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James Offenhartz

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Aug, 2023

Stories (82)

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5 Followers

16 Following

82 Stories

48 karma pts

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Morons

James Offenhartz

I didn’t have a choice. I never have a choice. Welcome to America, “The land of the fees and the home of the slave”. See, this is how America is, not what they tell you in the fairy tales and on the streets. The real America. You pay someone to take you over here because you’re living in Hell. Out of the frying pan and into “Dente’s inferno”. I must have been a lawyer in my last life. The land of opportunity. Here, I could get my brother a chair like there are free chairs everywhere. Free chairs on streets paved with gold. They don’t tell yo...

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Bodo BOGO

James Offenhartz

I don’t understand. You don’t understand what I don’t understand, but that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t understand. See, what happens is they come from another country. Now, of course, everyone will accuse me of being xenophobic, but I’m not xenophobic, I just don’t understand. See, they come from other countries to live “The American Dream”. Then, instead of figuring out what they can do to help others with their dreams, which is something an altruist would do, they think they’ll mine gold or it’ll rain diamonds or I don’t...

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Fucked

James Offenhartz

Fuck. Damn it. Motherfucker. It can’t get worse. No, wait. It can. Don’t give God that test. It can always get worse. Remember, I still have my vision, my toes, my boobs, for now. Problems, lots of them. Could pan handle, mug rich people, if I get arrested, I’ll have food, shelter l, clean clothes. It’ll be orange, but clean. Then, I’ll never get a job. Who’s going to hire a stinky bum who needs a haircut. No resume. Could train for shit through VR. At least there I could have sex again. Lesbian sex but I’ll take what I can get. Motherfucker...

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Hell On Earth

James Offenhartz

Just what everyone wants, never. You have a degree and we aren’t just talking about high school. You have a BS degree in the liberal arts. But, I hear you say, ‘there are no BS degrees in the liberal arts. There are only BAs, BFAs, MAs, MFAs,and pH D.s. And I’m here to tell you, you’re wrong; all the liberal art degrees are BS. Otherwise you wouldn’t be living back home with your parents. But, they have a great idea, they’ll put you in a community college, since it’s cheap, and you’ll get another BS degree in something you can make m...

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Why?

James Offenhartz

Wow. This was a long time ago. I’m surprised it existed at all. Or maybe it didn’t. This is a work of art. But it’s not on the continuum. Maybe it’s in the fourth dimension. Or in a parallel universe. A) the fourth dimension B) a parallel universe, C) inside psychedelic drugs? It didn’t exist in the past, it’s not present, and unlikely in the future. Remember the Fiala comic: “God can’t do what?” If I had gone on the internship I could’ve got that dream job and worked in a book store. No, legal guardian logic...

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Slice of Whipped Cream.

James Offenhartz

It’s not blood, it’s lipstick. Regular, ordinary, everyday lipstick. Look, there’s a tip jar, I can do slap stick, knock, knock jokes, circus bits, or what do you want to see, kid? Very funny. That’s not something I do. That’s not something I’d ever do. Look, I’m here to have fun in a child friendly way. Yes, I want to make money, but that would give a bad name to . . . How much? And you’d pay me in cash? America cash? Not Jamaican cash, right? And you’d let me wear makeup. That was a stupid question. What abo...

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Rarely Rational

James Offenhartz

Hypsophobia. That’s what I have. I’m hypsophobic and I’ve gone to different shrinks for help, but I still have hypsophobia. Maybe you never heard of hypsophobia before. Hypsophobia is the fear of heights. And no, there was no drama with heights when I was young, I didn’t see someone fall and I didn’t fall. I had the falling dream (all kids have the falling dream), but I look down and I worry I’ll slip and there’ll be no support. No, I always felt supported in an emotional, spiritual, psychological, etc. way in my home, I’m just afra...

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Time

James Offenhartz

What time is it?“It’s Howdy Doody Time “No. What time is it?“4:30. It’s not late. No, no, it’s early. Early.”The things is, time is an illusion or is it an allusion. Doesn’t matter. A timer on a plane going 500 mph goes slower than a timer on the ground or is it the opposite way?“Energy = mass times the speed of light squared” or “E =MC2”And think about mediums and/or psychics. “A psychic attuned to the vibrations of the universe and a medium, although able to attune to those same vibrations, attuned to spirit entities. A medium can be a psy...

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A cage

James Offenhartz

“This is Hell. Welcome to Hell.” Or as Alanis Morissette says, “Why are you so petrified of silence? Here, can you handle this?” I could handle it. I’d give my left arm for it. If I stay in my room, I hear my neighbor say, “I farted. I upchucked. It’s stinky. It’s pungent,” at full volume. God, give my neighbor laryngitis. Or let me lose my hearing so I can escape this cacophony. “Be Careful What You Pray For, You Just Might Get It”. But, I can hear what the reader is thinking: Why don’t you just leave your room...

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Juxtaposition

James Offenhartz

Wait, they’re there, right?   No?   Then I’m a medium?   Not exactly.   Mediumship is like pregnancy, you’re either a medium or you’re not.   What if I’m in a cusp or on a cusp or something.   Think about “Row, row, row your boat”.   For all we know, Earth could be the dream and the dreams could be reality or they could both be real or both fake.   You don’t know that.        Yes, I a...

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The Universe, Aphasia.

James Offenhartz

Some idiot is in front of me with a sheet of paper that says . . . .Universal Aphasia.  I’ve never heard of that.  Hell, I didn’t even know Universes had names.  I knew planets had names and in the Marvel Universe and for Ph D. students there are parallel universes, “buy does that mean I’m in a different Universe called Aphasia.  Did Scotty, “Beam me, Up”.  Maybe I’m dreaming or lucid dreaming or something.  So, I ask this idiot to take me to his (her?) leader.  They just shrug their shoulders, shake their ...

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Clue of the Wooden Puppet

James Offenhartz

Clue of the wooden puppet Yes, I know it needs work.  Ok, it needs a lot of work, but can you fix it? Yes, I’ve been working at this craft for over 30 years.   I can fix it.   Are there any specific concerns you have and what’s the deadline?   Or is there a deadline?   I need it within six months.   Six months is doable.   Other than aesthetics, are there any specifics you want to fix?   Or, maybe I should say what would you like to have ...

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A window in Time.

James Offenhartz

“First time on an airplane or maybe you pronounce it, aeroplane, doesn’t matter.  Welcome aboard.   How’re you doing, today?”   They think I be stupid, ‘cause I be young and don’t talk good.   Say I’m LD, but don’t know what LD be.   Think it be name for records they be putting on turntables, but I’m not no record.  Sometimes Mommy says I be sounding like a record that be scratched or broken, but I don’t know what she be meaning by that.   So, tell...

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Idiot Wish

James Offenhartz

This is the end of all racism or maybe all isms, right?   Yeah, right.   This won’t work in a billion years.   Everyone’s going to hate you and not just the artists, animators, film makers, everybody.   You’re an idiot      But think of the Silverstein poem?   That was made for kids, stupid kids.   It’s not going to make everything right. It’s made everything wrong.   And think about driving, flying, biking, ...

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Bbophbv

James Offenhartz

I’m an addict, but it’s hugs.  I need hugs.  But it’s more than that.   See, there are all these different types of hugs.  There’s the head-on hug, where two people walk or run towards each other and give each other a hug, and then sometimes they’ll let me hold on to them in the hug for thirty seconds or so and it feels like the antithesis of loneliness.  Wonder if there’s a word for that in English.   Thesaurus.com gave shitty antonyms for lonely like . . . I forgot ‘caus...

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