Michael Jefferson

“Skunk Cabbage” by Michael Jefferson

Submitted to Contest #234

Cooper Conell groans as he rolls on his side. Grabbing the bedpost, he pulls himself up, coughing until he’s a wheezing breathless wreck. The sad part is this is as good as he’s going to feel all day. He blows a kiss at his late wife’s photo. Cooper grimaces, trying to ignore the sharp pain in his hip as he wobbles to a standing position. He pats his ever-expanding belly, running his hand over his bald pate where his rich black hair used to be. “…The golden years…,” he mutters to himself. Dressed and ready for work. Cooper searches the ...

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“O For April” by Michael Jefferson

Submitted to Contest #233

Coming out of a successful spring training camp, the Detroit Tigers seemed primed to finish in first place. Then their ace, Pickles Primeau, fell down a flight of stairs while taking out the trash, tearing his ACL. In his first at-bat of the season, the team’s best hitter, Perdido Morales, slid into second, breaking his ankle. Good things come in threes and the Tigers soon found out the same is true of bad events as well. Rip Robbins, the previous season’s home run champ and a rabid rapper, announced his retirement to become a full-time mu...

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“It’s A Long Walk To Nunavut” by Michael Jefferson

Submitted to Contest #232

“Put your safety glasses on,” Dr. Carter Eubanks cautions. “We’re seventy miles away from the blast site. There’s still a possibility of going blind?” researcher Hugh Hansen asks. “We don’t know yet. That’s one of the reasons we’re here,” Carter replies. Brenda Byrd puts on her protective glasses. “How did you get through research training without reading any source materials?” “CliffsNotes.” “Well, there’s no cheat sheet for a bomb that can generate heat twenty thousand times hotter than the surface of the sun.” Hugh looks at the row...

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“A Heep of Trouble” by Michael Jefferson

Submitted to Contest #231

Catfish Paradise, Arizona 1886 Lindy Drinkwater watches Jackie Diamond continue to fleece the Heep brothers. “What a bunko artist. Jackie should at least lose a few hands.” “When it comes to cards, tin horns always think they’re the top dogs,” Tuck Barnett replies. “Diamond’s makin’ me jittery,” Lindy replies, rubbing his bald head to ease the stress. “Better fetch Hack.” Lexington “Lotta” Heep leaps from his chair, his hulking figure hanging over card-sharp Jackie Diamond. Forty-six-year-old Lotta Heep is 320 pounds of brutality, ...

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“Knocked Into Next Week” by Michael Jefferson

Submitted to Contest #230

Greg Van Fleet drifts in and out of consciousness. “His helmet is split in half,” a voice says. “He’s lucky his head isn’t in the same condition,” Head Coach Steele Stoneman replies. “Guess we’ll get the money for padded goalposts now.” Greg tries to stand but can’t move. He gasps for air. His heart pounds and Greg tries to remember how he wound up flat on his back… Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow High School hasn’t scored a point in two weeks, which means Greg, the team’s kicker, and third-string end hasn’t played at all, while his best...

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“The Queen of Mean Is Here” by Michael Jefferson

Submitted to Contest #229

“Pearls, please.” Hyatt “Hy” Rhodes fastens a string of pearls around his wife’s neck. Lane Rhodes stands back from the mirror. Sucking in her stomach and fluffing her auburn hair, Lane asks, “How do I look?” “Just as beautiful as that pretty freshman cheerleader I brought home to Christmas dinner eleven years ago.” “I looked like a scared rabbit being led to the slaughter back then. Did you remember to get the dinner rolls?” “Yep. The King’s Hawaiian brand, just like mother recommended.” “You mean demanded,” Lane replies. I thought ...

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“It’s Easy, Just Get Cheesy” by Michael Jefferson

Submitted to Contest #228

Loretta Cibo opens her suitcase. “Okay, let’s go over our equipment. Pepto Bismal, Alka-Seltzer, Ex-Lax.” “Check,” Sam, her husband, replies. “I got some barf bags just in case.” “Hide those. I don’t want to look like an amateur.” Sam and Loretta believe their quaint general store in Leap Frog, Idaho is a culinary treasure that needs a unique product or two to become everyone’s favorite food store. Entering the crowded convention hall, Sam and Loretta are instantly overwhelmed by more than fifty extravagant booths displaying their exoti...

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“A Priest, A Rabbi, And A Minister Walk Into A Diner” by Michael Jefferson

Submitted to Contest #227

The ground was covered with snow by the time Virgil Vestoff got back to his office from the sales meeting. It was the kind of fender-bending, wet slop that demands the sacrifice of any moving vehicle foolish enough to challenge Mother Nature. “Where’d this stuff come from?” Virgil yells at his friend, Sheldon, who occupies the office next to his. Sheldon halts in front of Virgil’s office, his camel coat askew and his fedora barely tilted on his head. “It came out of nowhere. Everybody else in the office has already booked. I just heard we...

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“Click-Clack” by Michael Jefferson

Submitted to Contest #226

Chloride, Arizona 1880 The scorpion crawling over his face brings Dustin Racklin back to consciousness. Wheezing, and hacking up blood, Dustin realizes he’s near death. He recalls being ambushed, shot in the leg, side, and through the lungs by two sidewinders and a boy he called his kin. Dustin had robbed the one o’clock stage out of Jacinto along with Deke Drummond, Deuce Railey, and JoJo. The calculating, thirty-eight-year-old Deuce was a dandy, but also a master planner, and twenty-eight-year-old, foul-tempered Drummond lived to see...

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“I’ll Learn How to Bark” by Michael Jefferson

Submitted to Contest #225

The blind man and his collie sit passively, waiting for their flight to be called. Hans Gudeguest grins at the Swiss Air service agent as he pays for his ticket and checks his bags. In a little over eight hours, he’ll be back in his villa in Switzerland when his associates release sarin gas into the New York City subway system. He pauses at a souvenir shop, picking up an “I Love New York” cap. Checking out the fit in a mirror on the counter, he sees the blind man steal a glance at him. “You’re supposed to be blind, knucklehead,” the collie...

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“Living In A Dream” by Michael Jefferson

Submitted to Contest #224

Alec Rutchman jumps up in bed, surveying his surroundings. “Uh… I can’t sleep. Where am I?” The tail of the Felix the Cat clock swishes happily back and forth. The white floral tapestry Angelique worked on for six months hangs on the opposite side of the wall, framing the perfume bottles, lotions, and makeup on her dressing table. Home. He’s home. Angelique reaches down, stroking his hair. She worries about the dark circles under her husband’s eyes, and that their once bright blue hue has turned cloudy. Most of all, she fears Alec’s lack...

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“If You’re Quoting Me, That’ll Do” by Michael Jefferson

Submitted to Contest #223

For the past three years, California’s Tyson Tigers have been college baseball’s toothless pussy cats, with no wins in fifty-four games. When the Tigers start the current season winning ten in a row, freshman reporter Bertrum Cornell is assigned the task of demystifying the miracle. With a two-week deadline, Bertrum knows his debut article could either propel him to front-page feature writing or condemn him to writing horoscopes. As Bertrum watches the team from his seat along the first base line, the reason for the team’s success quickly b...

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“Ninety-Five Percent” by Michael Jefferson

Submitted to Contest #222

Dickie Ryder parks his HELP van on the shoulder behind the stranded Mercedes Benz. Pulling his Baltimore Oriole cap down to hide his boyish features, he steps out of the vehicle. Olive Rothchild, a wealthy real estate agent fretting over arriving late for her own dinner party, feels relieved when she sees a scruffy man in an army jacket and work boots ambling toward her. “Thank goodness you came along,” she says. “I’ve always thought that having an emergency repair vehicle along this long stretch of road was a good idea. I never thought I’...

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“The Faithful Dead” by Michael Jefferson

“Pickleball… I can’t believe we’re going to start a war over a game of pickleball,” Prime Minister Grat Dane says. “The Duke of Lorraine embarrassed his majesty,” Corvus, Alsace’s court magician replies. “You know how he gets when he feels someone’s made him look like a fool.” “He’s spoiled, just like his father. Gaylord has been in power for three years, and I never thought I’d say this, but I miss King Tarkanian. He may have liked racing turtles, had a collection of umbrellas, and wore women’s clothes, but at least he took his Adderall.”...

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“Tap Twice for Paradise” by Michael Jefferson

Submitted to Contest #220

Anson “Ace” Allison smiles as he turns over his cards. “Two queens, and a pair of tens.” Monty Moneymaker, Dimples Davidson, and Sid ‘the Shark’ Silverstein let out a trio of groans. “That’s three hands in a row,” the Shark whines in a nasal tone. “Even Wild Bill Hickok wasn’t that lucky.” “Actually, Wild Bill was very unlucky,” Ace points out. Davidson smiles, his dimples enhancing his playful nature. “I don’t know how you’re doing it Ace, but I know your cheating.” “Me? Don’t complain about my little streak. I know you count cards,...

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