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‘The worst meal I’ve ever tasted.’ Imagine a zero-star TripAdvisor restaurant review: capture the customer’s evening out that compelled them to complain.

Posted in Funny on Sep 29, 2023

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✍️ 31 stories

Anywhere But Dino's!

Submitted to Contest #218

Anywhere but Dino’s! Have you ever been lucky enough to acquire a free gift card to a place you’ve never been before? Well that was the case with my wife and I, this weekend. A ‘$50’ gift card to Dino’s, an Italian restaurant about 20 to 30 miles from our hometown of Bloomsburg, Pennsylvania.  We were ecstatic at the news, my wife had been dubbed employee of the month, her prize, the card. We made plans for this past weekend and headed out for our reservation set for 4:00 PM. We arrived a little early, 3:53 to be exact, but we wer...

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Vanity Unfair

Submitted to Contest #218

‘This despicable establishment needs to be held to account. You are responsible for destroying future memories, the stories one tells one’s grandchildren. You ruined what should have been the happiest, most significant night of my life…’ Benjamin Coben-McGinley, the third’s, two fingers punched the keyboard hard enough to bruise. Every strike rippling the surface of his double espresso as it vibrated through the antique, hand-carved mahogany writing desk that once belonged to William Makepeace Thackery. He winced as the brim of the small...

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Sphere of Knowledge

Submitted to Contest #218

Irej found himself wandering the outskirts of the tribe square pondering the lessons from the sphere. Life comes from the water? The lights in the sky are planets like Karlen? Life exists on other planets? But not all of them? He sat on a fallen tree over looking the fields as he considered this. He knew he had a lot on his plate already with a partner and three kids at home. The time of trading was going to be here before they all knew it.  He decided to stop into the Smedgery on the way home. He could use...

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The Delicious Human Garden

Submitted to Contest #218

The Delicious Human Garden Experience Reviewed on star-date 3125.67 By Tanish Kallanos, Renown-Level Advisor Reader, should you find yourself traveling through the Omega Quadrant (which I would advise against, generally), please avoid the Omega 43 Station and in particular the eatery known as the Delicious Human Garden, which I review here. This dining chain of questionable merit is found in many human stations. I cannot imagine the other locations would be better than my experience, but I can only judge my own experiences. This pa...

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Dating Gone Pharaoh

Submitted to Contest #218

Dating Gone Pharaoh  The first sign of the change was a quiet stridulation.  It was a pulling and rubbing noise that created a low hum as each bone was knitted and formed.  Then a moist, sliding sound as muscle and tendons formed to create movement. Each organ was a soft ‘thump' as it slid into place of the gapping abdominal cavity.  Next came the whistling sound of sand forced into movement as skin enveloped the forming figure.  Lastly, the faint rhythmic drumming of a heartbeat and muffled rushing of blood indicate...

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Eat with your eyes first

B M

Submitted to Contest #218

As the sun began its descent, casting a warm golden hue upon the bustling city streets, I found myself in need of a reprieve from the demands of everyday life. Seeking solace in the company of good food and my colleague Anderson, we set out on a mission to succumb to the tantalizing delights of a new culinary experience.  As we entered the dimly lit restaurant, a heavy veil of anticipation hung in the air. The ambiance, though lacking in charm, hinted at a certain charmlessness that catered to the peculiar tastes of seasoned adventure...

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A Zero Star Empire

Submitted to Contest #218

My husband asked me not to write this. Our conversation started civil before devolving into a gritty symphony of divergence. He believes the review won’t make sense, is personal, and petty. My soul disagrees. To cleanse my conscious, I must forewarn anyone else who dines here. Believe it or not, I normally give positive reviews. When I finish a book, I leave a review. When I go to the dentist, I leave a review. When a product does what is supposed to, I leave a review. When an app asks me for a review, I hit ask me again later. I’m not a ...

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The Culinary Catastrophe

Submitted to Contest #218

The Culinary Catastrophe      By Alexa P.  It was an ordinary Sunday night out with my family and my friends. We were famished and desperate for some food, so we decided on a place we had never been to, the Cheesecake Factory. The advertisements online had piqued my interest, and I was so excited to try it.  As we drove closer to the restaurant, the big red The Cheesecake Factory sign filled me with ecstasy. We got a table and my mouth was already watering when I saw the pictures of the food on the menu. Th...

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Zero Stars!

Submitted to Contest #218

Dear Avid Reader,            There are times in the commencement of my duties for you, dear reader, I find myself struggling to walk the line between my own personal biases and my responsibility to those of you who take my word as either an endorsement or condemnation of a particular establishment. This is not a responsibility I take lightly and ultimately in most cases I will lean on my code to provide you with an unbiased and objective review of the eateries available in our metro area...

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Downpour Dining

Submitted to Contest #218

We were set for a night of delicious food and impeccable service. It was our monthly girls’ night out and my turn to select the restaurant and making all the arrangements. I had read so many good reviews about Cassis, the talk of the town. It was a new French restaurant that had just opened. I thought it would be the ideal place for us to catch up, outside work. The location was not ideal for either one of us: it was on another side of town, but we all eagerly wanted to go. The reservation was surprisingly easy, for a new restaurant...

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Close Encounters of the Tasteless Kind

Submitted to Contest #218

Imagine flying half way across the galaxy to be seated beside the toilets. Eau de toilette had taken on a new meaning, but at least there was a waft of jasmine and five spice masking the smell of May’s disappointment.‘Where do I begin?’ May typed as if she was fuelled by hell fire itself. The clacking of her vintage typewriter beating the speed of the clock who ticked pitifully nearby. It was a wonder the keys were not giving off steam, the poor thing melting as it took the brunt of her pure unadulterated critique.“Never in my days -” she pa...

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Rose-Colored Revelations

Submitted to Contest #218

Kat was struggling. It had been one of those long insufferable days, the sort of day that mocks you at every turn. She sat in bed on her phone last night, not able to sleep but also knowing that her insistent scrolling was at least partly to blame for her insomnia. When she woke, her eyes still stung from the harsh digital light, not at all mitigated by her restless sleep. The last of summer was retreating as autumn quietly crept along the edges of busy lives, appearing first only in the late hours of night. Kat left the windows open and the...

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Sacre Bleu

Submitted to Contest #218

When a 'lardy dah' French restaurant appeared on the scene, Mick knew that Pam would insist on going there to celebrate their wedding anniversary, and like any man who cherished marital harmony, he would do whatever it took to appease his wife -happy wife, happy life - the man's mantra. So there they stood at 8pm on a drizzly Tuesday evening, on Pratt's Bottom Highstreet pavement, holding hands and looking at the venue they'd be dining at. Pam lovingly looked at Mick, beamed a smile at him, and declared, "it look's soo romantic, Mick, I love...

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Not really even a restuarant

Submitted to Contest #218

*contains adult language* Guys, this place is f*ked up. Don’t go here. Seriously. It’s more like a perverse theme park or haunted house than a restaurant. You shouldn’t need any more explanation than this. How often do you see a review this terrible? But just for the entertainment fact, I’ll indulge. First off, the ambience was weird. I think they were trying to be sort of retro and hip, but they went way overboard. The table was made of pipes but it wasn’t the sort of normal “industrial” table you buy on Wayfair. It looked like they lit...

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Maison Malade

Submitted to Contest #218

As Greg removed the intricately folded napkin from his plate, the coarse texture of the fabric made him wonder if by using that napkin he was going to lose his fingerprints that evening. Upon inspection, the fabric of choice was tulle, except it had been starched to an inch of its life. Scrunching his mouth up to his eyebrows, he looked around in utter confusion. Greg Pundit had a sterling 20 year trajectory as one of North America’s most prestigious and renowned food critics. While his initial start had been a stroke of luck, the New ...

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