'Til Death Do Us Part?

Somehow, I had settled on marrying a narcissist. It didn’t quite resonate with me until I studied at university and read about behaviours in humans. The similarities I noticed between my husband and the sociological outlook of a narcissist fascinated me. 

Physically and emotionally, he’s comfortable with me, but he checked out a long time ago. I see, hear, and feel it with everything he does. It’s a level of comfort he’s reached with me. Regardless of the circumstances, I am as dependable as a rock in his life. 

He’s got me by the everyday responsibilities of a mate. I’m a cooker, cleaner, and childminder, none of which is paid. While I help him appear a non-narcissist in marriage and long-term stable partner routines, I play his victim, which for him is the most oversized ticket item that he gets out of our union.

He doesn’t love me; his treatment of me demonstrates that point daily in our lives. His abuse runs deep, affecting me emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically. All the opposite of love. However, I get it. I am in it for love, and as it no longer blinds me, I tolerate far more than I should, and the narcissist is aware of my determination to stick it out with him.

I know I must take back my power, self-aggrandizement, and respect for myself that he’s ripped from me over the past twenty years so that I will understand why I stayed and realize why it’s time for me to go.

I think the most common scenario is his comparing me unfavourably to a third party so that I can feel insecure, and then he can exploit my insecurities.

He started a fight over an ex-girlfriend years ago. Then he brings up one of his ex-girlfriends. He does this for various reasons, including instilling a sense of insecurity in me, elevating his fragile ego, and informing me that another individual is waiting, thereby preventing me from neglecting your responsibilities of catering to his every whim.

I'm sure I already know I should be out of contact with him by now, but this should drive that point home.

Nothing with a narcissist ever ends well. I've never heard of one single scenario where the situation worked out. Unless, of course, I’d be okay with joining the Herpes Express and sharing them with whoever happens to walk by and catch their eye.

And it will only go downhill from there.

Eventually, he will become so disgusted with me for tolerating it that he will escalate the level of torture he’s already subjected me to until I snap.

Being around a narcissist makes the partner lose confidence and courage, and I feel nervous or even scared.

I never knew what he would do next. I didn’t know what might happen at any time or every five minutes. His standards and behaviour dropped dramatically quickly, and his mask slipped away for more extended periods of time.

As my narcissist, he would do something reprehensible and forbidden to gain attention and gain an advantage over me.

However, knowing there was a way to turn the situation around and gain an advantage, I was ready for the challenge. Setting out to beat my narcissist seemed scary, terrifying, and intimidating, but in reality, he was a very insecure, fragile, and oversensitive creature built on a sense of shame. Everything he did was to avoid responsibility, feel shame, and not think about what he had done. Nothing scares a narcissist more than shame and being exposed.

I started by getting him to panic by talking about what he does, pointing out his faults and mistakes, mentioning how his story made no sense, and pointing out its many inaccuracies. I followed it up, saying, “You get lost in your lies. And I don’t believe a word you say—you're a pathological liar”—and backed it up with undeniable evidence.

Which he did not agree with, but it caused him to panic. Because the narcissist knows that what he is saying is stupid and untrue when I talk about it, I expose him, and I show him that I know who he really is.

Nothing scared him more than being exposed to harmful and dangerous things he had said and done, especially when they involved his more embarrassing and detrimental behaviour and his secrets being revealed. He needed control over other people’s perceptions, how they perceived him, and what they thought of him.

He achieves what others think of him through manipulation, but if he feels that he cannot manipulate someone’s perception or point of view, he panics.

Panic settles inside him when someone confident in themselves and their worth steps into his life. A narcissist panics around anyone who respects and accepts themselves and anyone who has a robust and unwavering opinion of themselves. He also panics around anyone happy and satisfied with their life, especially those who have power and are in control. He can’t be around authentic people with character and firm boundaries because the narcissist cannot manipulate or control that person.

Then he can’t control how I see myself, how I see others, or how I see him, and all of this creates anxiety and instability for him because he has no power and no control; he is in a disadvantageous and unfavourable position.

He had to feel that he had power and control because only then could he feel stable, and only then could he feel safe. His attempt to keep me in a state of threat, fear, shame, and the danger of loss. But the more sure I became of my self-worth, the more he couldn’t bring me to such a state that he wouldn’t be successful, and the more leverage I had against his tactics.

His feeble attempt to make me lose myself and my identity so that you will be afraid of losing him.

As long as I stuck to my identity, I wouldn’t fear losing him. This, in turn, triggered his problems and fears of abandonment and rejection, which caused him to panic.

I remained calm and avoided emotional reactions such as surprise, nervousness, or worry. Since I knew it only fueled what he said or did, he’d try to provoke me through threats and intimidation. He used various types of direct and indirect threats, but if he couldn’t upset, worry, or irritate me, if he couldn’t lead to extreme emotions or arguments, this would give you an advantage over him and cause him to panic. 

As long as I responded to his narcissistic behaviours, he’d feel comfortable, powerful, and in control. I checked my emotions, so he’d lost power over me. I stopped seeing him as an authority. 

I let him know he could never reach me again. His influence and control over me, along with his manipulation, were over for good. He must know that he cannot get any reaction from you and will never gain fuel again. This time, I am the one who controls the shots, and I’m done putting up with it. He’s toast like the bread I put in my toaster each morning: burnt. 

It is not suitable for much, except for those who enjoy burnt toast for breakfast each morning.