MY LIFE IS MINE AGAIN

Life brings you unexpected things. Some of it is good and others can turn your life upside down. Then you spend many years trying to get your life back together. You succeed for the most part but you want more out of life. You want to blossom like the cherry blossoms you see blooming all around you. You want your life to begin again. You are open to it. How do you live again?

My name is Molly and for the last decade I've been struggling with survivor's guilt over the events that took place on a very beautiful spring day. I still remember the smiling faces of the kids. The laughter of the parents. The beautiful bright sunny day and the smell of the flowers. In an instant that beautiful sunny day came to a heartbreaking end. The sound of gun fire penetrated my blissful happy world.

Bodies began to fall right where they stood. So many innocent men, women and children were being gunned down. I ducked beneath a table. I saw the gun man. He was a kid himself. I was silent for what felt like an eternity. The shooting lasted ten more minutes then I began to hear police sirens. Relief washed over me.

I saw the police racing to the shooter as he was reloading. One of the cops tackled him. The shooter was struggling. More cops came to help. They managed to get the shooter into handcuffs. When I emerged from beneath the table, I saw the devastation. Many amazing people I happily called friends laid dead or dying.

I fell to my knees and I began to cry. One of the cops told me I was lucky to be alive. How can I be lucky to be alive when so many are dead? My life has been completely shattered since that day. I have never let anyone get close to me and I have never let myself get close to anyone.

I moved around a lot in the last decade never staying in one place. I know it sounds crazy but for me it gives me a piece of mind. But now something in me has changed. I don't know what it is. I do know it feels good.

I'm living in my new home in the town of Mountain Creek. I love it here that's saying something because I never loved any one place as much as I love Mountain Creek. This place is giving me hope, hope to starting my life again. This feeling is something I haven't felt in ten years. I'm smiling again.

Mountain Creek is so beautiful. The mountains are majestic. I can stare at them all day. It's what I've been doing since I arrived. This is the longest time I spent in one place. I can't tell you how many times I moved. That's how long I've been moving around. There is something special about Mountain Creek and it's not just the mountains. Maybe it's the people or maybe it's me. Staying in one place scares me. Being on the run is easy.

Mountain Creek grew on me more than any other place. The quiet serene beauty of the mountains and the forest has calm me down and took away my nightmares. The people have been amazing to me. They took me in without asking any questions.

They don't know anything about me and yet they treat me like one of their own. I'm opening myself up to staying and living a good life, then something happens in my life. Whenever I start to feel happy the guilt pops back up. The guilt remains in my heart, the sense of loss is still deep within my soul. I know I have to let go. I'm hoping my next step will help me with that.

I love Mountain Creek so much that I'm willing to let these amazing people into my life. I'm willing for the first time in ten years to tell my story. I'm willing to let it all go. No more guilt. No more deep pain. My life is going to be mine again. I want to fell alive like I use to.

I found this place right here in Mountain Creek that helps people deal with trauma. This is the first start in getting my life back. I'm nervous and scared. I don't want to relive the loss of my friends. I have to be strong. Molly you can do this.

The sun rising over the mountains looks absolutely stunning. Today is my first day at the Mountain Creek Counseling Center. Ten years in the making and I'm finally mustering up the courage to get the help I needed for the last decade. I never understood how one thing can give you peace, the mountains give's that to me.

I look at myself in the mirror. Molly you look great. Remember this is the beginning of the rest of your life. Don't be scared to talk about that day. I leave my lovely cabin home and walk to the counseling center. It's no wonder why I love this place. The lush green forest, the birds chirping, the wind blowing, anyone can get lost in this beautiful place.

I arrive at the counseling center, deep breathe in and out. I open the door and enter. I'm greeted by many voices talking rapidly. I walk to the group of people and sit in the back. No one has noticed me yet. I hear the men and women talking about what brought them here. Each story is heartbreaking. When the last person finishes the counselor asks if anyone else wants to go next. I raise my hand. Oh God they are all looking at me. Deep breathe in and out. I introduce myself.

"Hello my name is Molly Shaw. I recently moved to Mountain Creek. For the first time in my life, I feel like I finally found a home. Ten years ago, I lost the people I loved the most. They were friends who meant the world to me. It was a beautiful spring day when my world shattered. I was at the park celebrating my friend's birthday when a gun man that I have known my whole life and the town knew began to shoot us. I found cover underneath a table."

I can't do this. I thought I could but I can't. I begin to cry. "I can't do this. I'm sorry." I get up and leave when someone stops me. "Molly don't leave. All of us here are your friends. No one is going to judge for staying alive. Finish your story." I nod. I sit down and finish my story.

"I hid underneath a table. I heard the bullets, saw the bodies going down. I saw the shooter. I thought he saw me, he didn't. My friends were screaming and running. He shot them without mercy. I felt like the shooting was never going to end. The police finally came. They rush the shooter and placed him in handcuffs. I got out from under the table. One of the cops told me I was lucky to be alive. I haven't felt lucky. For ten years I felt guilty. I survived and many of my friends died."

"I moved around so much because I wanted to be alone. I didn't want to get close to anyone. Now I want to feel happy again. Living life is making me happy once again but my guilt has been eating at me. I've been broken for so long. I don't want to be broken anymore."

Wow, that felt good. Relief has engulfed me. A ten-pound rock has been lifted off of my shoulders. One by one the people come to me and hug me. The last person to hug me is Michael. He runs the counseling center. He tells me "The next step is remembering those live lost."

I take Michael's words in kind. I leave the center saying goodbye to the good people I met and telling them I will see them tomorrow. They return the gesture. I walk outside and breathe in the fresh air. I decide to go to the hiking trail.

Remembering my friends has always been hard for me. Their memory makes me cry. When I see their faces in my dreams, I feel a deep pain that has me waking up screaming,. I miss them so much. I miss the fun times we had, all the laughter and smiles. The vacations we had. The many cookouts, movie nights, all the birthday and holiday celebrations. I miss it all. They were the best people, good people. All they wanted to do was live.

I made it to the top of the mountain. Wow, Mountain Creek is even more beautiful. I'm glad I decided to stay. Now for the hard part, remembering. Here I go.

Stacy, Mark, Cameron, Maya, Sky and Nancy. I love you. I miss you with all my heart. You are all my Angels. Whenever the wind blows, the sun rises I know you are there watching me and wanting me to be happy. Rest easy my friends. One day we will meet again.

I climb down from the mountain hopeful for a better future. I feel alive. I feel my life is once again mine. Mountain Creek, I'm here to stay.