James Offenhartz

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Aug, 2023

Stories (53)

53 Stories

32 karma pts

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“Pots and Pans” by James Offenhartz

I was kidnapped by that son-of-a-bitch.   Not that I knew his mother mind you, but this moron, Peter, captured me, in a glass bottle.   Where he got that bottle from or why he had it in the poppy garden I’ll never know.  Probably planned it, that son-of-a-bitch.   Then, he cast some spell which he got from some pot head: “Harry Pothead, Pot her,” something like that.   Why give Peter spells, potions, or bottles or anything for that matter?   Why couldn’t Pot...

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“Government Regulations ” by James Offenhartz

“This is Hell.  Welcome to Hell.”   I didn’t know that then, but I do now.   See, I moved out of Florida.   That wasn’t my decision.   I didn’t want it and still don’t.   At least one relative of mine is an asshole or maybe they’re all “wolves in sheep’s clothing”.   Who knows?   Who cares?   Think about this story like the show, Dragnet”.  The story is true, but the names have been changed to protect th...

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“Fucked” by James Offenhartz

Fuck!   Fuck, fuck, fuck!   I know it’s not going to help anything.   About four more hours is what would help me.  Fuck!!   Go over the “P & S”?   Why?   It won’t make a goddamn bit of difference.  We’re totally fucked, motherfucker.   Fuck!      Swearing won’t help anything?  Nothing will help anything.   It’s like saying to the Jews in the Holocaust to pray ...

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“Rats” by James Offenhartz

Rats It’s not just an expression I say when things go wrong.   It’s an expression of fear.   I see them in corners, in walls, under the house.   Small black dotted eyes creeping out to see if it’s safe to steal scraps on the floor.   I’ve put out glue traps, noise repellents, hired pesticide companies.   And not the cheap bullshit kind either.   The kind that sprays my home with rat poison and makes me stay in a motel for three days and guarantees resul...

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“Crazy ” by James Offenhartz

Dear Pussy,  This is weird; a diary.   I’ve never written a diary before.  I’m 68, white, a woman.   A single woman.   Remember the movie, “What women want”?   Had some tough guy in it.   Maybe that’s what a diary is supposed to be about.   Oh, yeah, the reason I call you a pussy is because in “The Diary of Anne Frank,” she calls her diary, “Kitty,” and I didn’t want to steal from her, so  I’m calling you Pussy.   ...

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“Drunk” by James Offenhartz

I’m not going to drink today.  Look, I know life sucks, but having a drink won’t help.  Damn it.  There are certain major changes that happen in a person’s life.  Puberty, graduation (high school and college), marriage, children, grandchildren, purchasing a house, purchasing a car, but I had to get sober to get my GED, not even a high school diploma, since I was kicked out of high school, but more about that later.  The real question is will any of this shit help me with the amount of time I have left.  What?&nb...

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“The Light. ” by James Offenhartz

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw the light, but it was scary.   Yeah, I felt the loving, but that could be a trick, like kidnappers using candy to get the kid in the van.  I’m no fool.  I’m staying here with my wife and kids.  They be acting weird around me, but not half as weird as that fucking light, man.        What you mean I should go back there and go into that motherfucking light, man?   What you out of your head?   You’re a mediu...

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“Pregnant Pause ” by James Offenhartz

Have we met before? Your memory decrescendoed    Does that mean yes or no? Tell me what you think.   (A pregnant pause.   If the reader doesn’t know what that means, look up the word pregnant in the dictionary or dictionary.com) I think I don’t understand the word decrescendo means.   Ok, then what do you do for a living? Answer my question first.  What does decrescendo mean? Fine. Decrescendo means to slowly decrease in volume.   Did you understand decrease? Yes.&nbs...

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“O y” by James Offenhartz

First, take flour, water, and 10 eggs and whisk them together in a bowl.   If you need a mechanical whisk, please contact us.   Whisk it with all the anger in your heart.   Remember all the work you’re doing for a fucking meal that’ll last about 1 hour.   That’s it.   You’ll get to the goddamn rolling pin later.   So, make the bowl in the middle using enough flour.  You know, if you don’t use flour, butter, and spam, it’ll stick to the pan lik...

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“Fluffy. ” by James Offenhartz

It’s a teddy bear.   It helps me sleep at night.   I get so lonely at night and I don’t have a dog yet or a girlfriend.   So, I sleep with my teddy bear.   I’ve talked to my friends and most of them have teddy bears, too.  For the same reasons.  Sometimes I really need a hug.   Like one time, I woke up at 2:15 am, ‘cause I had a nightmare and I needed a hug, but everyone in my family was asleep.  So, I picked up Fluffy and hugged him tigh...

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“Sorry” by James Offenhartz

Because I didn’t know it would lead to this.  Do you think that if I knew it would lead up to this, I would have. . .   Wait a minute, I’m fucking this up again, aren’t I?  Of course I am.   I’m sorry.  If I’d have known it would lead up to this, I wouldn’t have done this.   I’m sorry.   I’m sorry I did this.  I’m sorry it separated us, I’m sorry it made you have to live with your parents and I’m sorry your parents are abusive.  &nbs...

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“Oxy” by James Offenhartz

Everybody wants that. Everybody prays for that but almost nobody ever gets it.  It’s a pipe dream.  It’s michigas.   It’s bullshit.   You know where they get all this money?   They get it from morons like you who order shit from their catalogs and buys their stupid lotto tickets.       Hey, Sierra.  What are the chances of winning the goddamn Mega Millions?   It said “one out of 302,575,350.   In other w...

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“Fuck” by James Offenhartz

What?   You idiot.  Why write a story where we get sick?   Why not write a story where we win the Publisher’s Clearance House or the goddamn lottery.   That’s the stories you should be writing, not shit about viruses.   Why the fuck would we want to get viruses or bacteria or anything that makes us sick?   Idiot.      Maybe you need me to write the outline?   Then, you could write it, right?   Subco...

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“IQ” by James Offenhartz

I’m going to the middle of fucking nowhere to meet some moron genius who I’ve never met before.   That’s what it’s like being a journalist.   It sucks.   Oh, yeah.   Travel the world, experience new unknown lands and cover catastrophes.  Fun, fun, fun.   Should’ve been a gynecologist or a golfer.   Golfers travel to fun places and get to party if they win.   I just get padded down at all the fucking aeroports and have to worry a...

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“HB428” by James Offenhartz

My fellow classmates.   Today I’m going to be making the persuasive speech about Ohio House Bill 428.   This House Bill is long and, in my opinion, ridiculous.   This House Bill states that a stripper has to be at least four feet away from any customer, must have at least 4 articles of clothing, there can be no holes in the wall where pornography is shown, and a lot of other bullshit that would put the adult entertainment industry out of business.   But, it would have to pass congre...

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