James Offenhartz

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Aug, 2023

Stories (31)

31 Stories

11 karma pts

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“Free?” by James Offenhartz

I feel like fucking Cinderella in her step-mother’s home.  Who gives a shit about cleaning.   This stupid company and motherfucking Uncle Sam do because “we want to keep the residents safe and dirty isn’t safe”.   Bastards.   They can come and make a surprise visit anytime they want and do a mandatory inspection for our safety.   It’s bullshit.   If I had my own home, nobody would bother me.   Assholes.   They need a clear pathw...

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“The China Man Can ” by James Offenhartz

Nope.  I don’t believe it.   Everything was fine before I saw that China man, then he screwed up everything.   No, I didn’t.  That’s all bullshit.   I never had a heart attack.   If I’d had a heart attack, my left arm would have hurt.   I would’a had angina.   None of that happened.  I was fine before the China man put me under and did God only knows what when I was on anesthesia.      No, I do...

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“1 2 3 4” by James Offenhartz

Because this is the only way you’ll learn.   No, no buts. . . You’ve tried videos from the library, we’ve tried private lessons, we’ve tried everything else, but looks like I’ll have to teach you step by step, forget the pun.       Crap.  See, I’ve never been no good at dancing.  I been told I got two left feet, told to stop stepping on the lady’s toes, I been told I ain’t got no sense of rhythm, I fall down on the floor (not break dancing), and dancing be something I ain’...

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“Unsex story” by James Offenhartz

We get there.   It’s nothing special, but we didn’t want special, we wanted something we could both afford.   This motel room costs $120 a night, but it’s away from Atlanta and it’s away from where each of us live.   I look around, her suitcase is on the suitcase rack and mine’s on the floor.   I hear the toilet flush and hear her zipping her zipper and pulling up her pants.   She comes out with a 3x X-files T-shirt and xl shorts.   She’s Caucasian, not...

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“Refills?” by James Offenhartz

    I’m from the tv show, “Cheaters.”   My name is Bob with two O’s.   You’ve never seen me on the show and I suppose technically I’m not a cast member, but I work all the time for “cheaters” and they pay me well.  But I’m still not on the credits.   See, I’m a P I, private investigator, and “Cheaters” hires me all the fucking time to find out who’s fucking whom and to send this tv show proof.   But, this couple is weird.  Well, I’ve never met...

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“Alcohol ” by James Offenhartz

I’m a bookworm, a bookaholic, I have a paper nose.   I use my pick up lines at the library, not bars.   I decided to start with the A authors in the fiction section.   Fiction is alphabetized by authors’ last names.   So, I start with Douglas Adams ‘ Hitchhiker’s trilogy, which is five books.  My sixth grade teacher always told me to read the book before watching the movie(s).   Then, as I’m sure you know, it gave “the meaning of life, the universe, and ever...

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“IRS” by James Offenhartz

“So, there are no more deductibles.  The dividends aren’t big enough and we’re totally fucked.   Damn it.  Yes, I understand falsifying records would be a felony, but . . . I understand that.  Well, is it possible to set up a structured settlement with the I R S?   A lawyer?   No, I don’t want an attorney.  You’re a C P A, why can’t you fix it?   Yes, I know there are back taxes, but I thought your results were guaranteed?   Gua...

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“Oedipus” by James Offenhartz

Fuck.  Goddamn it.  Motherfucker.   Fuck.   I need this job and I’ve done this in other states and they give a shit about promptness.  Move morons.   I honk my horn again.  I got in the middle motherfucking lane.   Stupid.  Son-of-a-bitch.   If I’d kept in the right or left lane I could speed on the shoulders of the fucking road and sneak back in.   I need this stupid job to pay rent, put food on the god...

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“A tale of Two Cities. ” by James Offenhartz

        Heaven and Hell.  That should be the name of these two cities:   Heaven in and Hell.   See in the one I’m allowed to earn money, in the other I lose benefits if I make a dime.   In one, I can get married and have kids, in the other, I lose food if I do this.   Forget about the U D H R, benefits take that away, but in the city outside this country, I don’t have to worry about these benefits, I can live the American dream, but ...

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“Diary” by James Offenhartz

Dear Diary, I’m scared about tomorrow.  I know it’ll be controlled, but I’m still scared.  Sue me.  I had to sign disclaimers saying I wouldn’t sue them and I did and I’m going to go through with it in the interest of anthropology, science, religion, hell, in the interest of everything and everyone, but I’m still scared.  I have to go through with it in the interest of science. What’s the worst that could happen?   I’ll die?   No, that’s not.  I already know that...

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“Work” by James Offenhartz

Work first, play later.   That’s my life motto.   Work.   My main job as a husband and a father is to bring in the dough.   Pay the bills.   I’m a lawyer and my clients can call me twenty-four seven.   Forget what kind of attorney I am, my clients come first.   If I’m with my kid and we’re at Chuck E Cheese’s and everyone’s having fun, we’re all singing happy birthday and the fucking phone rings I politely excuse myself and help my client...

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“Moll Toe Cock Tail” by James Offenhartz

The gods have two eyes and they’re always open.  Always, except every two hundred years or so.  See, then, for about five minutes the male god and the female god have sex and they cover each other’s light and they don’t know what we humans be doing.  See, that’s how all us humans be created;  the boy sun and girl moon mated and this planet, animals, bugs, everything be born.  But, the gods still be horny and still fuck each other and then, when the gods ain’t watching, we be free to do whatever we want.  There b...

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“Master Plan ” by James Offenhartz

This is once in a lifetime.   Everyone has their cameras or phone cameras.  Some scared, went in underground shelters.   Wimps.  Some went to church.   But, along with the armed forces, we were here to witness history or herstory, depending on what happens.  So many predictions.  Bombings, viruses, anything.  Anything can happen.  But, they come and the armed forces are here.  And nothing happens.   Their ship sit...

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“PB” by James Offenhartz

    So, Mommy and Daddy are out for the night.   They went to have romantic dinner and were stuck here with a babysitter again.  We don’t even need no babysitter.   I’m 12 and my sister’s 15.   Why we need a babysitter.   Something about laws, neglect, or some bullshit.   But the babysitter doesn’t do much.  She cooks some for us, which is ok and has a stupid sheet to call if there’s an emergency.   There’s no eme...

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“erotica?” by James Offenhartz

It was a sad day. That's an understatement. Imagine losing two families at one time so you could live with your biological family who didn't want you. It was that kind of day. No food in the refridgerator, maxed out credit cards, unable to pay rent, this is bottom. May you never be here. So, I e-mailed the person in charge of my first family where I'd met my girlfriend. She's sweet and a great cook. She makes delicious things like seven-layer salad and things in a crock pot. After I e-mailed ...

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