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James Offenhartz

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Aug, 2023

Stories (75)

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5 Followers

16 Following

75 Stories

46 karma pts

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The Gift?

James Offenhartz

I have men’s intuition.   Nobody’s heard of men’s intuition or maybe they have?   Think of it like “Gibb’s gut” from NCIS on CBS.   Something feels off.  I’m a medium/psychic so I would know.  It’s Christmas and it feels off.  Kind of like gaydar, but not gaydar.   It’s Christmas, I’m sober.   Everything should be good.   I’m home, got an alarm system, lights are on, but I have an inclination and every time I ignore my intu...

2 likes

Point Change

James Offenhartz

     I keep seeing it, monotonously, but not monotonously.   I can and can’t explain.  Both, neither, like yes and no and maybe at the same time.   Shrinks thinks it’s different things.   One says Alzheimer’s/Dementia, another says PTSD, the third says insomnia, and I got Rxes from all of them and now I’m more confused.  Just don’t send me back to the Looney Bin.  There were only two things good about that place:  1).  They...

1 like

Wish

James Offenhartz

"Be careful what you wish for, or should I say pray for, you just might get it." That's what they tell idiots, which 99 % of people are. They pray for money, it causes inflation, they pray to lose 50 lbs (lbs is short for pounds, since in astrology, libra holds scales), then, two months after plastic surgery, they eat what they ate before, and the wish was superfluous. Pray for power, but power shifts. Pray for food for everyone who's hungry and the ecology of the world gets fucked up and the world is overpopulated. Luckily, I'm smarter than...

1 like

Cat/Dog

James Offenhartz

Daddy keeps asking church engines weird things about me.  I see weird TVs and these TVs talk back to this owner and I don’t know what he’s talking about.   I’ve had different masters.  Three different masters.    Now, you might think that’s because I’m a bad dog, but it’s not.   I’m a good dog, shit just happens and I just have to roll in it.       Like one time, one of my owners had a fenced backyard.   Or “Invisible Fence...

1 like

Yellow cabs

James Offenhartz

Because I don’t know.   I don’t work here.   I can’t help.  I keep telling you this.   I’m not a car mechanic.   What you need is a car mechanic.   No, no.  I don’t want a car mechanic.   All I need is for you to come here, which is by the McDonald’s on Husky and Main and help me jump start my car.   It’ll just take you a minute.   Look.  I got other shit to do other than jump start your car every day.&n...

1 like

Psycho

James Offenhartz

What state am I in?   I’m in a state of confusion or state of emergency.  Can’t remember which.   If I came home and I saw the door was broken into.  What would I do?   I don’t have no home so I ain’t got to worry none about that.   Gotta worry about rain, sleet, hail, where to piss and shit so I ain’t arrested for indecent exposure again.   Gotta go out in a woods or rainforest or something.   Dig into dumpsters for left over shit t...

1 like

9

James Offenhartz

           January 5, 1996 Dear Auset, If only words could heal, I’d say I’m sorry in an instant.   I know I was in the wrong and I admit it, but I didn’t know that back then.  Back then, I was drinking, I was an . . . No, let me rephrase that, I am an alcoholic.   I’m working the twelve steps of Alcoholism and I’m up to step nine, which is:  “Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or o...

2 likes

Pots and Pans

James Offenhartz

I was kidnapped by that son-of-a-bitch.   Not that I knew his mother mind you, but this moron, Peter, captured me, in a glass bottle.   Where he got that bottle from or why he had it in the poppy garden I’ll never know.  Probably planned it, that son-of-a-bitch.   Then, he cast some spell which he got from some pot head: “Harry Pothead, Pot her,” something like that.   Why give Peter spells, potions, or bottles or anything for that matter?   Why couldn’t Pot...

1 like

Government Regulations

James Offenhartz

“This is Hell.  Welcome to Hell.”   I didn’t know that then, but I do now.   See, I moved out of Florida.   That wasn’t my decision.   I didn’t want it and still don’t.   At least one relative of mine is an asshole or maybe they’re all “wolves in sheep’s clothing”.   Who knows?   Who cares?   Think about this story like the show, Dragnet”.  The story is true, but the names have been changed to protect th...

1 like

Fucked

James Offenhartz

Fuck!   Fuck, fuck, fuck!   I know it’s not going to help anything.   About four more hours is what would help me.  Fuck!!   Go over the “P & S”?   Why?   It won’t make a goddamn bit of difference.  We’re totally fucked, motherfucker.   Fuck!      Swearing won’t help anything?  Nothing will help anything.   It’s like saying to the Jews in the Holocaust to pray ...

0 likes

Rats

James Offenhartz

Rats It’s not just an expression I say when things go wrong.   It’s an expression of fear.   I see them in corners, in walls, under the house.   Small black dotted eyes creeping out to see if it’s safe to steal scraps on the floor.   I’ve put out glue traps, noise repellents, hired pesticide companies.   And not the cheap bullshit kind either.   The kind that sprays my home with rat poison and makes me stay in a motel for three days and guarantees resul...

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Crazy

James Offenhartz

Dear Pussy,  This is weird; a diary.   I’ve never written a diary before.  I’m 68, white, a woman.   A single woman.   Remember the movie, “What women want”?   Had some tough guy in it.   Maybe that’s what a diary is supposed to be about.   Oh, yeah, the reason I call you a pussy is because in “The Diary of Anne Frank,” she calls her diary, “Kitty,” and I didn’t want to steal from her, so  I’m calling you Pussy.  &nbsp...

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Drunk

James Offenhartz

I’m not going to drink today.  Look, I know life sucks, but having a drink won’t help.  Damn it.  There are certain major changes that happen in a person’s life.  Puberty, graduation (high school and college), marriage, children, grandchildren, purchasing a house, purchasing a car, but I had to get sober to get my GED, not even a high school diploma, since I was kicked out of high school, but more about that later.  The real question is will any of this shit help me with the amount of time I have left.  What?&nb...

1 like

The Light.

James Offenhartz

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw the light, but it was scary.   Yeah, I felt the loving, but that could be a trick, like kidnappers using candy to get the kid in the van.  I’m no fool.  I’m staying here with my wife and kids.  They be acting weird around me, but not half as weird as that fucking light, man.        What you mean I should go back there and go into that motherfucking light, man?   What you out of your head?   You’re a mediu...

2 likes

Pregnant Pause

James Offenhartz

Have we met before? Your memory decrescendoed    Does that mean yes or no? Tell me what you think.   (A pregnant pause.   If the reader doesn’t know what that means, look up the word pregnant in the dictionary or dictionary.com) I think I don’t understand the word decrescendo means.   Ok, then what do you do for a living? Answer my question first.  What does decrescendo mean? Fine. Decrescendo means to slowly decrease in volume.   Did you understand decrease? Yes.&nbs...

1 like