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James Offenhartz

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Aug, 2023

Stories (67)

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4 Followers

16 Following

67 Stories

37 karma pts

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Those Three Magic Words

James Offenhartz

“Remember, don’t say those three words or the name of the Scottish Play,” I said. “But, why? We’ve been dating for three months and I . . .” She said. “Don’t say it,” I said, “And you know why . . .The Spell”. “Thesbians are weird. There is no spell. Nothing’ll happen if I say . . .” she said. “Let’s talk about something else, please. How about those Eagles?” he said. “I’m not into sports and you know that,”. She said. “Ok...

1 like

Midnight Your in a Nation.

James Offenhartz

This room is unfamiliar. I don’t know how I got here. Where’s my mom, dad, Jill, or Airy. Airy’s the dog, but maybe you knew that. White walls. Doesn’t make sense. I’ve never had white walls. Always teal or light green. Never white. But, that’s not what I’m thinking about. I look at my wrist and my watch is missing. Someone at school stole my watch? Anyway, I’ll figure that out in a minute.&nbs...

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Psychic Meteorology.

James Offenhartz

Because I can or maybe it’s we can or I plural can. It’s hard to explain cause it’s easy. It’s so easy a dog could do it, but dogs can’t do it because dogs mirror humans and most humans can’t do it or, that’s wrong. Goddamn it, it’s easier to show you than explain it to you. Let’s try it a different way. You can see auras, right? You can’t. I thought everyone could see auras. Ok, well, feel by this table, can you feel that? Really...

2 likes

Milestones

James Offenhartz

I just don’t care anymore. I know I should care, but I don’t. No, wait, maybe that’s wrong. Or maybe it’s like a callus. The skin on our bodies that toughens with exercise or use. Like a drummer or a gymnasts’ hands. You know? When I was in the ALC, the first three times my friends died, I cried, but after 60 deaths of old people, I calloused, because if I didn’t, it would be like my heart going through a shredder. &nbs...

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Memes

James Offenhartz

This is impossible. No one could do this, ever. It’s impossible. Fuck! The news station says the inferno is coming closer. Why didn’t we vote for the goddamn water reservoir. That would have solved this. Dumbass tax breaks from Republican morons. Oh, no, let’s not spend money unnecessarily on fire safety in a place that has fires every fucking year? Why do that? The insurance companies fucked everyone over, in...

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8

James Offenhartz

I’m useless? Don’t say that. There’s got to be something I’m useful for. As the expression goes, “Even a broken clock is right twice a day”. That’s outdated too? How do people tell time, then? Digital, on their phones and watches? Bet they still have analog watch faces. Iwatch. Yeah, I guess this is Iwatch or my watch as they’d say in my time. I is for apple? “What you talking about, Wil...

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Dement

James Offenhartz

Wait, who are you again. No, you’re not my daughter. Have you seen her though? You must be a friend of my daughter’s. I’m not signing no legal papers giving you nothing. No way. I ain’t stupid. What’s your name? It is? That’s also my daughter’s name. That’s weird. Maybe I’m asking for the wrong person. She got a job at a la...

2 likes

The Gift?

James Offenhartz

I have men’s intuition. Nobody’s heard of men’s intuition or maybe they have? Think of it like “Gibb’s gut” from NCIS on CBS. Something feels off. I’m a medium/psychic so I would know. It’s Christmas and it feels off. Kind of like gaydar, but not gaydar. It’s Christmas, I’m sober. Everything should be good. I’m home, got an alarm system, lights are on, but I have an inclination and every time I ignore my intu...

2 likes

Point Change

James Offenhartz

I keep seeing it, monotonously, but not monotonously. I can and can’t explain. Both, neither, like yes and no and maybe at the same time. Shrinks thinks it’s different things. One says Alzheimer’s/Dementia, another says PTSD, the third says insomnia, and I got Rxes from all of them and now I’m more confused. Just don’t send me back to the Looney Bin. There were only two things good about that place: 1). They...

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Wish

James Offenhartz

"Be careful what you wish for, or should I say pray for, you just might get it." That's what they tell idiots, which 99 % of people are. They pray for money, it causes inflation, they pray to lose 50 lbs (lbs is short for pounds, since in astrology, libra holds scales), then, two months after plastic surgery, they eat what they ate before, and the wish was superfluous. Pray for power, but power shifts. Pray for food for everyone who's hungry and the ecology of the world gets fucked up and the world is overpopulated. Luckily, I'm smarter than...

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Cat/Dog

James Offenhartz

Daddy keeps asking church engines weird things about me. I see weird TVs and these TVs talk back to this owner and I don’t know what he’s talking about. I’ve had different masters. Three different masters. Now, you might think that’s because I’m a bad dog, but it’s not. I’m a good dog, shit just happens and I just have to roll in it. Like one time, one of my owners had a fenced backyard. Or “Invisible Fence...

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Yellow cabs

James Offenhartz

Because I don’t know. I don’t work here. I can’t help. I keep telling you this. I’m not a car mechanic. What you need is a car mechanic. No, no. I don’t want a car mechanic. All I need is for you to come here, which is by the McDonald’s on Husky and Main and help me jump start my car. It’ll just take you a minute. Look. I got other shit to do other than jump start your car every day.&n...

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Psycho

James Offenhartz

What state am I in? I’m in a state of confusion or state of emergency. Can’t remember which. If I came home and I saw the door was broken into. What would I do? I don’t have no home so I ain’t got to worry none about that. Gotta worry about rain, sleet, hail, where to piss and shit so I ain’t arrested for indecent exposure again. Gotta go out in a woods or rainforest or something. Dig into dumpsters for left over shit t...

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9

James Offenhartz

January 5, 1996 Dear Auset, If only words could heal, I’d say I’m sorry in an instant. I know I was in the wrong and I admit it, but I didn’t know that back then. Back then, I was drinking, I was an . . . No, let me rephrase that, I am an alcoholic. I’m working the twelve steps of Alcoholism and I’m up to step nine, which is: “Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or o...

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Pots and Pans

James Offenhartz

I was kidnapped by that son-of-a-bitch. Not that I knew his mother mind you, but this moron, Peter, captured me, in a glass bottle. Where he got that bottle from or why he had it in the poppy garden I’ll never know. Probably planned it, that son-of-a-bitch. Then, he cast some spell which he got from some pot head: “Harry Pothead, Pot her,” something like that. Why give Peter spells, potions, or bottles or anything for that matter? Why couldn’t Pot...

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