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Wear Clothes Or Werewolf? That Is The Question.

Once upon a time in a huge metropolis called Danville, Va., there lived a man named Laurence. He had a crush on a beautiful girl named Belle who he had been dating for over 2 years. Then he, "popped-it." That's when she hugged him and said, "Yeah, man! I thought you'd never ask!" They set their wedding date for 8 months away because Laurence didn't want to risk any chance of giving her an opportunity to change her mind, which is something women are known for doing. They couldn't possibly have been any happier. To say they were both extraordinarily ecstatic would have been a gross understatement since they did everything together, the only thing they didn’t do was go to each other’s public restrooms when they both needed a room that they could just, “rest” in. Both of them had a mutual friend that they loved quite a bit. He was in the guys and the girls restrooms. Of course, he went by the name, “John.”

Yet there was a witch named Broomhilda who wanted him to marry her instead. The problem was she gave new meaning to the word, "ugly," since she put the ug into ugly. It looked like somebody didn't beat her with an ugly-stick, rather they used the whole darn tree, roots and all. The problem was according to The Witch's Handbook, it was uncool for a witch to cast a spell on somebody whom they loved. So instead, she cast a spell on Laurence and turned him into a werewolf. That meant on every full-moon, he'd go into his horrible transformation period. It was never a good time, but there were some times that were worse than others. Case in point, once it happened when he was getting a haircut. The barber was chatting about sports, the weather, each other's lives, cabbages-and-kings, the price of eggs in Allaguonquin and other topics of interest. Suddenly the full-moon came up which meant Laurence had his slightly different change. The barber yelled, "Woe! Hey! Now, this is going to cost you an extra $24.00 after this!" That's when Laurence replied before he completely turned into the monster, "Yeah? Well, just make it a little lighter around the legs, please!" The name of that curse happened to be called Licanthrope, which means to change into a wolf. Actually, that was a problem for most of the guys who lived in Danville anyway. Even though there were some famous wolves such as the one in The 3 Little Pigs, The Boy Who Cried It and Peter And The Wolf, although by and large, they got a bad rap in life. They wouldn’t even say, “ ‘Howl’-o” when you pass by them.

At any rate, Laurence did a perfect job of hiding his nonconformity, providing he was back in his, “cave” before each full-moon came out. Actually, in Seattle, Washington it rains so frequently there that the residents think the sun is evil. When it comes up they’re always saying to each other, “What did we do? Is our town bad?” In fact they’ll be on the beach getting a, “rain-tan.” They think the more wrinkled that their body is, the better. If you tell somebody from that city, “Man! You look like a prune!” They’ll take that as a compliment. Ask anybody from there, “Do you like the sun?” ‘No.” Why?” “It dries up the sinuses, that’s why, so you can’t breathe!” Regardless, Laurence tried living there but he didn’t think much of having to just swim to work every day. If he hadn’t met a beautiful girl named Belle, he’d have stayed in Danville but when the love-bug bites, there’s nothing you can put on it to stop the extreme itching for love.

Being a werewolf was really getting the best of poor Laurence. He hated not being able to stay out late at night during the full-moon since that’s so romantic. That’s especially true in Danville because the part of town Laurence lived in was deep in the country where there were no other kind of lights around and during a full-moon, they would be able to take a walk all around some big field at midnight, but the moon was so brilliant it was like 8:00 p. m. outside.

The problem was every time they had a date on a full-moon night, Laurence would always have to go home just when the full-moon was rising, and that was the time when Belle was feeling the most horney. Now, the thing was she didn’t know how to play one, so the only thing she would do was to honk it in her car. Yet she was beginning to feel like Laurence was a car because he would blow his. Belle hated the fact that her date would always have to go home every time they were out during a full-moon. That’s when Laurence would just excuse himself and leave her there. She wanted all her dates to be sweet, but some of them were really more like the, “pitts.” She felt like that really did stink just like her arm, “pits” did. Anyway, life was hard on both of them every time they had a date on a full-moon since that was, “a date to hate.”

Then one full-moon night, Belle snuck over to his house to see what he was hiding. That’s when she saw him go through his amazing metamorphosis. She stood there in horror with her hands covering her mouth to keep from screaming. She saw him running around the room while banging on the walls and furniture, trying to get out of that locked door from the outside. The sounds it was making were terrible since it sounded like some kind of wild animal trying to get out of the tightly locked-up cage it had just been put in because he really did want to get out and spread a whole lot of chaos and destruction in his path. That was the wolf side of his desire. He didn’t know, “howl” else to deal with that problem. When he tried to explain his huge issue to his general practitioner, all he would say was, “There’s nothing wrong with having a problem, it’s how you can go about overcoming it which makes you grow stronger by overcoming your thing. If you feel like a wolf, ask yourself which one since there are several of them in any library book.

Not knowing what else to do, she turned to God in prayer. She had never been much of a Christian before, but figured that would be the perfect time to become one. After confessing her sins in front of Him, she invited Him to come into her heart and make Him be the Lord of her life.

The next night when she knew the moon would be full again, she stood outside of Laurence’s window with a gun, loaded with a silver bullet. She had borrowed that from The Loan Ranger because he was the king who sat on gold, but The Loan Stranger will sit on, “Silver.” That’s when he rides with his faithful Indian side-kick, “Pronto.” At any rate, Belle had to do a considerable amount of wealing-and-dealing, but she eventually talked him into just giving her one of his silver bullets. She had to do a lot of lying when he asked her why she needed it, but she didn’t like the idea of not, “lying” down with her steady boyfriend even more. So the next full-moon she put the bullet into the gun. She was sobbing quite bitterly while she did it. She prayed, “Oh, Father, this is the only way I know of to help Laurence. Please forgive me for what I am about to do for him. Yet if there is another way to cure him, I don’t know what it is. My love for him is really strong.” Then she waited for her boe to go through his amazing metamorphosis change to cure him. She cocked the gun and waited for the man she loved with all her heart to change and cure him. She heard him whistling How Great Thou Art as she held up the weapon which was the only way to cure her boyfriend of his infirmary while looking into the gun’s sights.

Yet there was no werewolf, only Laurence. She had the gun poised with him right dead in her sights ready to pull the trigger which was the only cure for Walpurgesnach. That is the technical term for turning into a werewolf. Yet there was no sound of clothes-tearing and snarling like she had been expecting. Instead the sound she heard was Laurence singing How Great Thou Art. She didn’t understand why he hadn’t turned into the terrible monster. Then it hit her, (an idea, not a terrible monster). The Bible clearly states that, “The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man, (or woman), availeth much.” Her prayers had been heard, and answered by the One Who can work miracles. That meant she could really say, “Yeah man!” when he, “popped it.” The next year they were married. The following year they were both celebrating the birth of their first cubs who joined their pack, and speaking of, “pack,” they did that happily when they moved into their bigger house to accommodate the cubs. At any rate, like the best-written children’s stories of all-time will always officially finish up with,

“THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER!!!!” The end.

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By, Cuz Roye.