Look at me!

Look at me!

***This story contains some sensitive topics which include mental health & suicide mentioned.

Tabitha had always loved to be the center of attention. Oftentimes, she’d fake illness or injury in order to get people to talk to her. She loved it when people would stare at her. She didn’t care if it was because of being proud of her, pity or even shock. If people were giving her undivided attention, she would say and do anything. So, naturally, she enjoyed gossip. True or not, she’d spread things around much like a forest fire spreads. If Tabitha knew something, everybody knew it.

              At one time, Tabitha made up a rumor about Chase Wheeler. Chase was already very depressed for someone of his age. He was a junior, halfway through the year. All the students were just coming back to school from holiday vacation. After about 3 days of being back, Tabitha realized she was becoming a bore. Nobody cared about anything she had to say, because she had nothing new to say.

A while back she had heard (and spread) a rumor that Chase Wheeler was in counseling for an essay that he submitted to his language arts teacher. Of course, that little tidbit of information wasn’t interesting enough for Tabitha to get that look of sudden shock. So, she added a little bit of “in-between the line” information. She wasn’t sure if it was the reason behind why he was in counseling or not, but she told people he’d written an account about how he would commit suicide. Unfortunately for Chase, this was half true. He had written a short story about a character who killed himself. It wasn’t a plan for his suicide, but the story was enough to make his teacher raise his eyebrows and wonder about Chase’s mental wellbeing. Next thing he knew, Chase was supposed to see the school counselor once a week. Because of how close Tabitha’s rumor was to the truth, nobody would hang around Chase anymore. They were all afraid they’d say something to cause him to end his life & nobody wanted to be the guilty party. He was lonelier now than he’d ever been. This only encouraged suicidal ideations to grow, much like cancer. He had imagined just about every way to end his life. His mom’s oxy mixed with some vodka resting in a dusty bottle on the back of his fridge, a straight razor that he’d slice horizontally down his arm, sitting in the garage with the door closed and the car on, & even just climbing underneath his bed & using his dad’s beretta. Every day, it was harder and harder for Chase to get up and face the day. After a few weeks, people began to warm back up to Chase and he was a little happier. Still depressed, but not as far gone as he was.

Tabitha had already spun just about every story she could. Nobody really told her anything before the holidays, because everybody knew she couldn’t keep anything to herself. People still talked to her, but she didn’t get that look of interest anymore. Nobody stopped what they were doing to look at her with their mouths slightly ajar and their eyes a little bit wider. That satisfying look of somebody hanging onto your every word, just because they need to know what happened next. Tabitha decided to take matters into her own hands & made the decision to spread a complete lie. She had crafted it ever so perfectly. “School shooting”, she thought to herself. She was filled with a warm feeling, knowing this was the best rumor to spread. People would absolutely believe her, because who wouldn’t believe someone was threatening to shoot a school up in America? And who would be the bloodthirsty maniac preparing to wield a gun up and down the hallways & shoot everybody who he blamed for his problems? Why, Chase Wheeler. Who else could fit such a perfect storyline? In Tabitha’s mind, Chase was already depressed, so it wouldn’t be a big twist to say that he was planning to shoot the school up. “I mean, it’s not like we don’t know if he is going to shoot up the school. For all we know, he could have a plan to do it anyway.” Tabitha justified her reasoning to herself. It was settled, she was going to tell people that Chase Wheeler was planning to shoot the school up. She’ll say she saw him scribble down the date in his notebook during her class with him, which was language arts. It was already Wednesday, so she’d decided to wait until Monday to initiate her plan. The week had come to an end & Tabitha’s exhilaration grew as Monday came closer. Monday was finally there. Tabitha decided to tell people right after first period. She was going to tell people he had planned to come into the school on Thursday, prepared to shoot their classmates. After first period, which was her class with Chase, she walked up to a group of people filled with 2 girls & 3 guys. She walked into the group as they were buzzing about the spring formal & who they were going to go with. “Oh my God” Tabitha uttered, with a petrified look on her face. The group silenced their discussion & looked straight at Tabitha. “What is it?” Some of them muttered, a little bit afraid to hear the answer. The last rumor they had heard from her was about Chase being suicidal. So, they were all prepared to believe whatever she threw at them. “I just came out of class with Chase & I’m not sure if I should tell the counselor or not.” The students stared at her, expectingly, wanting her to spill the beans. She took a breath and sputtered out, “Chase wrote that he is going to bring a gun to school on Thursday and shoot people.”. Everybody stared at her with giant eyes, their faces filled with terror. “We need to tell someone. Now” Said one of the boys in the group, Billy Colton. And with that, Billy was headed to the direction of the counselor’s office. Tabitha chewed her nails, a little bit afraid she’d be found out. Her plan was foolproof though; nobody could prove that he wasn’t planning to shoot up the school. The other students in the group were petrified and began to talk amongst themselves about how scary the whole situation was. The bell rang for second period & everybody scattered off to their next class. The fire had started.

By the end of the day, everybody in the school knew about the fake school shooting supposedly happening on Thursday. Everybody had heard the rumors, except for Chase. He usually sat slumped in the back of his classes, headphones on & shutting the world out. The whole school kept a six-foot radius away from Chase, just in case he would pull out a gun and shoot them earlier than scheduled. The only thing in Chase’s bag was a water bottle filled up a fourth of the way, the room temperature liquid sloshing around as he moved from class to class.  He went home that day none the wiser.

The rumor had marinated overnight & all the students came in on Tuesday morning determined to shed light on Chase’s plan to kill them all. Half of the students were lined up at the counselor’s office & the other half were having discussions with the teachers about their fears. Tabitha walked in, the only one aware that her rumor wasn’t the actual truth. She looked down at the floor as she walked past all the chattering and headed to the bathroom. She was prepared to sit in a stall until the first period bell rang. As she waited for the bell to ring, she read all of the chicken scratches and graffiti plastered all over the insides of the stall. There were boy’s names with hearts next to them, phone numbers & gum wrappers glued to the wall by chewed gum. Finally, the bell rang and Tabitha all but sprinted to first period. As she sat down in her seat, the class filed into the room. Chase was the last one to come in. As he came in, all the people in the classroom stared at him with a feeling of fear, even the teacher. They all believed he was secretly planning to take them all down. He didn’t even notice the extra attention he was getting as he plopped down in his seat and put his headphones in. “Coming Down” by Five Finger Death Punch blared in his ears as he read the assignments written on the white board. As he opened his language arts book, preparing to do his work for that day, the teacher tapped on his desk and motioned for him to pull out his headphones. “They’re calling you to the counselor’s office”, Mr. Riley said to him with a half-smile, secretly hoping that Chase wasn’t putting his name on the list of people he was going to shoot. Chase smiled back at Mr. Riley, packed up his bag & headed to the counselor’s office. “Maybe I can be done with counseling”, Chase hoped to himself.

              Tabitha chewed the end of her pencil and tapped her foot repeatedly on the floor, nervous about what they were going to say to Chase in the counselor’s office. She waited and waited for Chase to come back to class, so she could get some kind of idea what was said, but he didn’t come back. She spent the whole day grazing her eyes up and down the hallways and all around the cafeteria just hoping she’d catch a glance of him. She never saw him.

When Chase arrived at Mrs. Porter’s office, her door was open and she was sitting behind her desk, kindly waving him in to come sit on the couch that he sat on once a week, across from her desk. “Hello, Chase. How is your day going?” She spoke to him. He shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Eh, it’s alright, I guess. I thought I was only supposed to come on Friday morning?” “Yes, usually just Friday morning is fine. But it’s come to my attention that you may be planning something.” Chase looked puzzled; he hadn’t had any kind of specific suicidal plan in weeks. He had no idea what Mrs. Porter was talking about. “What are you talking about?”, he asked her. Mrs. Porter looked disappointed & said “Chase, someone in your first period caught you writing that you were planning to shoot students, here in our school.” Chase was outraged. Who would say something like that?! He hadn’t even written a suicidal story since the day he was forced to start seeing the counselor. He didn’t take a risk writing down his suicidal ideations. Why in the world would he write out a plan to kill other people if he wasn’t even willing to write down his own suicidal thoughts?! “I never wrote anything like that. Who said that?! I swear I don’t even know what you’re talking about.” Chase almost shouted, furiously. “Calm down, Chase. It was just something that came to our attention. I think maybe it’s best if you take the rest of the year and just do home study rather than here at the school.” Mrs. Porter calmly stated. “Are you serious?! I’m being punished because of a lie some lonely loser made up?!” Chase voiced, angrily. “It’s not really a punishment, Chase. It’s just what’s best for everybody, even you. I think it’ll be good for you to have more time at home. You would have more time to pursue your interests and you wouldn’t have to come deal with everybody here at the school every day.” she said, encouragingly. Chase rolled his eyes and calmly said, “Alright, whatever. Can you at least tell me who said I wrote that down?” Mrs. Porter smiled at him, grateful he had calmed down, and responded, “I’m not sure. Someone who sits behind you.” Instantly, Chase knew exactly who she was referring to. Tabitha. That bitch was the reason everybody knew why he was in counseling in the first place. Chase wasn’t one to blame others for his issues, but Tabitha was one reason nobody spoke to him much. And now she was responsible for him getting kicked out of school. Nobody even asked him if it was true and he was sure if Mrs. Porter had heard about him writing such nonsense, everybody knew about it. Chase was filled with that familiar feeling of never-ending dreadful numbness. He shoved his headphones back into his ears and swung his backpack over his shoulder. He walked out of the office, prepared to walk home. As he walked home, he was just filled with more and more sadness. He didn’t care anymore. All that progress he had made in counseling just didn’t matter. Nobody would believe the truth about the situation. Not with just his words. Nobody even cared enough about him to ask him if was okay when those rumors were being spread. Why did anything matter anymore? His social life would never get better. He wasn’t even allowed to go to school anymore. Unwillingly put into a home study program, he just didn’t understand how he was supposed to make anything better if he were stuck at home. He thought about the situation all the way home. As he walked up his driveway, he started brainstorming a plan.

Tabitha went home after a long day at school, afraid that people would figure out she was lying. Anytime anyone had pulled her aside to speak with her about the rumor she started, she felt a prickling of anxiety. She was terrified someone would call her out and tell her they knew she was lying about the whole thing. Fortunately for her, nobody called her out. They all 100% believed that Chase Wheeler was planning an attack on the school. Tabitha was exhausted from all the worrying that day and attempted to go to sleep. She tossed and turned all night, wondering about what people would say tomorrow.

Wednesday morning came & Tabitha headed to school. Everybody was whispering to themselves as Tabitha walked down the hallway. “Hey”, Ashley Green blurted out, tapping Tabitha on the shoulder. Tabitha turned around & looked at Ashley. “Chase got kicked out of school. He’s not allowed back this year. It’s a relief you found out what he was planning.” Ashley admitted to Tabitha. “Oh good. I’m so glad we won’t have to wonder and worry about him hurting any of us while we’re at school”, she responded. Ashley nodded & continued to her class as did Tabitha. As she walked through the threshold of the door of her class, she felt a pat on her shoulder and noticed someone in a black hoody practically sprinting past her. She looked at her shoulder and realized that there was a note taped to her. She pulled the note off her shoulder as she made her way to her seat. She opened it up as she sat down & read the note. “I know what you did. Meet me in the gym 10 minutes before the end of first period. Or else you’ll regret it.” Tabitha swallowed hard and felt the prickly sensation of terror and shame come over her. She raised her hand and told Mr. Riley she needed to go to the bathroom & he dismissed her. Tabitha headed to the gym.

              When Tabitha got to the gym, she noticed someone standing in the middle with a hood over their head. She suspected the person who wanted to see her was Chase & as the person shook the hoody off his head, she realized she was right. She stared at Chase, ready to race in the other direction. Chase had his hands behind his back and there was red liquid dripping onto the floor behind him. “Is that blood?!” Tabitha thought to herself, afraid. Chase brought one of his hands from behind his back and revealed a spray can dripping red paint. “I know what you did, and I need people to know the truth.” He blatantly stated to Tabitha and then pointed directly behind her. Tabitha turned around and looked at what he was pointing at. Above her, on the wall above the door, read the words, “Tabitha is a LIAR. All she wants is ATTENTION. I never had a plan to hurt anyone at this school. Nobody even cared enough about me to know that it was a lie. -Chase W.” Tabitha turned back around to Chase, who now was holding a gun in his hands. He raised the gun up slowly & Tabitha took a sharp breath and began to curl up into a ball on the floor. He was going to shoot her! Tabitha waited for the loud BANG of the gun to go off, and decided to open her eyes to see what was taking him so long to shoot her. When she opened her eyes, she looked in horror as his finger squeezed the trigger.

              BANG

              The gun dropped to the floor & so did Chase. Tabitha stared in horror as all the blood puddled under chase and seeped into the old wooden floors. Then, the bell for second period rang. As the bell rang, Tabitha let out a bloodcurdling scream. Terrified and feeling guilty because of what she had just seen, she backed herself into the corner of the gym. As she sat in the corner, sobbing, students and teachers filed into the gym and instantly realized what had happened. The people in the gym stared daggers into Tabitha with looks of nothing but disgust. Tabitha regretted everything & for once in her life, she wished nobody could see her.