James Offenhartz

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Aug, 2023

Stories (37)

37 Stories

17 karma pts

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“Diary” by James Offenhartz

Dear Diary, I’m scared about tomorrow. I know it’ll be controlled, but I’m still scared. Sue me. I had to sign disclaimers saying I wouldn’t sue them and I did and I’m going to go through with it in the interest of anthropology, science, religion, hell, in the interest of everything and everyone, but I’m still scared. I have to go through with it in the interest of science. What’s the worst that could happen? I’ll die? No, that’s not. I already know that...

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“Work” by James Offenhartz

Work first, play later. That’s my life motto. Work. My main job as a husband and a father is to bring in the dough. Pay the bills. I’m a lawyer and my clients can call me twenty-four seven. Forget what kind of attorney I am, my clients come first. If I’m with my kid and we’re at Chuck E Cheese’s and everyone’s having fun, we’re all singing happy birthday and the fucking phone rings I politely excuse myself and help my client...

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“Moll Toe Cock Tail” by James Offenhartz

The gods have two eyes and they’re always open. Always, except every two hundred years or so. See, then, for about five minutes the male god and the female god have sex and they cover each other’s light and they don’t know what we humans be doing. See, that’s how all us humans be created; the boy sun and girl moon mated and this planet, animals, bugs, everything be born. But, the gods still be horny and still fuck each other and then, when the gods ain’t watching, we be free to do whatever we want. There b...

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“Master Plan ” by James Offenhartz

This is once in a lifetime. Everyone has their cameras or phone cameras. Some scared, went in underground shelters. Wimps. Some went to church. But, along with the armed forces, we were here to witness history or herstory, depending on what happens. So many predictions. Bombings, viruses, anything. Anything can happen. But, they come and the armed forces are here. And nothing happens. Their ship sit...

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“PB” by James Offenhartz

So, Mommy and Daddy are out for the night. They went to have romantic dinner and were stuck here with a babysitter again. We don’t even need no babysitter. I’m 12 and my sister’s 15. Why we need a babysitter. Something about laws, neglect, or some bullshit. But the babysitter doesn’t do much. She cooks some for us, which is ok and has a stupid sheet to call if there’s an emergency. There’s no eme...

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“erotica?” by James Offenhartz

It was a sad day. That's an understatement. Imagine losing two families at one time so you could live with your biological family who didn't want you. It was that kind of day. No food in the refridgerator, maxed out credit cards, unable to pay rent, this is bottom. May you never be here. So, I e-mailed the person in charge of my first family where I'd met my girlfriend. She's sweet and a great cook. She makes delicious things like seven-layer salad and things in a crock pot. After I e-mailed ...

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“Materialism” by James Offenhartz

They got a patent on it at moved it to Israel and they're working on setting up the metal detectors. Of course they are. Hell, they might even put it at the Wailing Wall. Great idea, right? Look, it is a great invention, a telephone to communicate with the dead, but any time someone invents something, something bad is done with it by evil bastards. Look at how much evil has been done through electricity, the nuclear bomb. You don't care though, be...

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Author bio

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