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James Offenhartz

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Aug, 2023

Stories (86)

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5 Followers

16 Following

86 Stories

51 karma pts

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Letting it Go

James Offenhartz

You’ve failed and you’ve lost your credentials. It’s over. There are other churches where you can get your credentials. Let it go. Start again somewhere else. Maybe give up being a member of the church. Yes, I know you’ve invested tons of time and money in it, but you fucked up, so let it go. Just let it go and start over somewhere else with someone else. Think of it like a burnt steak or a pickle. You can’t unburn a steak. You can’t unpickle it back to a cucumber. But you can buy another cucumber or a new steak. That’s wh...

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A Family Meal Restaurant Menu

James Offenhartz

Appetizers Small TalkThis is a great way to start before the main argument of the night. Choose from a wide variety of bullshit like the weather, how the dogs or kids are doing, your favorite sports team, local news, unimportant things of all variety. If you don’t see the bullshit you’re looking for, ask your server. Jokes These jokes are are old classics. If they’re stale, tell your server, and they can ask Sierri for a joke or look upa Dad joke for and get ready to groan. For an extra groan, ask for a new Dad joke. It’ll even make...

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Solitary confinement

James Offenhartz

You know what, I quit, everything, period. I’m burnt out, so I quit. I quit everything. It’s not because you did anything, it’s just. No, I’m not angry. I know I made a commitment, but I didn’t sign anything. I’m under no legal obligation to . . . But I need to . . . I haven’t slept in five days. I quit. How would I feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Do you want to trade places? I’m in too many clubs and I don’t know which to drop because everyone’s counting on me, but . . . Yes, I know. What about the organizations w...

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Agent

James Offenhartz

Because I’m the one who can get your story off the fucking pile. Without me, your manuscript will sit on the pile for months, maybe years. That’s why you need me and I have coffee with publishing houses. No, I know you can’t talk to a house, I talked to the people who work in the publishing houses and I see and ask what they’re looking for and that’s how people like you get published. By paying a meager 15% of the contract I can get you with someone like Random House or Penguin or any other New York House. The coffee you’re paying for...

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Morons

James Offenhartz

I didn’t have a choice. I never have a choice. Welcome to America, “The land of the fees and the home of the slave”. See, this is how America is, not what they tell you in the fairy tales and on the streets. The real America. You pay someone to take you over here because you’re living in Hell. Out of the frying pan and into “Dente’s inferno”. I must have been a lawyer in my last life. The land of opportunity. Here, I could get my brother a chair like there are free chairs everywhere. Free chairs on streets paved with gold. They don’t tell yo...

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Bodo BOGO

James Offenhartz

I don’t understand. You don’t understand what I don’t understand, but that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t understand. See, what happens is they come from another country. Now, of course, everyone will accuse me of being xenophobic, but I’m not xenophobic, I just don’t understand. See, they come from other countries to live “The American Dream”. Then, instead of figuring out what they can do to help others with their dreams, which is something an altruist would do, they think they’ll mine gold or it’ll rain diamonds or I don’t...

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Fucked

James Offenhartz

Fuck. Damn it. Motherfucker. It can’t get worse. No, wait. It can. Don’t give God that test. It can always get worse. Remember, I still have my vision, my toes, my boobs, for now. Problems, lots of them. Could pan handle, mug rich people, if I get arrested, I’ll have food, shelter l, clean clothes. It’ll be orange, but clean. Then, I’ll never get a job. Who’s going to hire a stinky bum who needs a haircut. No resume. Could train for shit through VR. At least there I could have sex again. Lesbian sex but I’ll take what I can get. Motherfucker...

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Hell On Earth

James Offenhartz

Just what everyone wants, never. You have a degree and we aren’t just talking about high school. You have a BS degree in the liberal arts. But, I hear you say, ‘there are no BS degrees in the liberal arts. There are only BAs, BFAs, MAs, MFAs,and pH D.s. And I’m here to tell you, you’re wrong; all the liberal art degrees are BS. Otherwise you wouldn’t be living back home with your parents. But, they have a great idea, they’ll put you in a community college, since it’s cheap, and you’ll get another BS degree in something you can make m...

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Why?

James Offenhartz

Wow. This was a long time ago. I’m surprised it existed at all. Or maybe it didn’t. This is a work of art. But it’s not on the continuum. Maybe it’s in the fourth dimension. Or in a parallel universe. A) the fourth dimension B) a parallel universe, C) inside psychedelic drugs? It didn’t exist in the past, it’s not present, and unlikely in the future. Remember the Fiala comic: “God can’t do what?” If I had gone on the internship I could’ve got that dream job and worked in a book store. No, legal guardian logic...

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Slice of Whipped Cream.

James Offenhartz

It’s not blood, it’s lipstick. Regular, ordinary, everyday lipstick. Look, there’s a tip jar, I can do slap stick, knock, knock jokes, circus bits, or what do you want to see, kid? Very funny. That’s not something I do. That’s not something I’d ever do. Look, I’m here to have fun in a child friendly way. Yes, I want to make money, but that would give a bad name to . . . How much? And you’d pay me in cash? America cash? Not Jamaican cash, right? And you’d let me wear makeup. That was a stupid question. What abo...

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Rarely Rational

James Offenhartz

Hypsophobia. That’s what I have. I’m hypsophobic and I’ve gone to different shrinks for help, but I still have hypsophobia. Maybe you never heard of hypsophobia before. Hypsophobia is the fear of heights. And no, there was no drama with heights when I was young, I didn’t see someone fall and I didn’t fall. I had the falling dream (all kids have the falling dream), but I look down and I worry I’ll slip and there’ll be no support. No, I always felt supported in an emotional, spiritual, psychological, etc. way in my home, I’m just afra...

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Time

James Offenhartz

What time is it?“It’s Howdy Doody Time “No. What time is it?“4:30. It’s not late. No, no, it’s early. Early.”The things is, time is an illusion or is it an allusion. Doesn’t matter. A timer on a plane going 500 mph goes slower than a timer on the ground or is it the opposite way?“Energy = mass times the speed of light squared” or “E =MC2”And think about mediums and/or psychics. “A psychic attuned to the vibrations of the universe and a medium, although able to attune to those same vibrations, attuned to spirit entities. A medium can be a psy...

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A cage

James Offenhartz

“This is Hell. Welcome to Hell.” Or as Alanis Morissette says, “Why are you so petrified of silence? Here, can you handle this?” I could handle it. I’d give my left arm for it. If I stay in my room, I hear my neighbor say, “I farted. I upchucked. It’s stinky. It’s pungent,” at full volume. God, give my neighbor laryngitis. Or let me lose my hearing so I can escape this cacophony. “Be Careful What You Pray For, You Just Might Get It”. But, I can hear what the reader is thinking: Why don’t you just leave your room...

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Juxtaposition

James Offenhartz

Wait, they’re there, right?   No?   Then I’m a medium?   Not exactly.   Mediumship is like pregnancy, you’re either a medium or you’re not.   What if I’m in a cusp or on a cusp or something.   Think about “Row, row, row your boat”.   For all we know, Earth could be the dream and the dreams could be reality or they could both be real or both fake.   You don’t know that.        Yes, I a...

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The Universe, Aphasia.

James Offenhartz

Some idiot is in front of me with a sheet of paper that says . . . .Universal Aphasia.  I’ve never heard of that.  Hell, I didn’t even know Universes had names.  I knew planets had names and in the Marvel Universe and for Ph D. students there are parallel universes, “buy does that mean I’m in a different Universe called Aphasia.  Did Scotty, “Beam me, Up”.  Maybe I’m dreaming or lucid dreaming or something.  So, I ask this idiot to take me to his (her?) leader.  They just shrug their shoulders, shake their ...

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