2185 Calories

Breakfast had been about 600 calories.

A breakfast sandwich, including breakfast sausage, bacon, eggs, and cheese. Yogurt. Fresh Fruit.

Lunch and snacks, 800. 

Ham and Cheese sub with all the veggies. Mac and Cheese. Carrot sticks and Almonds. Fruit juice.

600 left for dinner when I got back. 

Ugh. I wish I didn't need to leave my dorm today. But when is life ever going to actually give us what we want?

#

“You have to be there!” Carla said over the phone this morning. Her voice was always a bit too high for my liking. She reached a pitch that I felt only dogs could hear at some point. But she was nice and genuinely well-intentioned in everything she did, so I was willing to overlook the absolute drain of energy that she seemed to be. 

I was in my dorm, still sleeping from the last late night I had, studying for a test. I’d texted her last night before falling asleep that I wouldn’t be able to make it to her get-together for the umpteenth time this week. I just wanted to sleep in. I’d gotten through four exams this past week, all I wanted to do this weekend was just relax. 

I mumbled some apology to her, but she wouldn’t take no for an answer. I was beginning to suspect that she didn’t hear the word ‘no’ often. And I wasn’t the person to really enforce a ‘no’. I didn’t want her upset at me either. She would take it personally if I didn’t make it. I garbled something about trying my best to make it and then rolled over and went back to sleep.

But I couldn’t disappoint her. She was one of the few people that put up with me. So after fixing my meals and getting through some homework, I put on my comfiest skinny jeans and maroon short sleeved crop top. I looked in the mirror after getting dressed, touching my midsection. It was the fullest it had been in a while; I could still see my ribs but there was still considerable distance between my ribcage and my belly. Did I look okay? I felt a bit bloated.

Before the thoughts could start to wrap around me, I slipped on my tan Sperrys, slip-on and perfectly lazy. I swiped some tinted Chapstick on my lips and headed out the door. She should just be grateful I was going at all and moderately dressed at that.

Her apartment complex was within walking distance of my dorm, so I took my time getting there. I could have had someone pick me up but I needed the time to mentally prepare for a party. I wouldn’t stay long but things tended to unravel quite quickly when I felt overwhelmed. College was a bit overwhelming at the time right now. 

I just took a breath and continued going on my journey, walking past Northgate and the bars to one of the apartment complexes. It was still pretty early for people to be in the bars, so I felt really comfortable avoiding everyone. I took my time, dreading each step as I went up to the roof, where Carla was hosting the party. 

She spotted me and a bright smile crossed her face. She ran to me and launched herself to give me a hug. 

"You're here!" she squealed. "Come on! You have to meet Mark! He's from Houston like you!"

She pulled me to a guy that was standing along the edge of the roof, looking over at the street. 

"Ma-ark!" she sang. 

He turned around, and when his eyes met mine, we both froze. 

We had met before. 

And I knew exactly where I knew him from. 

Suicide attempt. 

We were both in an inpatient facility at the same time in Houston. We were there for months together. We hardly talked, but we had group therapy sessions where we all listened to each other's...issues. I knew things about him. I knew he knew me. I knew he remembered me, anorexia nerviosa. 

He recovered and fixed his composure faster than I could fix mine. He extended his hand, a long sleeve covering his wrist. "Hi, I'm Mark."

"Elizabeth," I said as I took his hand. We shook once and quickly let go. 

I looked at his Columbia shirt. In hot Texas summers, breathable fabric or not, that must be miserable. But I knew what it was like to have people look at you like you're broken. And I bet he didn't want to remember that part of his life either. 

"Well, I'll let you two talk!" she said and bounced off. 

We both looked as she went to go greet other people that had just arrived. I realized that this was her setup. She always threatened to set me up with other people.

He pursed his lips and turned to me. "So what is your major?"

"Nutrition."

His lips coiled up for a second.

"And you?" I asked, politely. 

"Psychology." 

"Interesting," I said, nonchalantly.

"How do you know Carla?" he asked. 

"We are in a frisbee intramural." 

"Oh. She's in my psychology class." 

I nodded.

"What part of Houston are you from?" I asked. 

"Near the Heights."

"Ah. I'm northwest." 

"Cool." 

I shrugged. "I'm just happy to get a chance to be independent. And out of high school."

"Yeah. I can relate."

I just leaned against the railing and looked at the street. 

"Can I get you a drink?" he asked after a while. 

I shrugged. "What's available?"

His brows furrowed. "Umm...White Claws for sure."

"I don't drink."

"I think they have soda." 

So much sugar. “Yeah. Sounds good.” 

I don’t think that he wanted me to reveal where we both met. He didn’t behave like he wanted that to come out with that. I can’t say I blamed him; I came to college looking for a fresh start. If he could give me that, I could return the same. 

He brought back a Dr. Pepper. The official soft drink of Texas. I feel like I always struggled when it came to empty calories. Soda and pastries and chocolate bars...the thought of them still brought a knot to my throat. I cracked it open and closed my eyes, trying not to think of the 150 calories or the 40 grams of sugar that would add to my caloric intake with nothing. Did it taste good? Yeah. Sort of. Sweet, but also crisp. 

My problem with sweets is that I couldn't let myself count the sweets as calories. 

Act normal. 

"So...how has this semester been going for you?"

He shrugged and nodded. “Pretty good. I have a lot of tests but good enough.”

I smiled. “I bet.” The roof was still considerably empty. “Yeah. I don’t normally show up to things like this, but Carla forced me up here.”

He laughed. “This is one of the more low key events I’ve been to.”

The isolated kid? “Wow. Okay.”

“You look surprised.” 

I was. “No, I just can’t imagine partying and doing stuff in places this busy. Man...after classes, I’m tired enough.”

He shrugged. “You get to see people you don’t normally see.”

Indeed he does. 

“Yeah, but doesn’t small talk with strangers get old?”

“Only if you don’t have a choice.” He shrugged again. “I happen to like meeting people. Especially drunks. Drunk people tell you the weirdest aspects of their life.”

“Aaaand that’s why I don’t drink.” I said, bringing my hands together with the Dr. Pepper in between. 

He laughed, so I joined in. 

“I don’t get drunk,” he said. “I hardly drink. But sometimes you just don’t want to be the odd man out.”

I nodded. “It’s part of the reason why I’m here. I know the rest of Carla’s circle will be here, and I wouldn’t want to be the person people talk about.” I nodded towards some of the sorority sisters she had around her.

“You see yourself as that important, huh?”

“No. I just see them being just as superficial as I am.” The prim blondes in their dresses and rompers filled me with a bit of disgust. How easy it must be to be born pretty and thin.

“So why are you friends with Carla?”

“We have classes together.”

“So it’s just transactional?”

“No…”

He raised an eyebrow. “Well?”

“She’s one of the few genuine and happy people I’ve ever met. I figure the rays of sunshine would help me with my vitamin D deficiency. ”

He laughed. “That’s not where I thought that was going to go.”

I eyed my drink. “Did you spike this? I’m not usually this honest.”

“I ask a lot of questions.”

“Very forceful in requiring responses.”

I looked towards the setting sun. “I think it’s time for me to head home.”

“You just got here.”

“I need actual food.”

“Want to go to Layne’s? My treat.” he asked.

Chicken, potatoes, and toast? Surely over 600 calories. 

“We just met. What’s the catch?” I asked, narrowing my eyes.

“Maybe I’ll get a secret or two out of you in exchange.”

“Well, as long as you don’t require my soul.”

He smiled. “Not yet.” He waved me towards the door. “Let’s go.”

“Let’s.”

#

Before I went to bed that night, I wrote the final number in my agenda. 2185 calories.