Letters To Momma

1976: When I woke up the hot July morning after you left, I was angry. I hated you for leaving me behind. The words daddy said to me were unclear. I kicked him, you know that now, but do you know how much I hated him for letting you go? How angry I was with you both? There was no coming back from that kind of pain, that kind of grief.

September came, it was time to go back to school. I didn’t want to go, I cried myself to sleep the night before. I begged daddy not to make me go, I told him that people would laugh at me because you are gone. They also laughed at me because my hair was cut short, it’s almost exactly like yours, daddy made me get it cut, he said doesn’t know how to take care of a girls long hair.

1977: It’s a year later, I saw you on TV, you were singing a song on a show. You looked different, your hair was blonde. You looked happy. I was angrier still, you should have taken me with you Momma. Why didn’t you?

I wrote you a letter, sent it to the new name you use, Anne. I sent it to the TV show you were on. I hope you get it and write me back. I miss you Momma. There are things I should be learning from you that daddy’s new wife refuses to teach me. I wish you were here. I am not mad any more Momma, please come back for me. Please?

1979: It’s two years later, daddy got remarried. I hated you for letting him go free. I hated you for not coming back for me. I hated him for choosing someone new. I hated her too. She wore your clothes, she sat in your chair, used your jewelry.

That summer, she dug up your tulips from the yard and got rid of them. I hated her for that. I was so full of hate and grief. I tried to take myself out of this world, I was reckless, I was angry. I was grieving. No one ever talked to me about what I was feeling Momma, how am I supposed to process it all?

1980: Lena’s son raped me in the RV that he and his wife brought to our house. Her brother raped me over our visit for Christmas too. How do men do this to a young girl of 13 years? Daddy told me I was lying, he won’t protect me, I will have to be strong enough for myself. I hate him for not being a good protector. I will never let my kids be hurt like this. It feels terrible, I feel dirty. It had to be something I did, doesn’t it?

1981: Grandma comes to get me a lot when we have breaks from school. I can’t tell her what happened to me, she won’t love me anymore if she knows. I do like going to her house though, she makes me feel safe, loved. Why doesn’t daddy love me anymore, why don’t you?

1982: Momma, I understand now. Grandma told me everything. She told me how daddy was mean to you, how he never wanted me. Aunt Lydia told me that I am not his kid, now so much makes sense to me. I don’t understand why you didn’t fight harder to stay with me though. Was I not worth the fight? You don’t have to answer me, I know I am not.

1983: I have a boyfriend Momma, I think you would like him, his name is Wayne. He has the best smile I have ever seen! Daddy caught me trying to sneak out to run away with him. We were going to go back to his home in Ohio and get married. He’s the most handsome boy I have ever seen. I love him Momma, would you come back to see me get married? Daddy has forbidden me to see him again, but he knows how to be sneaky, he came to my window last night to kiss me goodnight.

1984: Wayne went back home to Ohio to live with his mom. He said he wouldn’t be back. Oh well, there are too many boys in the world to be sad over just one, but he could have been the one. Two more years and I am out of this shithole. I tried to cut my wrists so I could make the grandest exit from this place. Lena found me and got me to the hospital. She doesn’t know when to leave me the hell alone.

1985: The fighting in this house is getting to be too much. I get to drive the big green car some. When Lena lets me. I don’t understand why she gets a say in what I do, she isn’t my mother. The hate I feel for her and daddy outweighs anything else I have ever felt. I wish you’d hurry up and come back for me. They told me you died, but I don’t believe it. I saw you on TV. I am not as dumb as they think I am. The assholes.

1986: I graduated high school Momma. Barely but I pulled it off. Too many people bullied me, made me feel like I couldn’t be somebody of importance so I stopped trying.

1989: I had my first kid Momma, she’s a chubby little piece of Heaven, that’s her name, Heaven. If you’re up there, send me a sign. Send me a white butterfly, I’ll know it’s you.

1990: Wayne came back a while ago Momma, and now I have another baby. Her name is Angel. He’s gone now, he doesn’t know he has a daughter. I will find him some day and tell him. Now I have a piece of him with me always.

1995: I lost a baby Momma, it was Jose’s baby. He took me out in the parking lot at work and forced me to get in the car, he held a knife to my throat. Security was called, I was 8 months along and my Luna died before she got the chance to live. I am heartbroken.

1996: Grandpa died. Grandma is beside herself. I don’t know how she is holding it together as well as she is. I miss him a lot. I hate seeing her sad, the kids miss him too.

1997: It’s February and Robert and I are expecting a baby Momma. It’s a boy, his name is Jon Carlo. His 6 month gestation ultrasound picture shows how beautiful he is going to be.

Momma, Robert got angry with me, he hit me over and over in the stomach, I lost my baby boy. He’s gone Momma, why does everyone leave me?

2000: I have a beautiful baby girl Momma, Abundio and I have named her Annie. She’s perfect. I am angry and sad all of the time though. I tried to drive my car off of a cliff, not to hurt myself but to see how far it would fly before I crashed into the ground. The police stopped me before I could build up enough speed to fly though. I guess I am supposed to be here for a reason. What is it though?

2007: I lost Grandma. Momma, how do I keep going without the three of you? Grandma and Grandpa, you… it’s too hard. I want out.

2009: Life has sucked for me Momma, everyone leaves me. Even my kids have left me. I know I did good with them though, I raised them to be strong and independent. I hope I can do the same with Annie. I met someone, Momma. He’s a good man but he broke up with me three times before he decided I was the right one for him. I was in a bad car wreck and almost died, he found out and practically raced to my side to beg forgiveness. I forgave him. I am moving back home now. He’s kind and good.

2012: Angus and I got married, I had to ride in 42* weather on the back of his motorcycle to get married 2 hours away, but I did it. He’s wonderful. It took me so long to find him, I hope he stays forever.

Daddy died after Thanksgiving this year. I was so angry with him the first thing I thought was “at least he didn’t die on Thanksgiving so the holiday isn’t ruined.”

2018: Annie left home this year, Angus is still with me though. He is my rock. I miss you every day, I see you in the form of that white butterfly a lot in my yard. Thank you for visiting me when I feel the most sad.

2020: Covid has claimed Angus’s granny. She was the first one of his family to accept me and consider me one of them. I really loved her. I have 12 grand kids, Momma. One has your name, they all look like you in my eyes. My second oldest granddaughter has talents like mine, the oldest one has painting talents like grandma, the others are still young. The boys are tall and handsome. One of them is an angel with you, I hope he is entertaining you well Momma.

2023: Momma, I write books now. I wrote my first one that mirrored my life, I made it a fiction book though. Daddy would have hated it, Lena will if she ever finds out about it. I have other books now too. 6 more, in fact. I think you would be proud of me. I finally came into my own.

2025: I have lived more life than I got with you. I still talk to you every day, just like you were right next to me. I cry like a blubbering fool at the drop of a hat for your absence. I get it now though. You didn’t leave me without one hell of a fight, you couldn’t have known how profoundly you would be missed. Angus has stuck by me all this time, he just lost his dad. No one knows what it does to your soul when you lose a parent. I’ve lost both of mine now. I still haven’t been to daddy’s grave, it’s easier to pretend we are just having one epic fight than to accept that he is gone. I visit you often though. I have a chair in my trunk that I get out and sit by your headstone so we are both comfortable while we chat. This isn’t the end, but it’s all I have right now. Life has changed courses for me, it’s no longer something I want to get out of, it’s peaceful now. I have a purpose. I tell my stories and make the things with yarn. Just like you did.

Can you ever forgive me for being so angry Momma? I didn’t understand until recently, I do hope you can forgive me. I forgive myself for all the pain I have poured out on everyone else too. Forgiveness is a valuable thing when you have it.