James Offenhartz

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Aug, 2023

Stories (46)

46 Stories

27 karma pts

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“Pregnant Pause ” by James Offenhartz

Have we met before? Your memory decrescendoed    Does that mean yes or no? Tell me what you think.   (A pregnant pause.   If the reader doesn’t know what that means, look up the word pregnant in the dictionary or dictionary.com) I think I don’t understand the word decrescendo means.   Ok, then what do you do for a living? Answer my question first.  What does decrescendo mean? Fine. Decrescendo means to slowly decrease in volume.   Did you understand decrease? Yes.&nbs...

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“O y” by James Offenhartz

First, take flour, water, and 10 eggs and whisk them together in a bowl.   If you need a mechanical whisk, please contact us.   Whisk it with all the anger in your heart.   Remember all the work you’re doing for a fucking meal that’ll last about 1 hour.   That’s it.   You’ll get to the goddamn rolling pin later.   So, make the bowl in the middle using enough flour.  You know, if you don’t use flour, butter, and spam, it’ll stick to the pan lik...

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“Fluffy. ” by James Offenhartz

It’s a teddy bear.   It helps me sleep at night.   I get so lonely at night and I don’t have a dog yet or a girlfriend.   So, I sleep with my teddy bear.   I’ve talked to my friends and most of them have teddy bears, too.  For the same reasons.  Sometimes I really need a hug.   Like one time, I woke up at 2:15 am, ‘cause I had a nightmare and I needed a hug, but everyone in my family was asleep.  So, I picked up Fluffy and hugged him tigh...

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“Sorry” by James Offenhartz

Because I didn’t know it would lead to this.  Do you think that if I knew it would lead up to this, I would have. . .   Wait a minute, I’m fucking this up again, aren’t I?  Of course I am.   I’m sorry.  If I’d have known it would lead up to this, I wouldn’t have done this.   I’m sorry.   I’m sorry I did this.  I’m sorry it separated us, I’m sorry it made you have to live with your parents and I’m sorry your parents are abusive.  &nbs...

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“Oxy” by James Offenhartz

Everybody wants that. Everybody prays for that but almost nobody ever gets it.  It’s a pipe dream.  It’s michigas.   It’s bullshit.   You know where they get all this money?   They get it from morons like you who order shit from their catalogs and buys their stupid lotto tickets.       Hey, Sierra.  What are the chances of winning the goddamn Mega Millions?   It said “one out of 302,575,350.   In other w...

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“Fuck” by James Offenhartz

What?   You idiot.  Why write a story where we get sick?   Why not write a story where we win the Publisher’s Clearance House or the goddamn lottery.   That’s the stories you should be writing, not shit about viruses.   Why the fuck would we want to get viruses or bacteria or anything that makes us sick?   Idiot.      Maybe you need me to write the outline?   Then, you could write it, right?   Subco...

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“IQ” by James Offenhartz

I’m going to the middle of fucking nowhere to meet some moron genius who I’ve never met before.   That’s what it’s like being a journalist.   It sucks.   Oh, yeah.   Travel the world, experience new unknown lands and cover catastrophes.  Fun, fun, fun.   Should’ve been a gynecologist or a golfer.   Golfers travel to fun places and get to party if they win.   I just get padded down at all the fucking aeroports and have to worry a...

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“HB428” by James Offenhartz

My fellow classmates.   Today I’m going to be making the persuasive speech about Ohio House Bill 428.   This House Bill is long and, in my opinion, ridiculous.   This House Bill states that a stripper has to be at least four feet away from any customer, must have at least 4 articles of clothing, there can be no holes in the wall where pornography is shown, and a lot of other bullshit that would put the adult entertainment industry out of business.   But, it would have to pass congre...

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“Solutions ” by James Offenhartz

I want everyone to love me, but nobody does.   It seems natural; to want love.   Every kid wants to love and to be loved.  Its natural.   Maybe others are like me.  Wanting to be loved.   See, maybe when I grow up, I could start a club and call it, “The Love Club,” and I’d be the President of “The Love Club” and they’d do whatever I said ‘cause if they didn’t, I wouldn’t love them.   Hell, I’d make them kill anyone who doesn’t love me or hug me in ...

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“Conspirators ” by James Offenhartz

Nah, that’s all bullshit.   There ain’t no gaps in no ozone.   The extreme leftists made it up so we’d be dependent on foreign oil instead of drilling in the US.   Bastards.   Yea.   It’s the hottest day of the year.   Every time it’s hot, people think the ozone is gone.  Every time it’s cold, they think the Earth’s going away from the sun.   Sometimes it’s just the fucking weather people and it ain’t our fault. Morons. &nb...

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“Thanks” by James Offenhartz

Thank you journal?   What the fucking hell good would that do?   Oh, yeah.   That’s gotta be the solution.   You know as a CEO, I don’t have enough shit on my plate, let’s add more?   How long have you beend a shrink?   Sorry.  Psychiatrist?   And you still think a gratitude log would help me?   What?   A story?   No, I don’t want a sthory, I want to stop feeling like shit.  ...

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“Weird” by James Offenhartz

Wow.   This is an interesting AANR event, almost surreal.   Wait, maybe the reader doesn’t know what AANR is.   It’s the American Association of Nude Recreation.   But, this AANR is different, weird different.  The rules are gone.   Nobody’s using towels.   And there’s an unspoken rule that people shouldn’t touch each other unless they’re related.  But, people are touching, like crazy.   It’s also unusual to have alcoh...

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“Oy” by James Offenhartz

Is somebody going to say it?   Come on?   Anybody?    Yes, I realize it’s a holy word, the one and only true name of G-d, but somebody’s got to say it eventually.   Yes, I realize you can only say it in context, like the name of the Scottish Play by William Shakespeare.   No, that word is unholy and should never be spoken, except in context of the play.   Just like the word you won’t say of G-d, nobody says the name of the Scottish Play.  ...

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“Skeptic ” by James Offenhartz

That doesn’t make sense.   Can’t be.   Someone’s playing a practical joke.   There is no evidence of extraterrestrial life.   It’s bullshit and a waste of tax dollars.   Yes, I realize it was captured on an advanced digital camera, but I don’t believe in aliens.   I’ve debunked all the bullshit tv shows.        Alien saucers in the window are reflections of the chandelier in the window.   Noises peo...

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“Geraldo” by James Offenhartz

No shit Small brown dog enters from stage right and goes to front stage center.   The dog (named Ralph) looks at the audience and waves his right paw.   (Pause for audience response).  Then, the tech person plays a recording of a small girl saying in a sad voice: Gloria:   Geraldo.    Come here, girl.   Where are you?   I got a yummy treat if you come to Mommy.   Come here, Geraldo.   (Gloria whistles a call to G...

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