Joe Smallwood

“Badlands Homecoming” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #251

The badlands had ceased expanding, and there was just enough food to support one or two researchers—well, maybe only one—and that would be me.The bishop had his hands full. A guard saw me into his office, and the bishop sat waiting behind a huge, salvaged desk between us.The desk, a marvel, held my gaze. Its rich, brown hue was a testament to its unique origin, a strange wood with a veneer of such smoothness, partially burned away, creating a mesmerizing play of colors. I couldn't help but wonder about the lives that were risked to retr...

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“Payback” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #250

I stole up to the back door like a drug dealer, searching for his stash. The porch was rotten, its railing swaying in the breeze. I steady it, thinking there is so much worth saving here. The wooden support beams are shot, I reckon. Nothing I built so long ago was ever done right.On this mousy night, the backlight plays to vehicular wreckage—dim nineties carcasses of everyone's pride and joy heaped together.“I’ll fix that one soon!” Johnny said six years ago. I'm still waiting on that! Could he rustle up more stolen garage queens to pay for ...

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“One_Up” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #250

Rodent! Liar! It was supposed to be fun, not this ridiculous foofaraw where I can’t patch in but only hear pronouncements. Anyone could do that!“I thought you were premium support and extra paid up! Instead™, you’re privacy-shading me!”"That other voice you paid for never had too much to say. But you must hand it to them when they invented Instead™. It was a game-changer, always keeping things interesting," replied One_Up. “You can count on me to stay ahead of it!”The concert hall was vintage 20th-century. No accoutrements, not Ghezi certifi...

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“Bless Me Father...” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #250

“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been forever since my last confession.” The words echo in the confessional, and I can't help but wonder if they carry beyond these walls. I had been to a good Catholic School run by nuns—Saint Monica on the Fields.I was happy there. The good sisters were good, not like those horror stories of religious people gone astray. But that’s not why I’m the only person in this 1960s church on a Saturday afternoon—far from it!I’m here to go to confession! Everything I say is spiritually overheard by everyon...

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“Gramps” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #249

It was the first day of school, and already there was a problem.I had no choice. I had to walk on the right side of the hallway, and Mrs. McCormick was on her left!I was walking backward to tell a joke to the gang of boys I was with when my head hit something soft. All hell broke loose.“Joey!” Mrs. McCormick exclaimed, shaking her dripping hands in disbelief. Her shocked expression was so apropos of her coffee spilling everywhere. It was one of those nasty white Styrofoam cups of minuscule capacity, a percolator brew, piping hot.“Sorry!...

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“Desperate Remedies” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #248

Dee flashed before me for a minute, his terrified look mirroring my own.“What?” he exclaimed before falling onto my new hardwood floors—the ones I had spent years saving for.I was good at saving up—I've been saving all my life. I always put off what could be done until tomorrow or next week. The years go by in what seems like a month, and then it's the new me! Ta-da! I fooled myself!Dee says I'm always fooling myself. We have the perfect marriage, and he’s always ahead of me. You’re such a mind reader! I told him one day. I meant it as a jok...

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“That Space Trip” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #247

I tried to make it work.How hard can it be when you don’t believe that time exists? Think of it. Here I am a (for lack of a better word) librarian responsible for late earth culture and whatnot, trying to process what exactly?That time does not exist.We are not far removed from the idea that existence is not real—except, of course, it is. Most people give up at this point, but not me. I have a job to do.I guess it is time for minutia. He is right before me while my mind is in the clouds. A simple question?“Mister, I heard that people visited...

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“Cue the Neighbor” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #246

Oh, you could talk me out of it if you seriously tried. I’m half expecting it. It’s a sideswipe away.As in something you never seriously do! Don’t you get it? Why do you always look at me that way? Like I don’t know what I am doing. Be serious for once!Systems analysts could problem-solve everything in half a second. Like I’m doing now. Whether they are human or not doesn’t matter. I don’t even know half the time!But look at it this way: you want a payoff, right? An Elationship? Perfect.Wuz! Slow tech! Five seconds till the sim payoff, and I...

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“Doolittle” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #245

Well, I hear you went up to Saratoga,And your horse naturally won,Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia,To see the total eclipse of the sun…-Carly SimonIt never would work, would it? 1972, 2017, and now 2024. Total Eclipse, hardly!Cloudy with a chance of meatballs! I was stewing. What would I do with all that product, bought at higher prices that seemed reasonable for the enormous crowds who would appear…Magically. Or not. The weather was dictating my fortunes. Weather! Of all things.“You do what you have to do!” explained Doolittle,...

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“It Was Never Going to Be My Life” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #244

I don’t know what made me do it—climbing that mountain trail in the middle of winter in British Columbia. It was not my home or province.If only my life could be more simple. Born in China, I was shipped to Canada for twenty thousand dollars to be adopted by well-meaning but clueless Canadians.Two of them were needed to hatch the plot: an unwanted female baby from some low-income family in an obscure Chinese province who had to live in Ontario before she even knew her own country or her biological parents; what a story for a podcast! Except ...

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“Dandelion Bouquet” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #243

Anyone who landed on that world never came back—or communicated. They were still alive. I mean, the bio readouts were working. So, it was not our fault. No matter how many committees of inquiry they held, we had nothing to do with it!It's funny how that goes. You go out into space, and you take everything with you: your beliefs, your ideas, your life. Adapting or changing for what is out there? That wasn’t supposed to happen!You wouldn’t catch me going there. I'm a support specialist. I support you. As in, I’m okay with what you want to do. ...

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“Artful Dodger” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #242

"Just steal someone, and then you are done!""A gallery patron? An exhibition attendee? A…”"Whatever!"We met by happenstance at the museum. Then, we were off to the gallery across the street. I thought things were going well, but something didn't click. Emily was done with me, and I had no clue why.My opening play for her attention was an imaginary escapade with a speeding getaway boat, confused gendarmeries in hot pursuit, and shots in the dark. My easy insults for modern art, "Anyone can do that!" and "Look at all the cracks on that one ove...

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“Perfection” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #235

“I mean, we’re in marketing, right? We should know what people want!”This restaurant must have the slowest service on the planet! The waiter was attentive, but lunch needed to arrive in the next five or we’d have to split! Here we were, Bob from Wiffle Industries, the joke being that all he sold was a bunch of piffle, me, outranking anyone ‘cause I work for this huge company that everyone has heard of and wants to do business with, and Emma, the no-nonsense kitchen specialist from Kitchener. Well, not so. She lives there, in sunny Ontariario...

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“The Last of the Melchuks” by Joe Smallwood

In a land far, far away, there lived the Melchuks, who were not like the Milchuks.Now, the Melchuks did their best to live properly. Whenever someone criticized a Melchuk, everyone would call that person a Milchuk. So, there were more and more Milchuks, which presented a problem.“I am right in the middle of it!” Sammy Melchuk said.“In the middle of what?” Buffy asked.“I don’t know what!” Sammy said.“You’re joking!” Buffy said. “That’s not funny.”“Is it?” Sammy said.“Why sure! You think you have a problem but can’t describe it!”“Buffy, w...

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“Eli Wilks” by Joe Smallwood

Submitted to Contest #234

“I lerve you! I do!”“Say what?”Where can you be and still know that someone cares? Time stretches out, and everything is a joke. You think you know what everyone knows until you don’t. And it isn’t so hard. To know what I know…“Do you want that cigarette or not?”It’s all lerve, don’t you know? Sure, I’ll take that cigarette. And everything else I can. Because it doesn’t matter whether I smoke or not, I’ll smoke if you want me to.“Do you need a light?”I’m always in the light. It shines all over me. I hardly know anything different. People say...

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