Broken

Trigger warning: suicide

"Autophobia is the fear of being alone or of lonliness. I've had this since I was 13 years old; when my father had suddenly passed away due to an accident. And probably the main reason why I am single, well leaving my addiction. Hi I'm Haylee, I'm an alcoholic." saying my share I sank back into my seat and wandered through the past few months that led me to an AA meeting.

Six months ago.

The blood drained from my face as I stood there in the bathroom holding the test, my boyfriend Smith saw my pale face and understood what the results were. It was POSITIVE!! I was pregnant! That too at the age of 20 with a guy I've only have been seeing for a month.

Smith did nothing but hugged me for 10 minutes straight and said in a low voice, "I know it's early but I want to raise this baby with you" as if asking for my permission. I was completely dumbstruck, I never wanted to have a baby of my own. But for some reason looking at Smith's face I was sure that it could work. I kissed him on his cheek and he seemed to know my answer to his indirect question.

All of it was quite new and sudden and I liked this feeling. He moved in with me in my apartment and we became closer and closer each day. We divided chores, went shopping together and we were almost an official couple. He went to work 3 days a week for 6 hours and I had flexilbility to arrange my working hours.

2 months later.

I was working late almost everyday now and things were not great in our households. We used to fight every few days and Smith would storm out of the house and return hammered. I was so close to calling us off. But I loved him. I never had said it out loud but I was falling in love with him all this time.

One week passed by with our daily routine of arguing and getting over it. I decided to put an end to this ordeal of ours with a surprise romantic evening after Smith got home from his work. I left my office early and picked up his favourite takeouts. As I entered my apartment I heard moaning sounds from our bedroom. Without giving it a second thought I rushed to my bedroom and saw Smith cheating on me with an unknown woman; in MY apartment.

The sound of the food boxes hitting the ground startled the both of them. Smith looked like he almost saw a ghost. I was frozen to my spot and I felt tears storming out from my eyes. Before he could say anything I ran out of the apartment and drove away as fast as I could. Tears pooling in my eyes made my vision blurry but I didn't care for it.

I couldn't get my mind around what I had just encountered. The person I loved, the person I was willing to fix everything for. The only person I thought who would never hurt me. But it was sort of obvious as the speed our relationship exceeded was too fast. It's all my fault! Why should I let myself be so vulnerable to someone or anyone in that sense.

The next morning I woke up in the hospital with bruises all over me. A truck drove into my side as I continued speeding without noticing the red light. The incidents of last night came rushing back to me and I was feeling sick to the stomach. I put my hand over my stomach and noticed there were stitches on. Then it clicked, THE BABY!! I lost my baby!

Even though I had no intentions of being pregnant or having a baby I started growing fond of it, and now, I've lost it. I've lost the only thing which reminded me of the few moments of happiness. I've lost both people I loved the same day. And so I was alone again.

Few months after I started drinking and it became an addiction. In the beginning I drank to the reminder of my lonely childhood. Then to the loss of the one whom I loved when he gave me so many reasons not to. Then to the loss of my baby. Then to back to being alone. I stopped showing up to work. I gave up eating and all the things I found pleasure into.

I was broken.

I even tried to end my life. I bought some sleeping pills and headed home. On my way home I saw a child begging for food near the corner of the street. Looking at her, I thought of my lost child and so I bought her some food and new clothes. I was not willing to leave her again. So I took her home. I named her Hope.

To legally adopt her I am trying to be sober and fix all the mess in my life even though it's almost impossible to have the broken part of my heart mended.

She was my hope.

Few years later.

"Everyone is broken in their own ways, and that is how the light seeps in. Agreed that broken toys cannot be mended but us humans are far more complicated to be termed as 'toys'. Your mistakes don't define your character. It's what you do upon it that makes all the difference. If years back I was to stop everything and give up hope; today I wouldn't be here speaking in front of such a huge crowd. I found hope in a small orphan girl who now lives with me. She is the sole reason I am alive today."

"Today I, Haylee Scott, am an inspirational and motivational speaker also working for NGOs which work to help single moms and orphan children to live a life every person on this planet deserves. My only hope is to be someone who's there for people like me- who didn't have anyone to hold on to during such tough times. Mistakes are made be it small or big, be it your fault or not, be it on purpose or an accident; with hope and faith on God even the man buried in the deepest betrayals, unfortunate events, darkness can be revived. Only thing never to forget is to not lose hope."

Few years later.

'BROKEN' book written by Ms. Hope Scott is a big hit. It drives you to the deepest of the depth and highest of the highs faced by the writer and makes you feel those things deeply. It's an inspiring book which plunges into your heart and leaves an impact. It highlights the importance of mental health and the power of 'hope'.