much appetite, it was not easy to cook for two, well really one and a half as she ate so little.  

He often told funny stories or jokes to keep her engaged so she would eat more. It rarely worked but he must try everything to get food into her. He was not strong enough to pick her up if she fell so she needed to be strong too. Once again his mind goes to the future, but he quickly stops himself, it will be ok, they will be ok.  He shakes his head, can’t go being negative, that helps no one. It scares him to think much beyond each day. They are doing fine. She smiles often in a contented way, he loves that, and he loves being here with her, of course, how else? Today was a good day, and they would be alright.

Evenings often seemed long with the time passing slowly, but tonight she would enjoy a favorite music program and he would have the Yankees. He got her settled again covering her legs with a small blanket she had hand crocheted many years ago. She took his hand and held on not letting go. Smiling he sat next to her, she did not seem to need anything, she just wanted closeness. Soon she would let go and look again to the tv, it was often this way and he too enjoyed the moments they now shared, it was next to nothing but it was still something.  

He went to watching his ballgame but one eye always in her direction. The music seemed to delight her and small flutters of her hands and her smile made her beautiful to him again. He longed for the days when he would gather her in his arms, holding her close but she no longer liked to be held closely, preferring instead to hold his hand.   

Tonight he would try to get her to bed early, again washing her and helping her dress for bed. Tomorrow the visiting nurses staff would visit to assist with a bath and shampoo, always so upsetting but necessary, so a good rest tonight was important.    

Bringing her a glass of juice and quieting the tv, he talks to her about family and friends, he asks about the music , he talks to comfort her. He knows all the little ways that work, calming and pleasant and soon they are up and moving again to the bathroom and then bed.  

Thinking that it was a day of no tears and he recalls four smiles, he is very pleased, he will rest well tonight too. Laying in the darkness, moments of the day pass in his mind like images on a screen, he is happy and he is content. Each day the same and yet so very unpredictable. Yes, today was a good day, and they would be alright.

As the glow of morning light began to show on the window, he stretched out his hand to search for her warmth. He knew immediately she was there but not there! He was frozen in place, his hand holding her cold hand. He should not have slept, he should have been more watchful.

Without any consideration for his own stiffness or pain, he hurriedly dressed, called the visiting nurse and the proper folks to call. He sits at the table waiting, for what he is not sure, his job is done!

~~~~~

It has been three weeks since the active time of family and services and reasons to get up each day but he knows he must care for himself now, she would want that.  

Days pass, meager food, short walks in the park, gathering the mail for a housebound neighbor. All very predictable. But many times each day are like the days when she was still with him. He reaches out for her in the mornings, he talks to her about the world and the squirrels and flowers and the lonely nights come too.

Occasionally, not too often, but occasionally he dreams of them, young and free, and sometimes like last night, his dreams are so real he can smell flowers and taste her lips and feel her with him.

Last night he dreamed he was walking in the park, along the trail by the lake where they often fed the ducks, she was standing on the trail facing him. She was reaching out! She waved for him to hurry, come on, we must go now!

And he went...he knew she was dead, but her smile was so vibrant and loving….yes he went…

And now, he will never have to get up alone again!