A Little Alchemy

“So… are you coming?” I saw Josh text me. I had been dreading this question for the past week. Why? Because it was an invitation… to a party. Sure, I was 16… a sophomore… I’m supposed to be all “raging hormones and wanting to have fun” … but parties just weren’t my thing…

I hate crowds… I don’t drink (hell, kids our age aren’t even supposed to… but do it anyway like it’s some kind of secret club)… I don’t do drugs (again… we’re NOT supposed to even do these)… in the looks department I was “okay” (somewhere between “ugly” and “cool” … which basically left me out of the running as far as “getting lucky” was concerned… THIS, at least, was something we COULD legally do… but yeah… odds were against me as far as getting to first base… or even third base was concerned). If Josh wasn’t on his bs mission of “trying to get me out of the house” I could guarantee with 100% certainty that I would be reading fantasy novels or looking up fashion… Which, again, makes my chances of “getting lucky” that much harder because liking “fantasy” or “fashion” makes me “gay” apparently. Thanks a lot, Darren, you sack of shit. The first person I talked to when entering high school basically talked behind my back and spread the rumor I was gay because I like fantasy and fashion. Even a year later I still have to explain:

“No… I’m not gay… I’m just a guy who likes clothes and reading fantasy novels.”

But I seem to have gotten a bit off topic here… point is… parties just aren’t my thing. They just aren’t. Even if I go… I wouldn’t be on the dance floor… I wouldn’t be “getting wasted” … I would be on the sidelines. Pretty much the textbook definition of a “Wallflower.” But fine… I’ll try my hand at alchemy like one of my favorite heroes… and see if I can turn this lump of lead of a situation into a golden opportunity (and no… I’m not trying to imply that I’m into “that” either). So I text Josh back:

“I’ll come” and ask for details. Within five minutes Josh responded with “cool” and sent me the address. He also mentioned “BYOB” but since I don’t even like the taste of beer I opted to bring a 12-pack of Barq’s… at least it started with a “b”. The purchase made, I tether the 12-pack to the back of my collapsible Vivi electric mountain bike and head to the party.

About 30 minutes later, I make it to the O’Donnel house in Phinney Ridge. House is nice, kind of a barn aesthetic with red and white… I almost wanted to look at it more… if not for the fact 3 guys were on top of the garage doing a chugging contest… one of them was even using a beer bong funnel… as if that was gonna do anything for him.

“Hey! Hugh! HYOU MADE IT!” I heard as the guy tore his mouth away from the beer bong to look my way. God dammit… it was Josh… of course it was.

“Yeah… it’s me,” I admitted, a combination of annoyed and embarrassed, “will you ever get tired of making that joke?” I ask him as he fell off the garage face first but, being the freak athlete that he was, he caught himself before his face hit the ground. Bouncing right back up in time to say:

“Never!” before wrapping his arm around me and adding, “let me show you in” as he lead me up to the house. I may not be a party guy but I can’t help but admire Josh’s charisma. He makes… socializing… look so easy… has been ever since I’ve known him in middle school.

Believe it or not, I was even more anti-social in middle school. Elementary school bullying pretty much made me go into my shell and, come middle school, I was pretty much planning on being the “loner” and “outcast.” Kids weren’t nice to me so why be nice to them? That was pretty much my attitude when entering middle school. Come lunchtime I wouldn’t go to recess. I wouldn’t eat with anyone else. I would just eat and go to the library. That was my everyday. However, for better or worse, Josh got me out of my shell. One day, he just started sitting on my side of the cafeteria. He did not say anything at first and, honestly, I didn’t care. That said, as time went on, he started talking to me… and we became friends. When I asked him why he even bothered approaching me he said, “because us loners got to stick together!” with a grin and a thumbs up. As I got to know him it turned out that he was a movie buff and always liked the “loners” in films. Humphrey Bogart in “Casablanca,” James Dean in “Rebel Without a Cause,” Clint Eastwood in “A Fistful of Dollars,” and even the movie it was based on: “Yojimbo” with Mifune Toshiro. Being a loner was something of a small dream of his… that said, his face and innate charm apparently kept him from every truly being alone. Were I a lesser man I probably would have thought he was gloating… but I knew he wasn’t. The guy never bothered with lies. Of this, I can be certain. His personality was “upfront” to the point of being “blunt” . And on the off-chance he got nervous he would do an impression and say a movie line… as if being someone else allowed him to say things he wouldn’t otherwise… and this was probably why I was still friends with him. We were both awkward in our own ways.

Once inside the house, Barq’s under my arm, Josh showed me around as if the house was his. Through the front door you’d find yourself in the living room which was basically the dance floor. Look past the twerking and grinding and you might find people actually dancing. Some better than others but at least it was dancing… and in rhythm. Go through the hallway and to the left you find the kitchen. A massive steel fridge had a keg set up on the counter next to it. A couple kids were hovering around it. Talking and occasionally refilling their plastic cups. Just who was the jackass that sold them a keg? Oh well, not like anyone cared what I thought. Moving on, left of the two fish in training was what I pretty much always looked for at parties: the food. Nachos, pizza, tacos, candy, and a few two liters with cups and plates. Dr. Pepper, Mountain Dew, and Sprite. Awesome, I actually brought a drink they didn’t have. Mentally patting myself on the back. It took a hot minute but I was able to fit the 12-pack on the counter with everything else. Continuing on, Josh turned me around and pushed me towards a closed door back in the hallway we just came from. I could tell he was excited.

Once he opened the door, I felt like I just walked into a movie theater… for what was before us was like a mini movie theater. With nine large barcaloungers for movie seats. A 12-foot movie screen was at the far wall with the projector showing the movie “Haywire.” Despite wanting to be a loner I would get why he would want to be friends with whoever this “O’Donnel” was. That said, from the people making out in four of the barcaloungers, this place seemed more like a place to make out instead of watch movies.

“Ah! The fools!” commented Josh as he closed the door. His smile unfazed. Hand on my shoulder, he then pointed his hand to the door next to the home theater door.

“Upstairs bathroom is first door to the left of the stairs. Only use it as a last resort… if you catch my drift,” he said as he then winked twice at me.

“Ugggggh,” I said with a shrug. People were getting lucky… and I wasn’t one of them.

“There, there,” Josh said, trying to reassure me, “You’ll get lucky one day.”

“When?” I couldn’t help but ask him. My inner cynic rearing its ugly head.

“You will,” he said again, not missing a beat. Last thing Josh showed me was the door at the very back of the house. Telling me it was where the smokers and jackasses were hanging out. Yup, not going there… and I could tell he told me, and not showed me, on purpose. I may not like social butterflies… but at least Josh had tact. That I could not fault him for.

“So yeah,” Josh spoke up and slapped my back (a little taken aback), “that’s the lay of the land. Have fun, get something to eat, and don’t forget to have fun,” he added as he pointed both fingers at me. Just as he was about to leave for the home theater I couldn’t help but ask him:

“Where’s this ‘O’Donnel’ in all of this? Shouldn’t he be showing me around?”

“Oh, he’s getting baked in the attic. I doubt he’d show you much save for his bong and his goat laugh,” Josh answered. Chuckling a little bit, I waved him away and headed for the kitchen. Josh, in turn, disappeared into the home movie theater. Taking comfort in the fact there was going to be one guy actually watching the movie. After grabbing a plate with a little bit of everything and a can of Barq’s I headed back to the living room to take my usual spot: against the wall.

Fortunately PSY’s “Gangnam Style” was playing so everyone was actually dancing. Some even doing the dance that was in the music video. Either way, it seems Gangnam Style was too fast for the twerkers and grinders… and it was right as I thought this that a horrible thought crossed my mind:

Top 10 Songs to Bump and Grind to

I’m sure such a list exists… and it was at such a realization that my head shook at blistering speeds. As if I was instinctively trying to shake the thought from my brain. Damn my horny brain. Convinced that the thought was gone I went about eating my grub. Occasionally glancing up to the dance floor but mostly eating and listening to the music. I may not party but I did at least like techno. Looking beyond the dance floor I happened to notice other wallflowers like myself.

There was a mousy guy with glasses in a suit and bow tie next to a massive tree of a houseplant in the corner. A for effort but sadly not that kind of party. Next to him was a girl who looked like she was trying to channel Marilyn Manson. Skin painted white with black lipstick and eyeliner. I didn’t think it was possible but she seemed even more disinterested in this party than I was. For that, I tip my hat off to you (even though I didn’t have one). Lastly was a girl who… unfortunately seemed to be wearing floral drapes.

Yes, it was in the shape of a dress, but the pattern aged her needlessly. The white background behind the floral patterns also seemed to become the color of old ivory. Is it a hand me down from her mom?! Whatever the case it was obvious from her downcast stare and crossed arms that she didn’t want to be here… and especially not in that dress. As such, once I finished my food and drink, I put my plate aside… and worked up the courage to talk to her… Hoping I can work a little alchemy (and no… not in the naughty way).